They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
Concerned reader “B” writes:
“Do you belong to a gym?
I have this one pet peeve that has really been bothering me lately.
I have spent my entire life trying to keep men from being behind me when I am naked. When I get out of the shower at the gym and am drying off, guys will often walk past me on their way to the shower. Most will walk in front of me, but some insist on walking behind me.
Being naked and sometimes bending over to dry various body parts, I find it disturbing to have a naked man behind me when I am at my most vulnerable. To combat this, I try standing closer to the wall so that they will walk in front of me. Sometimes even this doesn’t work.
Naked guy literally has to turn sideways to get through when there is 10 feet of open space in front of me. WTF!
Also, when I am naked, don’t talk to me. Some guy said something to me while I was in the shower at the gym. Of course I couldn’t hear him because I was in the shower. That means I have to go over to hear him say “I like your rings” and point to my earrings. I’m strongly considering going back to work without showering.
What do you guys recommend I do?”
Well, "B," we understand why you would bring this problem to our attention. You can probably tell by looking at us that we’re both gym rats who spend quite a bit of time working out. We certainly weren’t born with these guns and abs.
Let us address your concerns, point by point.
Unlike women, who enjoy lathering and soaping each other tenderly in the shower (we’ve seen the movies), men are not big fans of touching or looking at each other while nude. It begs the question—Why hasn’t anyone spelled out the etiquette rules to avoid this most uncomfortable situation?
There's no excuse for that oversight.
That's why today, we're officially posting the "Unofficial Community Shower Rules For Men." Men, follow these rules to the letter and no one will be hurt or blinded.
Rule #1: Never walk behind a nude man when you are also nude.
What if you slip and fall forward? That’s the sort of forceful bodily contact that will haunt you forever. If it’s impossible to pass by another nude man without allowing at least ten feet of space, stay where you are until he leaves.
Rule #2: Conversations among nude men are strictly forbidden.
Think of the potential problems. “B” points out the problem of not hearing well when the water is running, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Even if you can hear the other nude man, what are you doing with your eyes? If you maintain eye contact, you will creep him out. Nobody likes unflinching eye contact like that. You’ll probably make the other nude guy so uncomfortable, it will force him to avert his eyes, and then…what is he looking at? If you don’t maintain eye contact, it’s even worse. It's best to pretend like the other guy isn't even there.
Rule #3: Hurry up, dammit.
The only acceptable thing to do in the community shower is to get in, wash as quickly as possible without washing certain areas as thoroughly as you normally would in one of your longer showers at home, go back to your locker without coming within ten feet of another nude man, dry as quickly as possible, and then get your clothes on as quickly as possible.
Rule #4: Resume normal activities only when fully clothed.
When every man within ten to fifteen feet is also clothed, you may return to your normal social activities. At this point, a high five, and/or a fist-bump would be perfectly acceptable.
How is it possible that these rules have never been spelled out before?
Without rules and boundaries, group male nudity has been known to take weird and unexpected turns. How weird? Well, when Dave was still in high school (Lane Tech in Chicago), his gym teacher made the boys take nude group showers before group nude swimming, followed by more group nude showers….but he made them wear swimming caps.
Dave’s community shower career has also been touched by celebrity. When Dave attended the University of Illinois, he shared a dorm floor community shower with two well known Fighting Illini basketball players (both of whom eventually played in the NBA.). Isn’t it wrong that Dave knows details about these two gentlemen that most groupies won’t find out until they camp out in a hotel lobby and volunteer to bring up room service with a “special” dessert?
If society insists on maintaining community showers, we have a suggestion for improving the concept. Instead of having men shower with other men and women shower with other women, community showers should be strictly coed.
Settle down girls, we hear your concerns.
We know you gals would miss soaping and lathering each other, so that activity would still be permitted. We won’t mind. Honest. Not in the slightest.
On the other hand, you could also simply soap and lather men instead. Don’t forget, men will need extra attention after their previously rushed showers. A little expert soaping and lathering would be good for everyone. It’s win-win.
It’s the only way to keep America clean, safe, and comfortable.
Think about it America. The time has come.
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