Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Suburban Man: Your Kids Say The Darnest Things

By Rick Kaempfer

Four weeks ago I wrote a column about some of the ‘darndest things’ my kids have said to me over the years.

In response to that column, you sent me nearly a hundred examples from your own children. Some of these stories are really great, and thank you so much for sharing them with me. Today I want to share those stories with everyone else.

To encourage more participation in future editions, and to honor your request for anonymity, I’m not including anyone’s names (“Not even an initial!” as one person demanded). I think you’ll see why when you read them. I call this...


*”I heard my oldest son tell his little sister when he didn’t think I could hear him: ‘Never tell Mom that her diet isn’t working.”

*”My son told me that puppies still have bad breath even after they eat tic-tacs.’ He paused and then said ‘Even after they eat a lot of tic tacs.”

*”My eight year old son announced to the whole church one weekend that the Lord has twelve oppossums.”

*”My son was complaining that his brother hit him. I asked him where he got hit, and he pointed to his stomach and said ‘He got me right in the C-section.”

*”I was at a rehearsal for an improv show and I brought my infant daughter with me. In one scene one of my cast-mates gave a loud raspberry to another. My daughter looked up from the side of the stage, and loudly raspberried back....And scene.”

*”My daughter said to me: ‘Daddy, I know why they call them genitals...because you have to be gentle with them.”

*”My six year old daughter pointed to her chest and said ‘Daddy, when are these going to get bigger?”

*”My four year old daughter refers to the unfortunate arson of our church as ‘Someone fired it up’. When my mom died and was cremated, she said ‘Grandmom’s fired up and now she’s in a pretty box.”

*”My four year old son said this to me during a play date with a new friend: ‘I officially don’t feel comfortable around Anthony.”

*”When I was getting angry at my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter (8 yr. old) put her hand on my shoulder and said ‘Mom, I think you have anger management issues.”

*”We bought our oldest son an anatomy book to answer some questions when my wife got pregnant. One night at dinner he asked ‘Mom, how’s your vaginal canal?”

*”My daughter was explaining the ways of the world to her little sister. She said, ‘If Dad ever says ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer him.”

*”My daughter was showing off her knowledge of marine life to my father-in-law at the Aquarium. She pointed to the octypus and said, “Look, he’s got eight testicles.”

*”I teach third grade, and one day one of the boys raised his hand and asked ‘What do the Filipino tubes do?”

*”One day my daughter and son were playing house in the other room, but I could still hear them. My daughter said her to brother: “Never let Mom comb your hair when she’s mad at Dad.”

*”I took my daughter to the Daddy Daughter Dinner Dance, and when we got out of my 1995 Altima she said; ‘Dad, let’s pretend this is a really nice car.’”

*Calling home from Catholic School one day, my daughter said, “Mom, I know this is a bad word and I shouldn’t say it, but I really feel like sh*t!”

*"I was hugging my three year old daughter like I do all the time, and she held up her hand said; 'Back off, Dad. I need space."

Those are all good ones, and thanks so much for sending them in. Keep sending ‘em. I plan on bringing this back as a semi-regular feature. Just click on the word “comments” below, or e-mail them to me at your leisure. I read every e-mail.

If you missed any previous Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com