Suburban Man: Episode 10

By Rick Kaempfer




When I was the executive producer of the John Records Landecker show on WJMK in the 90s, I created a superhero named "Suburban Man." Unlike the hapless Suburban Man often featured in this column, superhero Suburban Man could save anyone from any suburban crisis.

This feature ran on the show every Thursday morning for nearly six months. It starred John as Suburban Man and Leslie Keiling as his wife Marge.

I'm going to present my favorite episodes once a month between now and the end of the year. If you live in the suburbs, you just may recognize the main character of the show...




SUBURBAN MAN, EPISODE 10: “Kryptonite”

Anncr:
Faster than a lawyer behind an ambulance...More powerful than (the late) Donald Stevens in Rosemont...Able to leap from lawn care to charcoal grills in a single bound...

Voice #1:
Look—there—out on the drive,

Voice #2:
It’s a van,

Voice #3:
It’s a mini-van,

Anncr:
IT’S SUBURBAN MAN.
Disguised as Herb Jenkins, Village clerk, even his wife Marge doesn’t suspect his true identity. When a neighborhood crisis erupts, Herb goes to the nearest garage, dons his superhero safety goggles and ‘World’s Greatest Chef’ apron and becomes SUBURBAN MAN!

Marge (on the phone):Do what you have to do, Thelma. Grubs can destroy a lawn. Bye now, dear.

(Sfx: hangs up)

Herb:
Does Thelma have grubs?

Marge:
Don’t worry, Herb. She hired a lawn service.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Herb:
But that will cost a fortune. They have bags and bags of Grub X at Home Depot.

Marge:
Oh Dear.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Marge:
There’s only one man who can save her some money now. Herb? Herb? (Door opens, closes, etc. sfx) Why, you’re not Herb, you’re Suburban Man!

Suburban Man:
That’s right, Marge. If you’ll kindly toss me the keys to your mini-van, I’m going to Home Depot.

Anncr:
As Suburban Man races off to Home Depot, Marge suddenly realizes the implications. Donning her own superhero disguise, ‘Soccer Mom’ rushes off to save the hero of the Suburbs.

(Sfx: Electronic Door opening)

Suburban Man:
Aaah, Home Depot, my favorite store. (walking sfx) The Grub X should be right over here. Hmm. Maybe I’ll just check out the ceiling fans first. (walking sfx) Whoa. Three speed settings. (Sfx: Pulling cord to ceiling fan) Hey! Look at those drill bits. Maybe I’ll just…

Home Depot Guy:
Hi, Suburban Man. You’re not here by yourself, are you?

Suburban Man:
It’s OK, Mr. Orange Apron. I don’t have a problem anymore. I just came in for….Hey! That’s nice lookin’ lumber. Maybe I’ll just make me another deck.

Home Depot Guy:
Uh oh. (over intercom) We got a code red.

(ALARM SFX)

Suburban Man:
Whoa. Kitchen fixtures. And Paint. Paint! (Going into a trance) The garage could use another coat. MIDRE SAWS! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Saws. Circular Saws!

Home Depot Guy (over intercom):
Quick! Somebody call Soccer Mom before it’s too late.

(Dramatic and uplifting music)

Soccer Mom:
Don’t worry, Mr. Orange Apron. I’m already here.

Suburban Man:
TORO! 6 ½ horses. Mulching. Bagging. Side dispensing. Whoooa.

Soccer Mom:
Suburban Man. Look at me. (very slowly) Home…Depot… is….your… kryptonite. It’s very dangerous for you to be here.

Home Depot Guy:
It’s too late, he doesn’t even hear you anymore.

Soccer Mom:
I’ve never seen him this bad.

Suburban Man:
Let me just check out these generator….

(SFX: VERY LOUD SLAP) (Silence for a beat)

Suburban Man:
Where am I?

Anncr:
Just in the nick of time, Soccer Mom saved our Suburban Hero from a lifetime of in-store wandering.

Soccer Mom:
Why don’t you people put up warning signs? Even Superheros are only so strong……Oooh. Floral borders.

Anncr:
Tune in again next week, same time, same station for another exciting episode of….SUBURBAN MAN!

If you missed any previous Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com