In 1997, after Commissioner Faye Vincent had been forced to resign as the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, and Bud Selig had taken over on an interim basis, Selig announced that baseball was looking for a full-time commissioner.
The Bald Handbook co-author Dave Stern thought it would be funny to send in a letter applying for the job. This is the letter he sent:
To Whom it May Concern:
It has come to my attention that you and your colleagues are currently in search of a new commissioner of baseball. You have stated the ideal candidate should be an expert in marketing, television, and labor and have the strong presence to preside over all ceremonial functions. Allow me to address each of your concerns point by point.
*As you see from my enclosed resume, I was the marketing manager of a Kinkos in Champaign.
*My experience is television is vast. Among my (viewing) credits, M*A*S*H, The Donna Reed Show and The Dick Van Dyke Show. I particularly enjoyed the episode where Danny Thomas played Kolak from the planet Twilow.
*My experience in labor is equally extensive. I have rented (and even watched it once) Norma Rae several times. I also worked in a rubber stamp factory in high school, which involved a great deal of manual labor.
*As far as a strong presence during ceremonial events, my excellent performance opening the Ark at my niece's Bat Mitzvah and breaking the glass at my wedding are among my all-time highlights. Videos available upon request.
Finally, I feel my greatest asset is my name. Imagine if both the NBA and MLB had commissioners named "David Stern"! That's the kind of free publicity you couldn't buy.
Sincerely,
David Stern
P.S. My baseball knowledge is also superb. My 120-42 record in Sega Genesis speaks for itself.
The funniest part of this story, is that he actually got a few responses. First from Bud Selig himself.
Dear Mr. Stern:
Thank you for your recent letter.
I appreciate your interest in the Commissioner's job and I will certainly share your letter with members of the Commissioner Serach Committee which has just been convened.
Thank you for taking time to write to me and for your interest in Major League Baseball.
Sincerely,
Allan H. Selig, Chairman
Major League Executive Council
He also got a letter from the office of Peter O'Malley, the President of the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Dear Mr. Stern:
Peter O'Malley is currently out of town, but I know he will appreciate your thoughtful letter which arrived this morning. We are grateful to you for taking the time to write and we believe that baseball will soon identify a full-time, outside, independent commissioner and restore the public's confidence in the game.
Best Wishes.
Tasha Duncan
Administrative Assistant to Peter O'Malley
We followed Dave's quest on the John Landecker show, and thought it was quite humorous, but to me, the funniest response came a month later from Heidrick and Struggles, Executive Search Consultants. Obviously Dave's name had been passed along to them by Peter O'Malley and Bud Selig.
Dear Mr. Stern:
Thank you very much for your interest in the postiion of Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
At this stage, many candidates are under consideration for this poition. We will share your credentials with the appropriate individuals and will contact you should we need further information.
Again, thank you for your interest.
Sincerely,
Theodore Jadick
Managing Partner
Needless to say, Dave didn't get the job.
It is a little easier to see, however, why Bud Selig took the job himself.
UPDATE: Earlier today Dave applied for the job of White House Spokesperson. We'll let you know what they say.
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