Saturday, February 11, 2006

Guest Blogger: John Moran

John Moran is a divorced father of three who lives in Tucson, AZ and shares custody of his three boys. The coffee mug above is his actual coffee mug. He got divorced a few years ago, and the only thing he got in the divorce settlement was the mini-van. Needless to say, this purple mini-van isn't exactly a chick magnet.

I asked him to guest blog about his experiences as a divorced father re-entering the dating world, because I thought some of you would be able to relate to his experiences, and because I was confident the smarty-pants would be able to do it in a way that was entertaining to all of us. Happy Valentine's weekend!

Divorced and Dating in 2006....with 3 kids

By John Moran

I laughed when I read Rick’s latest blog; "The 70s are Back!" Looking around/distracted at church has been a habit of mine since about 8th grade. In high school I occasionally attended Mass with my friend, Bob Brady. We weren’t there for the religious uplifting. We were there to check out the crowd for high school girls.

Years have passed, yet I still find myself looking around at church. Okay--stop right there. I’m looking around for women who are noticeably without a male companion. I’m a divorced Dad of three boys so most venues are opportunities for looking around.

Don’t get the wrong idea. It’s not like I try to pick up women at church. I don’t follow them to the parking lot and say, "Hey, I noticed that you took the wine at Communion, would you like to meet for a glass of wine some time?" Although, now that I think about it, that’s not bad –I may use that some time.

Shortly after my divorce I figured I needed to get rid of one thing that was sure to be an obstacle in my dating. I needed to ditch the light Iris (okay, purple) minivan that I got as part of the divorce agreement. As Rick has pointed out in previous Suburban Man articles there are very few cool things about a man driving a minivan. I can’t imagine a woman being overly impressed with the light Iris minivan even if it did have eight cupholders.

Finding people to date hasn't been as big of a problem as I feared. Most of my friends are married with children, but almost every one of them has a friend that is divorced. This has been a very useful source. Actually, if you must know, divorced dating is very much like dating in high school. You make dates through your friends.

Conversations (mostly with wives of married friends) go something like this:

Lisa : "I have this friend. She’s divorced too. I can see if she is seeing anyone."

Me: "Sure, see if she’s interested."

Lisa: "I’ll call her tomorrow, then call you."

Me: "Sure."

Lisa, laughing: "She has three kids too. You’d be like the Brady Bunch."

(That was the first of many times that I would hear the Brady Bunch reference. It was funny the first time, but just plain annoying every other time after that. By the way, what ever happened to the first Mrs Brady?)

The next day Lisa called to say she felt like she was in high school, playing the go-between: Do you like him like him or just like him. The only difference was that she didn't have to pass a note in class. (Brings back memories, doesn't it?)

This time Lisa had good news. She told me that yes, her friend knows me -–because my son Jack played soccer on her son's team--and yes she'll go out with me.

Instead of being excited at first, I was concerned that I didn't remember this woman. If I didn't notice her at the soccer games, then how much did I really want to go out with her? That's when I remembered one important fact. My radar was down when Jack played soccer. I was still married then.

Bring it on.

Inevitably, I mostly end up dating women that are divorced and have children. I feel safer with a woman that can recite the next line to.. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

My sons, to their credit, take my dating in stride. I try to seperate my family life from my dating life as much as I can, but there is the occasional overlap.

Last weekend, Jack, Luke and I ran into my current girlfriend, Jennifer, at the local coffee shop. The boys have had some interaction with Jennifer, who happens to have a son at the boy’s school. We sat and chatted over chocolate milk, orange juice and a baguette. As I got up to leave I leaned in and kissed Jennifer. It was a quick little peck, barely noticeable in the crowded coffee shop...except to Jack .

As soon as we got outside, Jack laid into me, "Dad, why did you kiss Jennifer?"
"That’s nasty."

John's boys, overlooking the Grand Canyon. John can’t wait for Little League baseball season to start so he can work the snack bar.

