Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Bald Minute: Isolation

In her book “On Death & Dying,” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grieving; Denial & Isolation, Anger & Rage, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The bald or balding man goes through the same stages while grieving for his hair loss, but no-one recognizes or acknowledges that pain. Until now.

In our upcoming book, “The Bald Handbook,” co-author Dave Stern (bald) and I (bald spot) leave no bald stone unturned as we look at each stage closely to help the balding male cope with his painful reality. Until the book comes out, this blog will present nuggets and pearls of wisdom from the book in short weekly segments, we call…”The Bald Minute.” (This feature is available for radio syndication…click on the e-mail link to inquire).

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

R: Welcome to another episode of the Bald Minute. Today’s Bald Minute subject?

D: Isolation.

R: Isolation is the evil stepbrother of Stage 1 Denial. It occurs when the balding man notices what’s happening (or not happening) on his head, and reaches the only logical conclusion:

D: “Time to go off to a remote location and never talk to humans again.”

R: Unfortunately, all bald men discover this approach doesn't work. There is nowhere to hide.

D: Christopher Columbus was so committed to getting away from fullhead mocking, he "volunteered" see if the earth was round. Sorry, Chris. It is.

R: Almost all of the Great Explorers had a motivation to go where lesser men didn't dare go; Magellan, Vespucci, Pizarro, and Cortez were all bald or balding.

D: So was Ponce de Leon. Why do you think he went looking for the Fountain of Youth? Poor guy--he found Florida. That’s almost a cruel irony.

R: The last two guys who thought they could escape the mocking somewhere on Earth were Commander Peary and Roald Amundsen.

D: Peary went all the way to the North Pole. Amundsen went all the way to the South Pole. No dice. The press was there to chronicle this "achievement."

R: After the Poles were discovered, and there was officially nowhere on earth to hide, Isolation was taken to new extremes.

D: Look at some of our greatest astronauts.
John Glenn, bald.
Buzz Aldren, balding.
Neil Armstrong, balding.
Jean Luc Picard, bald.

R: James T. Kirk. C'mon Jim. Nobody's buying the piece.

D: The lesson of Stage One Grieving is obvious.

R: Even if you undertake a mission to boldly go where no man has gone before...

D: It's no solution. You’ll still have a bald head.

R: For more information about bald Isolation...

D: Including the saddest story of all, Santa Claus...

R: Check out our upcoming book, “The Bald Handbook.” Reporting for the Bald Minute, I’m Rick Kaempfer.

D: And I’m Dave Stern.

Bald Bonus:
Alert reader "C" has an excellent fashion tip for bald or balding men. He writes:
"Bud Greenspan, as you may know, is known for his historical film documentaries of the U.S. in the Olympic Games. Have you thought of having a section in the Bald Book of the "Bud Greenspan" style of wearing your eyeglasses on your forehead to complement a bald pate? The glasses on the forehead provide a focal point for observers gazing upon the barren wasteland of the common non-hirsute cranium and thus distracts the observer from that which is clearly apparent before him (or her)."

Dave responds: That's brilliant. Every bald man has to deal with that awkward glancing at his forehead. If he could just say to himself, "She's just looking at my glasses," it might help.

If you missed any of the previous "Bald Minute" episodes, click here: