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Halloween Costume Ideas
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
If you’re anything like us, every year you get invited to Halloween parties, and every year you back out because you can’t be bothered to come up with a costume.
That’s why we’ve come up with a list of costumes (for grown-ups) that are topical, timely, and easy to slap together. You can get more elaborate if you want, but let’s face it…you really don’t want to go to the effort.
1. Dick Cheney’s Hunting Buddy
For this costume, you merely need to pull your shirt all the way up over your head so it appears that your head has been shot off, and then wear a hunting vest and carry a shotgun.
Sample party comment: “Don’t worry, I won’t be shooting my mouth off tonight.”
2. Mark David Karr
Everyone’s favorite fake murderer will be a big hit this year. All you need is a pair of pants pulled all the way up to your chest, a tucked in polo shirt, and a glassy look in your eyes.
Sample party comment: “Shouldn’t we wake up the kids?”
3. Red State
Dress yourself from head to toe in red paint, wear a Dale Earnhart T-shirt and carry a bible.
Sample party comment: Pass the pork rinds. Hey--you're not one of them homos are you?
4. Blue State
Dress yourself from head to toe in blue paint, wear a PBS shirt, and hand out Planned Parenthood brochures.
Sample party comment: Excuse me, hostess? I couldn't help but notice that this party isn't ethnically diverse.
5. Ann Coulter
A long blonde wig, a short black skirt, and a gigantic chip on your shoulder is all that’s needed to pull off this costume.
Sample party comment: “The only reason we’re eating salsa is because the damn liberals let all the Mexicans into the country.”
6. Prince Harry
This is your chance to wear that Nazi uniform your grandfather brought back from the big war. You’re not dressed as a Nazi, you’re dressed as Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi.
Sample party comment: “Easy on the vodka. I don’t want to get blitz-krieged tonight.”
7. Mark FoleyDie your hair gray, and wear an expensive suit with a “No Child’s Behind Left” button on your lapel.
Sample party comment: “I don’t use a bookmark. I just bend over the page.”
8. Robert Novak
Wear a three piece suit from the eighties, comb your hair over your bald head, and scowl.
Sample party comment: “I’m going to the bathroom. Anyone else need to leak?”
9. Dusty BakerWear your Cubs jersey, put a toothpick in your mouth, and hold your Cubs hat upside down asking for donations.
Sample party comment: “Will work for appetizers.”
10. Jim Hendry
Put a pillow under your shirt, doughnut crumbs on your face and a folded up Tribune in your back pocket.
Sample party comment:"I brought a cheese tray. It cost $5000."
11. Ozzie Guillen
Wear a White Sox cap, pretend like you've forgotten how to speak English, and never stop talking all night long.
Sample party comment: "No comprende, Senorita. Cervesa?"
12. Nancy Pelosi
Wear a women’s business suit, use a full can of hair spray, and don’t blink the entire night.
Sample party comment: “There aren’t any chips in this bowl. We were told the chips would be there.”
13. Rush LimbaughWear a sports jacket over a golf shirt, and put the biggest fattest cigar you can find in your mouth. Carry a microphone and a Viagra prescription bottle.
Sample party comment: “Are you trying to get a rise out of me?”
14. President Bush's War Strategy
Wear a "NO EXIT" sign around your neck and never leave.
Sample party comment: "Nice try, but turning out the lights is not going to work. I'm not going anywhere."
15. Angelina Jolie
Puff up your lips, wear a lot of lip gloss and carry around about a dozen baby dolls.
Sample party comment: "I don't care if that's your husband, he's leaving with me."
Got any others? Send them in, and we’ll post them before the big weekend in the Reader Response section of Friday’s “This Week News & Views.”