This is John hitting his 18th hole approach shot at Oakmont Country Club last year. He's playing a game called "Golf" that in his part of the country can be played in months other than June, July and August.

Friday, February 10, 2006

This Week News & View (Feb 5-10)

This Week News & Views
by Rick Kaempfer

Lots of political news this week...

*Danish Cartoons spark outrage
COPENHAGEN-- Cartoons published in a Danish newspaper (depicting the Muslim prophet), have sparked outrage and rioting throughout the Islamic world. Danish flags are being burned in the streets of every Islamic country.
=My question is this: Where did they get Danish flags? Were those already big-ticket items in Tehran?
=As a symbolic gesture to my Islamic brothers, I had a croissant for breakfast today instead of my usual Danish.
=Marmaduke has hired bodyguards. Not only is he a cartoon; he's a Great Dane.
=Would this be a bad time to mention that Fox-32 Reporter Dane Placko is going to be my guest blogger in a few weeks?

*Coretta Scott King's memorial gets political
ATLANTA--Four Presidents gathered to pay tribute to the late wife of the slain civil rights leader at a memorial service this week. President Bush was attacked by several of the speakers--while he was sitting right behind them. President Clinton greatly upstaged his wife Hillary by delivering a rousing address before her bland one. The first President Bush lost a page of his speech and had to improvise, and President Carter reminded everyone that Coretta's husband was the target of government wiretapping in the 60s.
=I'm not sure about this, but I think someone might have mentioned Coretta Scott King at some point, too.
=You have to give President Bush credit for showing up in front of what he knew would be a very hostile crowd. He might see a spike in his approval ratings among African-Americans. It could go all the way up to 2.5%.

*White Sox to visit White House
WASHINGTON--The World Series champion Chicago White Sox are due to visit President Bush at the White House on Monday.
=Finally, a friendly crowd for the President. A couple of Venezualans, a couple of geez. "Laura, get me a Tylenol."

*John McCain vs. Barack Obama
WASHINGTON--Two prominent Senators, both of whom have been mentioned as future Presidential candidates, got into a tiff this week. Senator John McCain was upset by what he considered insincere comments about ethics reform in a letter he received from Senator Barack Obama. He sent him a scathing letter in return--and released the contents of the letter to the press.
=Although, I must say, I like Obama's response to the response. He said, "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
=McCain replied; "Nuh uh."

*George Ryan still on trial
CHICAGO--Former Illinois Governor George Ryan's trial continued this week in Chicago. Among the revelations: he encouraged his employees to give him cash gifts for Christmas. He received between $1500-$4000 a year this way.
=I had a boss who docked my pay for attending my own father's funeral, but in fairness to him, I never knew about this "give cash to your boss" tradition. No wonder he was such a jerk--I expected him to pay me.

*Former Atlanta Mayor also on Trial
ATLANTA--(AP) Former Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell is on trial for allegedly accepting $160,000 in illegal campaign contributions. According to his former mistress, current WMAQ-Channel 5 (Chicago) anchorwoman Marion Brooks, Campbell always carried around plenty of cash while the two enjoyed a romantic relationship. During their four year affair (he was married), they went on more than twenty trips together to places like Jamaica, Paris, San Francisco and Mexico. He always paid for everything with cash.
=That's just not smart traveling. What would he have done if he was robbed? Karl Malden is spinning in his grave right now.
=Thank God he didn't travel to Italy before the Euro was introduced. Can you imagine how many Lira he would have had to carry?
=Brooks also testified that he bought her a $2400 dress in Paris. That's just not smart shopping. We bought a piano for less than that--and that price included delivery and a free tuning. (Although I will admit--the piano doesn't have sequins)

*New Majority Leader rents D.C. apartment from lobbyist
WASHINGTON--House Majority Leader John Boehner (pronounced Bay-ner, get your head out of the gutter) rents a basement apartment for $1600 a month from a lobbyist whose clients had an interest in legislation overseen or sponsored by Boehner, according to lobbying records.
=I'm as against lobbyist abuse as anyone, but $1600 a month for a basment apartment? That's not exactly a sweetheart deal. You can't even get a decent dress in Paris for $1600.

