“The 70s are Back!”
By Rick Kaempfer
The first time it really hit me was at church. I know, I should have been paying attention to the homily, but I had this overwhelming sense of déjà vu. Why was it that every time I went to church I had flashbacks to high school? During what I’m sure was a very inspirational message about another fundraiser to support, I realized what was causing the flashbacks.
Haircuts. Or rather, maybe I should say lack of haircuts.
Church is really the only place I see high school kids, and there were a half-dozen teenage boys in my line of vision who all had the same haircuts I had in high school. This is really saying something. After all, that bushy, shaggy, ‘I can’t see you because I have hair in my eyes’ look has been very dead for a very long time. And for good reason, I might add.
I wanted to pull those kids aside and warn them of their future embarrassment. “Kids, look,” I wanted to say, “this may be in style right now, but trust me, one day it will humiliate you.” I know what I’m talking about here. I’ve walked in their shoes. In 1978 or so, my hair accounted for something like 50% of my body weight. Want to see a picture? No way. It’s not going to happen; not even for comedy purposes. My high school graduation and prom pictures are so embarrassing that I’ve locked them away forever. If you want to laugh at me, you’ll have to content yourselves with my mullet pictures from the 90s.On the other hand, this return to the 70s has alleviated my guilt in another area. I no longer feel bad about the twisted knowledge of pop culture I’ve inadvertently been teaching my children. When I left the Oldies radio station, I took all of my CDs back home with me. This had an unintended consequence: my oldest son discovered them.
He particularly loves my seven-CD boxed set of “The Greatest Hits of the 70s.” These CDs don’t have the cool songs from the 70s that have become classic rock favorites. Instead, they feature the pop hits that were played into the ground by Top 40 radio: embarrassing hit songs that are even inexplicable to people who lived through the 1970s. (Think “Seasons in the Sun”, “Billy Don’t Be a Hero”, “The Night Chicago Died”, etc.)How has this twisted my son? Let me give you four examples of actual conversations that should never be taking place in the 21st century with a ten year old boy. For those of you too young to remember these songs, I’ll explain them at the end of this post.
1. Just before Christmas I loaded all three boys in the train to visit their mom’s office downtown. Just past the Jefferson Park stop, Tommy pointed out the window at the stop and go traffic on the Kennedy. There must have been fifteen trucks back-to-back-to-back. Tommy said; “Dad, it looks like we got us a convoy.”*
2. About two weeks ago I took the two older boys with me to the grocery store. We were waiting in line at the deli counter, when Tommy noticed the Muzak being piped into the store. He said; “Dad, it’s Mike Post.” I said, “I think it’s just Muzak.” He responded confidently; “No, that’s definitely the original ‘Theme from the Rockford Files.”
3. Several months ago, I was watching Headline News for some reason, and Tommy walked into the room just as President Bush was giving Muhammad Ali a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Tommy said: “Hey, is that the Black Superman Muhammad Ali?”**4. Last weekend Tommy and I were listening to the “we play anything” station on our way to his piano lesson. As we pulled into the parking lot, Tommy begged me to let him stay in the car. I asked him what was wrong, and he said: “Nothing’s wrong, I just want to hear the rest of ‘Theme from Shaft.’” When I jokingly said “That Shaft is one bad mother,” he said “Shut your mouth.”***
He has now loaded all seven “Greatest Hits of the 70s” CDs onto iTunes. Whenever I listen to my iPod now (which is almost every day), I get hit with Earth, Wind & Fire when I least expect it. He even double-checks iTunes after I listen to it, to make sure that I haven’t deleted any of his songs. He actually noticed when “Rose Garden” by Lynn Anderson was deleted. That’s where I had to draw the line. “I beg your pardon,” I said. “I never promised you (I wouldn’t delete) Rose Garden.”****
I know most of these songs don’t exactly stand the test of time, but I must admit I do get a kick out of watching his passion for this music. I even asked for a list of his favorites, and he effortlessly ticked them off for me: “Dancing in the Moonlight” by King Harvest, “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You” by Sugarloaf, “Saturday Night” by the Bay City Rollers, “Love Rollercoaster” by the Ohio Players, and “Evil Woman” by ELO. You must admit, that’s not exactly a typical play-list for a ten year old boy in 2006.
I used to feel guilty for distorting his knowledge of popular culture in this way, but I decided to stop fighting it. If that hair style is back, maybe those songs will actually become popular again. But I’ll tell you right now, if he asks me to buy him some “earth shoes,” I’ll have no choice but get him professional help.
That’s going too far.
*”Convoy” by C.W. McCall was actually a #1 hit in 1976. It’s a trucker song. If you need someone to operate your CB Radio, Tommy’s your man. “Breaker Breaker, this here’s the rubber duck.”
**”Black Superman” was a minor hit by Johnny Wakelin in 1975. The lyrics of the chorus are as follows...”Muhammad, Muhammad Ali, floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Muhammad, The Black Superman, calls to the other guys I’m Aaaaaaaaallllliiii, Catch me if you can.”
***Those are the lyrics from “Theme from Shaft.” I’m not cussing, and Tommy’s not being rude.
****”Rose Garden” by Lynn Anderson is the worst song ever recorded. The fact that it became a huge hit in 1971 is a black eye for this country; an embarrassment from which we still haven’t recovered. She was finally arrested in 2005 (although not for this--she shoplifted a Harry Potter DVD).If you've missed any of the previous "Suburban Man" columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchives.blogspot.com
