They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
First things first: neither of us is planning on going to jail.
Have you heard the phrase “he’s not built for prison?” That phrase applies to us. We have no desire to join the other fellas in the old cell block dancing to the Jailhouse Rock. It’s one of the great motivating factors keeping us from breaking the law.
On the other hand, we must admit we’ve thought about what life would be like behind bars. We’ve seen enough prison movies and television shows, and read enough stories about what can and often does happen in jail. Plus, with politicians getting indicted left and right this year, it's top of mind. And because we are sick and twisted, our brains have been unable to stop ourselves from considering the following circumstances.
1. The last second call from the governor
What if the phone rang just before the execution, but it wasn’t exactly what the prisoner was expecting?
(Sfx: Phone ringing)
Warden: Hello. Yes, he’s here. Just a moment. It’s for you, Mad Dog.
Caller: Is this Mad Dog?
Caller: Please hold for the Governor.
Prisoner: (excitedly) Are you serious?
Caller: (muffled laughter) Yeah. Hang on. (muffled laughter)
Prisoner: Hello? Hello? Hello?
Warden: Let’s go, Mad Dog. It’s time.
2. The conjugal visit
What if the prisoner has waited years for his one conjugal visit, but his wife hasn’t changed at all since she last saw him?
Prisoner: Hi honey.
Wife: Hi Mad dog.
Prisoner: You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this.
Wife: Listen, Mad dog, my head is throbbing. Can we do this another time?
Prisoner: What do you mean?
Wife: I’m just tired, and the kids have been a bear lately, and this just isn’t a good time for me.
Prisoner: I won’t get another chance for ten years!
Wife: I’ll come back then, I promise. Can we just cuddle?
3. Tired prison jokes
What if prisoners had to deal with the same sort of daily jokes (Working hard or hardly working?) as office workers?
Prisoner #1: Hey there Mad dog, got a few minutes?
Mad Dog: Very funny, Killer.
Prisoner #1: Sorry. Hey man, that’s an awesome outfit. Where did you get it?
Mad Dog: Very funny, Killer.
Prisoner #1: Sorry to bug ya, dude, but can you get me a rum and coke?
Mad Dog: Where would I get that?
Prisoner #1: Oh sorry. I just saw you tending bars, and I thought…
Mad Dog: Get out.
4. Prison Gang Fraternity Rush
What if they held a traditional fraternity rush to join prison gangs?
White Aryan: Have you ever thought about joining the Aryans?
Prisoner: I’m just kind of meeting all the guys right now, trying to get a feel for the different gangs.
White Aryan: Look, I don’t want to do the hard sell on you, because we only want guys who think for themselves, but I won’t lie--we probably have the best tattoo guy in here.
White Aryan: We also have the best volleyball team. And our guys can make knives out of dirt.
White Aryan: You better believe it. We're the best gang in the block.
Prisoner: Is there a membership fee?
White Aryan: One lousy pack of smokes. The crips are charging two packs and they suck at volleyball.
5. Jail House press conference
What if they set up an interview room for execution press conferences?
Reporter #1: Mad dog, can you tell us about your mindset?
Mad Dog: I’m going to give it 110% like I always do. Mad Dog has got to be true to Mad Dog. Yes, the lady in front.
Reporter #2: Mad dog? How do you think it’s going to go in there?
Mad Dog: I’m just going to take it one injection at a time. Yes, you in the back.
Reporter #3: Do you feel any remorse?
Mad Dog: Listen, you can’t dwell on past performance. Just put it behind you, and work on tomorrow.
Reporter #3: But there is no tomorrow.
Mad Dog: No further questions.
Yes, we realize that thinking about jail is weird...but it could always be worse.
Consider these seventeen different convictions, indictments, and/or guilty pleas chronicled here: Political Docket. We may be thinking about prison, but these guys (16 Republican lawmakers, appointees, or lobbyists and 1 Democrat) will be going there. This site doesn't even chronicle our fine local Illinois politicians...which will make the national bunch look like amateurs by the time Pat Fitzgerald gets through with them.
Think of us and listen for the sports cliches when they hold their jailhouse press conferences.
And remember to bring your clothes-pin to the polling booth this year. The smell is worse than usual.
If you missed any previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com