*Gonzales testifies before Congress
WASHINGTON--Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was grilled by members of the Senate Judiciary Committee this week about the domestic spying program approved by President Bush. Many of the Senators were openly skeptical of the legal justification, including at least three Republican Senators, but Gonzales was steadfast in his belief that the program is completely legal. According to Gonzales, the President's constitutional duty to protect the country in a time of war supercedes any other portion of the constitution (in this case, the 4th Amendment).
=Each party is being reasonable about this. Republicans say that Democrats don't care about the security of this country and want to help out the terrorists. Democrats say that Republicans want to crown a king and take away all of your rights as Americans. Can you tell this is an election year?

=I've only heard of one person publicly changing his mind about this domestic spying issue: Rush Limbaugh. At first he was strongly opposed to domestic spying, but when he found out that they weren't referring to spying on his domestics, he came around to the party line.

(Photo Source:

*Almanac: Aaron Burr birthday (Feb 6, 1756)
+This week marked the 250th anniversary of Aaron Burr's birth. Burr was the Vice President of the United States (to President Thomas Jefferson) when he challenged his political enemy Alexander Hamilton to a duel and mortally wounded him on July 11, 1804.
=This is for those of you who say the vitriol in Washington has never been worse.
=This is also for those of you who say Dick Cheney is the most aggressive VP we’ve ever had. He only told Senator Leahy to go *#&* himself. He didn’t kill him.
=Quintin Tarantino is thinking of making a movie about Burr’s life. He’s going to call it “Kill the $10 Bill.”

*Almanac: ”Good Times” debuts on TV (Feb 8, 1974)
+"Good Times," the show starring Jimmy J.J. Walker, John Amos, and Esther Rolle debuted this week 32 years ago. "Good Times" was set in Chicago’s Cabrini Green public housing project.
=Cabrini Green is gone now, and so is Jimmy Walker’s career.
=Pop star Janet Jackson played the character of Penny on “Good Times.” This was long before her singing career…heck it was five of her brother’s faces ago.
=On a serious note, I saw Jimmy Walker at a Cubs game last year (on 70s night—he threw out the first pitch. I took the picture below). I felt sorry for the guy because nearly every person in the stadium said “Dyno-Mite!” to him when he walked by. Imagine how old that is thirty two years later.

Reader Response

Regarding Bob Dearborn's guest blog "The Day the Music Died"

"Enjoyed Bob’s look back at Buddy Holly and the music of that era. Without a doubt, Bob was one of the most talented guys I ever worked with. He defined smooth, entertaining and class. It’s also not surprising to discover that he can write."
---Clark Weber

Rick's note
: Clark Weber is one of the all-time radio greats. He was one of the most popular disc jockeys in Chicago during the 1960s (WLS), and among his claims to fame, introducing the Beatles on stage at Comiskey Park. (He still works as an announcer in Chicago).

Regarding last week's From the Archives: Creative Kids Speech

"Nice piece on creative kids. One day we should compare notes on a regimented, organized German finding (and requiring) his creative side."

Rick Responds:: That sounds like a sitcom. What do you think of the title, "The importance of being Ernst?" It's just a thought.

Regarding This Week's Suburban Man: The 70s are Back!

"Thank you so much for including a picture of Chris Makepeace in your column. I've loved him ever since 'Meatballs'. Check out this website for more of Chris...

"Thanks for brightening a crappy week. Some 70s thoughts:
*At least the kids favorites are some of the good ones. "Billy Don't Be a Hero" and "Seasons in the Sun" remind me of being in the hospital for three weeks with pneumonia in first grade. Talk about adding insult to injury (or illness)!
*My daughter is obsessed with "Grease," and thinks Travolta is "cute," despite the fact he's almost her grandpa's age. She also has a thing for Davy Jones and David Cassidy, the apples don't fall far from the tree!
*Rick, what's the deal with the hair? You either complain about having too much or having too little. You guys are never happy!"

