They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
When the NFL announced that Prince was going to be the halftime entertainment for this year's Super Bowl, it made us wonder: Won't he ever graduate to a more age-appropriate rock-and-roll-elder name like "Duke" or "Baron" or "King?"
It's time. He's 50 next year.
Of course, Prince is just the tip of the misnamed older rocker iceberg. What about the rockers that are ten, twenty, and thirty years older than him? Unfortunately for those guys, there isn't a historical precedence to guide them. Previous generations didn't have to deal with this problem. A generation ago, when a 60 or 70 or 80 year old man was rocking, it was in a chair. Now, it’s on a stage with an electric guitar.
Should old guys still be allowed to play rock and roll? Of course. However, they really need to think about how it looks, and how it sounds. It’s all about image and expectations.
The Beach Boys are a perfect example.
You must admit you judge the Beach Boys more harshly simply because of the word “boys” in their name. “Boys” should not be pushing 70. If they revised their name slightly, to say the Seaside Shuffleboarders, the expectations would be completely different.
When they perform as the Beach Boys, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those dudes are old.”
When they perform as The Seaside Shuffleboarders, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those old dudes can still rock. Rock on, old dudes!”
See how much better that is?
Bands like the Beach Boys are doomed if they don’t rename themselves.
Other bands are luckier. Bands like The Electric Prunes, The Grateful Dead, Gerry & the Pacemakers, The Kinks, and Limp Bizkit knew they would have to live with their names for a long time and planned ahead.
As a public service to the Baby Boomer rock and roll community, we’ve taken the liberty of revising the band names for others that weren’t as prescient…
.38 Special—Blue Plate Special
ABBA—AARP
Air Supply—Oxygen Tent
Alice Cooper—Cialis Co-pay
The Animals—The Angioplasties
Bad Company—Why Don’t You Ever Visit?
Bread—Bran
Captain & Tenille—Captain & Senile
Country Joe & The Fish—Old Country Buffet & the All-You-Can-Eat Fish Fry
Creedence Clearwater Revival—Creedence Clearwater Florida
The Culture Club—The Hair Club
Def Leppard—Deaf Leonard
Neil Diamond—Neil Diaper
Foreigner—We Hate Foreigners
The Four Lads—The Four O’Clock Dinner
The Four Seasons—The Sun Always Shines in Boca
The Four Tops—The Quadruple Bypass
Genesis—Apocalypse
The Guess Who—Guess Who Had a Stroke
INXS— IN-tensive Care
Iron Butterfly—Iron Lung
Journey—Cruise
KC & the Sunshine Band—KC & The Sunshine State
Gladys Knight and Pips—Gladys Knight and Poops
Night Ranger—Rogainger
The OJays—The Ben Gays
The Osmonds—The Ointments
Procol Harem—Bifocal Harem
The Replacements—The Hip Replacements
The Rolling Stones—The Gall Stones
Sly and the Famly Stone—Sly and the Kidney Stone
Squeeze—Wheeze
Styx—Cane
Supertramp—Supercramp
Three Dog Night—Three Piss Night
The Ventures—The Dentures
Wham—Scram
The Who—Who’s Left?
No charge, fellas. You can thank us by continuing to rock in a more age-appropriate fashion.
I’m sure all of the fine readers of Half Empty can help out some more. Click on the “E-mail Me” link on the right, and send along your new names for bands in need.
The livelihood of an entire generation of musicians is at stake.
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