Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Suburban Man: An interview with the 53rd President of the United States
By Rick Kaempfer
He’s still refining his political positions, but you have to give four year old Sean Harrison Kaempfer credit—he’s not merely the creation of a worn out Washington political consultant. No sir, on his fourth birthday (Today!), Mr. Kaempfer has some definite positions on the issues facing American society. His opinions may change slightly between now and the day he is sworn in as the 53rd President of the United States of America, but I wouldn’t count on it.
Ed’s note: The actual questions in his native language (“Four year old”) are in italics .
R: Mr. Kaempfer, what would you do if you were elected President?
(What would you do if you were the king of the world?)
SEAN: “I would make really big gigantic parks and turn all of the people into big gigantic yo-yos. And I would make it rain all the time. And I would drain rocks and swing from curtains.”
R: What is your national defense strategy?
(When is it OK to fight?)
SEAN: “If somebody wants to battle, it’s OK. If they take your toys, you have to say give it back please, and if they don’t give it back you have to chase them until they give it back, and then you smash them and battle. Then you make them hearts and say you’re sorry.”
R: What is your position on welfare?
(Should we help the poor children who don’t have any toys?)
SEAN: “Kids should go to the bank and get the money to buy toys. Or they could come to our garage sale. We have toys.”
R: Where do you come down on the issue of executive authority?
(Other than grown-ups, who is the boss?)
SEAN: “God is the boss. He is in heaven playing with cool computers that you don’t even have to touch anything. It happens by itself. He puts everyone else in the recycle bin.”
R: What is the solution to our education problems?
(How long do you think kids should stay in school?)
SEAN: “Kids should stay in school like five minutes.”
R: What do you think is the biggest problem with our health care system?
(What do you think about hospitals?)
SEAN: “Hospitals are boring because they always want to fix stuff instead of watching a DVD or playing in the rain or in the forest.”
R: Thank you, sir. I hope you run a clean campaign.
(Time for a bath now)
SEAN: “I’m not dirty!”
There it is, in the record books. The first official interview of our 53rd president. I’m sure he’ll later claim his quotes were taken out of context, so I have kept the tape recording of this interview to validate it.
As for his political leanings, I thought I had him figured out, but his first and last answers threw me off a little bit. I had him pegged as a conservative/libertarian, but he apparently has a little green streak in him too.
Sean Harrison Kaempfer cannot be pigeonholed into one ideology, but will never leave any doubts about where he stands, because he will not hesitate to express his views over and over and over again. His campaign motto is: “You may not like me, but I’m never, ever, going to stop talking. Ever.”
He has my vote in 2044.
And if I still live in Chicago, I’ll be able to vote for him twice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN!
If you want to read any previous Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com