Rick responds: I can kvetch about anything. That's my gift.

Regarding the QT column (in the Sun-Times) mention of Rick's Blog

"I am soooo enjoying the blog, and it turns out I'm not the only one. It was fun seeing you quoted in Zay Smith's column this weekend - with an accompanying photo no less. Good for you!"

Regarding "The Bald Minute"

"Just read the Bald Minute from this week, and noted the 'glasses on the top of the head' trick. My dad used to try that gambit. It was especially funny when he had one pair of glasses on his nose and another on his head. Anyway, you need to publish a warning: do not use this trick outside on a sunny day. The lenses can focus the sun causing two ultra-sun burned patches, and possibly blinding anyone gazing at the head in question. On the plus side, any spiders that wander into the focus are instantly incinerated."

"I read somwhere that bald men have higher testostorone counts.Usually I've told men that are losing hair that they shouldn't feel bad as they're manlier."

Rick responds: We'll address this subject in next week's special Valentine's edition of the Bald Minute.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, I'm looking for your jokes about love for this Monday's Jokes for a Monday morning. Click on the comments link below and that will send it directly to my e-mail, or click on the e-mail link on the right. Thanks in advance. You haven't let me down yet.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

From the Archives: Breaking Knees

Tomorrow is the opening ceremonies for the Winter Olympics, and every time they come back around, I think of that unbelievably strange Winter Olympics of 1994. You remember it, don't you?

That was the year the Olympics turned into a bad episode of Cops. The cast of characters: Nancy Kerrigan (the beautiful ice princess), Tonya Harding (her jealous rival), Jeff Gillooly (her stupid ex-husband), and Shawn Eckardt (the guy they hired to break Nancy's leg).

This was one of the biggest stories of 1994. Despite the controversy, Tonya was allowed to participate in the Olympics. Unfortunately for her, she had problems with her laces and didn't finish in the top five. Nancy Kerrigan didn't win the gold either--Oksana Baiul did. Nancy won the silver, and because she wasn't gracious on the medal stand, America turned on her too.

That's what the Olympic spirit is all about.

U-S-A. U-S-A.

As you might imagine, we had a lot of fun with this story on the John Landecker Show. We actually did two songs about it, one of which is copied below. I distinctly remember writing the lyrics to this song on my way to Virginia (for my Goddaughter Sarah's christening).

This song is available on "Landecker & the Legends, Volume 1" (the first of our six CDs). It's to the tune of "Breaking up is hard to do" by Neil Sedaka.

“Breaking Knees is hard to do”

Knock her, Knock her, Down Doobie Do Down Down,
Knock her, Knock her, Down Doobie Do Down Down,
Knock her, Knock her, Down Doobie Do Down Down,
Breaking Knees is hard to do,

“Don’t take my Gold, away from me”
So her man said “Let’s break Nancy’s Knee”,
They hired someone her ex-husband knew,
Cause breakin knees is hard to do,

We won’t get caught, her ex-husband said,
She forgot he was a knucklehead,
Before she knew it, she was through,
Cause breakin knees is wrong to do,

They say that breakin knees is, wrong to do,
Though it depends on, your point of view,
Nancy’s, chances must end,
Get a few thousand and hire your knucklehead ex-husband’s friend,

They say Tonya, isn’t typical,
Of other figure skating queens we know,
Smoking cigarettes, getting tattoos,
And breaking knees a time or two

They say that breaking knees is, wrong to do,
But Tonya wants, a medal too,
Nancy's, already won bronze,
That’s why the ugly duckling wants to break the knees of all the swans

This song was a major part of early Landecker & The Legends shows. We actually brought along a paper-mache pinata leg (wearing an ice-skate), and allowed the fans to take turns whacking it. Inside the leg? Gold-medal shaped chocolates.

