Rally to Restore Sanity

From this morning's Christian Science Monitor. The National Parks Service has leaked the schedule for the Rally to Restore Sanity, which until now has been strictly hush-hush. I'm getting very excited. I'll be there covering the event...

* 10:00 a.m.: The pre-pre-show begins with videos and music on the jumbotron to keep the gathering crowd friendly and entertained.
* Noon: The pre-show starts with a performance from The Roots.
* 12:40: A comedian (to be determined) warms up the audience.
* 12:57: A video countdown with a show introduction.
* 1:00: The show kicks off with the national anthem by a musical guest (to be announced).
* 1:05: Mr. Stewart welcomes the crowd – whose projected size is ballooning daily. Currently, there are 200,000 sign-ups on the official Facebook page alone.
* 1:20: Mr. Colbert enters, and two actors – Don Novello and Sam Waterston – perform readings.
* 1:40: Jeff Tweedy and Mavis Staple perform for 10 minutes, followed by Stewart and Colbert until 2 p.m.
* 2:15: Sheryl Crow performs for five minutes, followed by speakers and guests (to be determined).
* 2:30: Musical guests (also still being lined up) come on.
* 2:40: The show turns to a pre-taped sequence – The Sanity and Fear Awards. (Noting the intense media interest in this event as she reads through the rundown, Ms. Lowe says, “I’d like some sanity, myself.”)

To round out the three-hour production, Stewart and Colbert will make their final statements. Then, adds Lowe, “They all hurry up and clean up after themselves.”

Ex-Cubs in the World Series

If you choose who to root for based on the Ex-Cubs in the World Series, then here's your list of Ex-Cubs that could receive rings this year.

If the Texas Rangers win, backup infielder Andres Blanco and starting pitcher Rich Harden will get a ring.

If the San Francisco Giants win, infielder Mike Fontenot, infielder Mark DeRosa, and pitcher Todd Wellemeyer will get rings.

My son Sean and I are rooting for the Giants. We always had a soft spot for little Mike Fontenot.

Coach K blames Dusty

I never realized that Duke's Coach K was a Cubs fan too, but I should have known. He's from Chicago, after all. Well, he was pontificating recently about that infamous Bartman game in 2003, and what was going through his mind at the time, and he doesn't blame Bartman, Alou, Prior, or Gonzalez.

He blames Dusty.

He immediately told his friends watching the game with him..."Dusty has got to go to the mound to calm Prior down. He's got to go to the mound."

But then again, what does Coach K know about coaching?

C'mon Election!

I don't know about you, but I can't wait for this election to be over because I can't take another one of these negative campaign ads. They are relentless. On radio and television. Over and over and over again.

Please stop. I get it. Everybody sucks. Vote for you because you suck less.*


*And thank you so much, Supreme Court (Citizens United ruling). Unlimited (and untraceable) spending on campaigns is now perfectly legal. This is the new normal.

The English Language

This was sent to me by "MM" and I don't know the origin, but take it from somebody that has been around people struggling to learn English his whole life; I've had more than a few conversations with people trying to explain these oddities, or having these oddities explained to me.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

Who can it be now?

It was released in 1981, but after a long slow build, it became the #1 song in the country in 1982...

Junior's Farm

Released on this day in 1974. I was actually living on Austrian farm at the time....

Father Knows Nothing

Another Father Knows Nothing column has been posted at NWI Parent. This week's column is called "Realistic Television Families."

You can read it here.