Shawn Wood is a commercial litigator and partner with the national law firm Seyfarth Shaw LLP. Shawn is also a monthly columnist for Chicago Lawyer magazine and a recipient of its Annual Writing Award. Most recently, he was honored by the Chicago Daily Law Bulletin as one of its "40 under 40 Attorneys To Watch" in 2005.He's also a very funny writer. He was kind enough to contribute the following analysis of "Lawyers in the movies" for the blog...
The Legality Awards
by Shawn Wood
Portrayals of lawyers as everyday heroes in the movies is what draws many in every generation to the legal profession.
And when it comes to seasoned, battle-tested warriors, from Gregory Peck’s champion for the unjustly accused in To Kill a Mockingbird, to Glenn Close’s determined, big-firm litigator in Jagged Edge, to Paul Newman’s boozy, solo practitioner in The Verdict, our celluloid legal heroes are often memorable, compelling, and well-drawn.
So every March, between the Oscars and March Madness, I offer my annual Fake Legal Oscars column, focusing on silver screen portrayals of what was once called The Noble Profession. So cue music and yank Joan Rivers off the red carpet. Here goes...
Best Opening Statement
No one followed the “keep it simple, stupid” rule better than Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny. Nine words on behalf of the defense: “Everything that guy just said is bullsh--. Thank you.”
Gotta love the “thank you” at the end. You never want to be impolite.
Best Judge
Most movies portray judges as scowling, one-dimensional stiffs without ever showing us the person behind the stern demeanor and black robe.
So the Fake Legal Oscar for Best Judge goes to the late Ted Knight for giving us the most unforgettable jurist who ever lit up the big screen: Judge Smails in Caddyshack ("Don't just stand there, Spaulding, get some glue!")
If there was any justice in this world, there would have been a sequel featuring Judge Smails on the bench handling his motion call ("well, counsel.... we're waiting") or mentoring young lawyers at bar functions ("the world needs ditch diggers, too").
Best Portrayal Of The Unauthorized Practice Of Law
How pessimistic has the world become when the most heroic portrayal of a member of the legal profession in recent film history was by Julia Roberts playing indomitable non-lawyer (expressly anti-lawyer) Erin Brockovich?
On a brighter note, this movie would also win in the category: “Best Supporting Undergarment In A Law-Related Film.”
Most Boring Trial
People hate watching lawyer movies with lawyers. We can’t resist pointing out any parts that are legally flawed. Like if you rent the steamy legal thriller Body Heat with a date, don't kill the mood by belaboring the film's misapplication of The Rule Against Perpetuities (unless you're dating a first-year law student, in which case, this type of banter might be a turn-on).
I think the reason movies get it wrong sometimes is not because the producers couldn't afford a legal consultant, but because "keeping it real" can end up being, well, boring. Case in point, the award here goes to The Rainmaker. Building a courtroom drama on an insurance coverage trial is like going to Taste of Chicago and stuffing yourself at the Burger King booth. It’s just a wasted opportunity.
Best Witness Examination
This one goes to Woody Allen for his inimitable examination of himself as a treason defendant in Bananas, replete with objections. ("I object your honor. This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. I move for a mistrial.")
Worst Theme Song
No contest. Rod Stewart’s “Love Touch” from Legal Eagles.
The inane lyrics make “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” sound like “Stairway to Heaven.”
The Honorable Dr. Gonzo
“What Were The Casting People Smoking?” Award
The nominees for most miscast actor portraying a young lawyer could be endless, from eighties brat-packer Judd Nelson in From the Hip to Risky Business call girl Rebecca De Mournay in Guilty as Sin.
The award here, though, must go to Keanu Reeves in The Devil’s Advocate.
I’ll buy that Keanu made the leap from the surfer dude he played in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (and about ten other movies) to action flicks like Speed and The Matrix after spending some time in the gym. But Keanu “whoa” Reeves as a killer litigator with a southern accent and national reputation for having never lost a jury trial?
What’s next, Stifler from American Pie in a remake of And Justice For All?
Best Intentionally Comedic Portrayal
Assuming Keanu’s Matlock turn wasn’t intended to be funny, the winner in this category will surely go to Phil Morris when his recurring Seinfeld character Jackie Chiles gets his own feature film. (“It’s lewd, lascivious, salacious, ... outrageous!”)
Until then, in a Cinderella victory over Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar and Michael Richards in Trial and Error, I’m giving Bill Murray’s criminally ignored performance in Wild Things the nod in this category.
You probably didn’t see this movie, and if you did, you might remember more about Denise Richards than Bill Murray. Either way, hats off to whoever recognized Murray’s “range” was not limited to playing ambitious assistant greenskeepers or irreverent military heroes. His performance as the neck-brace-wearing, storefront shyster in Wild Things is a welcome surprise in this otherwise uneven piece of pulp fiction.
Most Commendable Attempt To Make
A Transactional Practice Seem Film-Worthy
The drama of trial practice unavoidably makes for better theater than, say, a well-considered plan for corporate debt restructuring (although the latter often pays better).
Consequently, there’s always been a cruel irony in the fact that transactional lawyers often put together film deals, and yet Hollywood has given us precious few on-screen transactional lawyers whose practice was remotely interesting.
Sure, Robert Duvall is great as non-litigator Tom Hagen in The Godfather movies, but as we all remember, he had a special practice, he handled one client. Tom Hanks played a transactional lawyer in Philadelphia, but the movie quickly shifts to Denzel Washington's courtroom thundering against Hanks' former firm.
So the final award here, on sheer style points, goes to James Spader as Charlie Sheen's easily corruptible partner-in-crime in Wall Street. This is hardly one shining moment for the portrayal of any type of lawyer on film, but Spader's descent from jittery rookie to corner-office criminal ("what's in it for moi?") is inspired, instructive, and best of all, interesting.
And Finally, Best Portrayal Of “What It’s Really Like”
My winner here, barely edging out a stellar Paul Newman (circa. 1959) in The Young Philadelphians, is Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.
Not convinced? Still hung up on the Nuremberg defense problem? Still focusing on the painfully trite banter between Cruise and Demi Moore during softball batting practice? All fair criticisms, but Premiere magazine lists the climactic “You Can’t Handle The Truth” examination of Jack Nicholson’s Colonel Nathan Jessep as one of the 100 best movie moments ever, and who could argue?
The Premiere article also makes the mistake of describing Cruise’s Lt. Kaffee as a “young hot shot lawyer,” and this misses the whole point.
Lt. Kaffee wasn’t a hot shot. He was young, inexperienced, and most importantly, known for not trying cases. The movie showed a young lawyer coming to grips with these realities. It showed mundane strategy sessions (“we’ll get the witness to admit it!”). It showed the challenge of controlling a hostile witness (“what do you want to talk about now, my favorite color?”). It showed the struggle between trusting one’s own instincts and the doubts brought on by inexperience. And then best of all, there was the glass of water.
As the voices inside his head are saying “abort mission,” and before he takes a chance and comes out a winner, Cruise walks over to counsel table and pours himself a glass of water. As he raises the glass to his mouth with a nervous, shaking hand, the scene manages to capture the simultaneous fears, doubts and joys of “what it’s really like” to be an assiduous new member of The Noble Profession.
And if Cruise had put down the glass, looked into the camera like Seinfeld’s Jackie Chiles, and said “delectable, delightful ...delicious,” this might have been the best movie ever made. I guess we’ll need to wait for the sequel.
That wraps up this year's awards. Now get back to work, March Madness is only weeks away.
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