The Legends still tour, especially during the summer. If you want to see if there is a show coming in your area, click here: THE LEGENDS

Celebrity Corner:
Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis passed away this week at the age of 82. I met him once in 1989 when he was a guest on the Steve & Garry Show. (He was on to promote the opening night of Excalibur nightclub where he was making a personal appearance later that night). He sat quietly in the producer's booth with me for a good twenty minutes before the interview, and we chatted amiably about basketball (he was a huge fan). When he got on the air with Steve & Garry, he turned on the act. He was waaaaaaaaaaay out there--verbally attacking them with inexplicable fury. When the microphones turned off, he was totally normal again. In all my years I never saw anyone turn it on and off that effortlessly. I talked to him on the phone a half-dozen times over the years since then, and he was always a very charming and engaging conversationalist. Although I must admit, I was surprised when I read his age in his obituary. I thought he was 80 years old when I met him seventeen years ago.

If you missed any of the previous From the Archives, click here:

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Bald Minute: Isolation

In her book “On Death & Dying,” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grieving; Denial & Isolation, Anger & Rage, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The bald or balding man goes through the same stages while grieving for his hair loss, but no-one recognizes or acknowledges that pain. Until now.

In our upcoming book, “The Bald Handbook,” co-author Dave Stern (bald) and I (bald spot) leave no bald stone unturned as we look at each stage closely to help the balding male cope with his painful reality. Until the book comes out, this blog will present nuggets and pearls of wisdom from the book in short weekly segments, we call…”The Bald Minute.” (This feature is available for radio syndication…click on the e-mail link to inquire).

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

R: Welcome to another episode of the Bald Minute. Today’s Bald Minute subject?

D: Isolation.

R: Isolation is the evil stepbrother of Stage 1 Denial. It occurs when the balding man notices what’s happening (or not happening) on his head, and reaches the only logical conclusion:

D: “Time to go off to a remote location and never talk to humans again.”

R: Unfortunately, all bald men discover this approach doesn't work. There is nowhere to hide.

D: Christopher Columbus was so committed to getting away from fullhead mocking, he "volunteered" see if the earth was round. Sorry, Chris. It is.

R: Almost all of the Great Explorers had a motivation to go where lesser men didn't dare go; Magellan, Vespucci, Pizarro, and Cortez were all bald or balding.

D: So was Ponce de Leon. Why do you think he went looking for the Fountain of Youth? Poor guy--he found Florida. That’s almost a cruel irony.

R: The last two guys who thought they could escape the mocking somewhere on Earth were Commander Peary and Roald Amundsen.

D: Peary went all the way to the North Pole. Amundsen went all the way to the South Pole. No dice. The press was there to chronicle this "achievement."

R: After the Poles were discovered, and there was officially nowhere on earth to hide, Isolation was taken to new extremes.

D: Look at some of our greatest astronauts.
John Glenn, bald.
Buzz Aldren, balding.
Neil Armstrong, balding.
Jean Luc Picard, bald.

R: James T. Kirk. C'mon Jim. Nobody's buying the piece.

D: The lesson of Stage One Grieving is obvious.

R: Even if you undertake a mission to boldly go where no man has gone before...

D: It's no solution. You’ll still have a bald head.

R: For more information about bald Isolation...

D: Including the saddest story of all, Santa Claus...

R: Check out our upcoming book, “The Bald Handbook.” Reporting for the Bald Minute, I’m Rick Kaempfer.

D: And I’m Dave Stern.

Bald Bonus:
Alert reader "C" has an excellent fashion tip for bald or balding men. He writes:
"Bud Greenspan, as you may know, is known for his historical film documentaries of the U.S. in the Olympic Games. Have you thought of having a section in the Bald Book of the "Bud Greenspan" style of wearing your eyeglasses on your forehead to complement a bald pate? The glasses on the forehead provide a focal point for observers gazing upon the barren wasteland of the common non-hirsute cranium and thus distracts the observer from that which is clearly apparent before him (or her)."

Dave responds: That's brilliant. Every bald man has to deal with that awkward glancing at his forehead. If he could just say to himself, "She's just looking at my glasses," it might help.

If you missed any of the previous "Bald Minute" episodes, click here:

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Suburban Man: The 70s are Back!

“The 70s are Back!”

By Rick Kaempfer

The first time it really hit me was at church. I know, I should have been paying attention to the homily, but I had this overwhelming sense of déjà vu. Why was it that every time I went to church I had flashbacks to high school? During what I’m sure was a very inspirational message about another fundraiser to support, I realized what was causing the flashbacks.

Haircuts. Or rather, maybe I should say lack of haircuts.

Church is really the only place I see high school kids, and there were a half-dozen teenage boys in my line of vision who all had the same haircuts I had in high school. This is really saying something. After all, that bushy, shaggy, ‘I can’t see you because I have hair in my eyes’ look has been very dead for a very long time. And for good reason, I might add.

I wanted to pull those kids aside and warn them of their future embarrassment. “Kids, look,” I wanted to say, “this may be in style right now, but trust me, one day it will humiliate you.” I know what I’m talking about here. I’ve walked in their shoes. In 1978 or so, my hair accounted for something like 50% of my body weight. Want to see a picture? No way. It’s not going to happen; not even for comedy purposes. My high school graduation and prom pictures are so embarrassing that I’ve locked them away forever. If you want to laugh at me, you’ll have to content yourselves with my mullet pictures from the 90s.

On the other hand, this return to the 70s has alleviated my guilt in another area. I no longer feel bad about the twisted knowledge of pop culture I’ve inadvertently been teaching my children. When I left the Oldies radio station, I took all of my CDs back home with me. This had an unintended consequence: my oldest son discovered them.

He particularly loves my seven-CD boxed set of “The Greatest Hits of the 70s.” These CDs don’t have the cool songs from the 70s that have become classic rock favorites. Instead, they feature the pop hits that were played into the ground by Top 40 radio: embarrassing hit songs that are even inexplicable to people who lived through the 1970s. (Think “Seasons in the Sun”, “Billy Don’t Be a Hero”, “The Night Chicago Died”, etc.)

How has this twisted my son? Let me give you four examples of actual conversations that should never be taking place in the 21st century with a ten year old boy. For those of you too young to remember these songs, I’ll explain them at the end of this post.

1. Just before Christmas I loaded all three boys in the train to visit their mom’s office downtown. Just past the Jefferson Park stop, Tommy pointed out the window at the stop and go traffic on the Kennedy. There must have been fifteen trucks back-to-back-to-back. Tommy said; “Dad, it looks like we got us a convoy.”*

2. About two weeks ago I took the two older boys with me to the grocery store. We were waiting in line at the deli counter, when Tommy noticed the Muzak being piped into the store. He said; “Dad, it’s Mike Post.” I said, “I think it’s just Muzak.” He responded confidently; “No, that’s definitely the original ‘Theme from the Rockford Files.”

3. Several months ago, I was watching Headline News for some reason, and Tommy walked into the room just as President Bush was giving Muhammad Ali a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Tommy said: “Hey, is that the Black Superman Muhammad Ali?”**

4. Last weekend Tommy and I were listening to the “we play anything” station on our way to his piano lesson. As we pulled into the parking lot, Tommy begged me to let him stay in the car. I asked him what was wrong, and he said: “Nothing’s wrong, I just want to hear the rest of ‘Theme from Shaft.’” When I jokingly said “That Shaft is one bad mother,” he said “Shut your mouth.”***

He has now loaded all seven “Greatest Hits of the 70s” CDs onto iTunes. Whenever I listen to my iPod now (which is almost every day), I get hit with Earth, Wind & Fire when I least expect it. He even double-checks iTunes after I listen to it, to make sure that I haven’t deleted any of his songs. He actually noticed when “Rose Garden” by Lynn Anderson was deleted. That’s where I had to draw the line. “I beg your pardon,” I said. “I never promised you (I wouldn’t delete) Rose Garden.”****

I know most of these songs don’t exactly stand the test of time, but I must admit I do get a kick out of watching his passion for this music. I even asked for a list of his favorites, and he effortlessly ticked them off for me: “Dancing in the Moonlight” by King Harvest, “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You” by Sugarloaf, “Saturday Night” by the Bay City Rollers, “Love Rollercoaster” by the Ohio Players, and “Evil Woman” by ELO. You must admit, that’s not exactly a typical play-list for a ten year old boy in 2006.

I used to feel guilty for distorting his knowledge of popular culture in this way, but I decided to stop fighting it. If that hair style is back, maybe those songs will actually become popular again. But I’ll tell you right now, if he asks me to buy him some “earth shoes,” I’ll have no choice but get him professional help.

That’s going too far.

*”Convoy” by C.W. McCall was actually a #1 hit in 1976. It’s a trucker song. If you need someone to operate your CB Radio, Tommy’s your man. “Breaker Breaker, this here’s the rubber duck.”

**”Black Superman” was a minor hit by Johnny Wakelin in 1975. The lyrics of the chorus are as follows...”Muhammad, Muhammad Ali, floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Muhammad, The Black Superman, calls to the other guys I’m Aaaaaaaaallllliiii, Catch me if you can.”

***Those are the lyrics from “Theme from Shaft.” I’m not cussing, and Tommy’s not being rude.

****”Rose Garden” by Lynn Anderson is the worst song ever recorded. The fact that it became a huge hit in 1971 is a black eye for this country; an embarrassment from which we still haven’t recovered. She was finally arrested in 2005 (although not for this--she shoplifted a Harry Potter DVD).

If you've missed any of the previous "Suburban Man" columns, click here:

Monday, February 06, 2006

Jokes for a Monday Morning

First, a thank to the "QT on the Blogs" column for mentioning this blog in yesterday's Chicago Sun Times. He wrote...
"Rick Kaempfer, at advises that if you are caught dozing off at work, your first words should be: 'They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.'"

That was awful nice of him to print that, and thanks to "J" for contributing that nugget in last week's "Jokes for a Monday Morning."

At the end of last week an alert reader complained that I didn't feature any George Bush jokes during the week of his State of the Union address. I agreed that this was an oversight, and asked for your Bush jokes on Friday's post. You responded with some good ones. (Thanks to everyone who sent them). This week, I'll feature three of my favorites. Don't worry--I'm an equal opportunity offender. We'll do Democrat jokes another week.

1. Bush Light Bulb Joke (contributed by "R")

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

2. George W. Bush Meets Moses (contributed by "J")

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet." To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, "I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering the desert."

3. Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates (contribued by "K")

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

This was sent me to me by the President. Seriously. No trick photography. It's hard to read, but it says "To Richard Kaempfer: Thank you for your support and friendship..." Just so you know--only my mother and the President call me Richard.

This Week on Rick's Blog 2-6/2-12

This Week on Rick's Blog

Monday February 6th: Jokes for a Monday Morning. This week, by request, we feature George Bush jokes in honor of last week's State of the Union.

Tuesday February 7th: Suburban Man--"The 70s are Back!" Suburban Man's evidence is undeniable. The decade we buried in the back of our closets is back.

Wednesday February 8th: The Bald Minute--"Isolation". Some of the greatest discoveries in history may have occured because of bald men and their desire for isolation.

Thursday February 9th: From the Archives--"Breaking Knees". On the eve of the Winter Olympics, we go back to the most memorable Olympics of the past twenty years; the 1994 Winter Olympics in Lillehammer, Norway. Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan, A shot to the knee, Why? Why? Why?

Friday February 10th: This Week, News & Views

Saturday February 11th: Guest Blogger John Moran. The smart-alecky divorced father of three boys blogs about the ups and downs of divorced dating (A Valentine's Weekend Special).

Sunday February 12th: An award-winning (honest) birthday tribute to Abraham Lincoln.

Sunday, February 05, 2006