Those of you who know me, know that I have a real problem with people who arbitrarily enforce rules against the laws of common sense. If you've been with me when a nearly empty restaurant or nightclub refuses to seat me because of an unforgivable sin (like wearing gym shoes), you've seen my hex dance; a "speaking-in-tongues"-like performance wishing business doom on a "service-industry" location turning away business for no reason.
That might be why an old friend of mine, Walter Stadler, recently sent me a copy of this letter. Unlike me, Walter is a respected member of the community--an oncologist. Like me, Walter is German. The lesson here is clear: never mess with a German man's beer.
The Yardhouse Restaurant
Glen Town Center
1880 Tower Drive
Glenview, IL 60025
I would like to thank you for your rigorous and selfless application of minimum drinking age laws. We visited your establishment for a family dinner on 12/29/06 around 5:30pm and when we ordered a beer the waitress dutifully asked for identification. Since I am more than twice the legal drinking age I was somewhat surprised, but flattered. Since I was chivalrously driving and taking my wife and family out, she did not have any identification on hand, and believe you me she looks at least 5 years younger than her actual age of 39!
Not to be deterred, we bullishly requested to speak to the manager, who also refused to serve my wife due to the lack of identification. Our 8 and 10 year old girls were with us and in order for my wife to be under 21 she would have had to bear our oldest at the age of 11, but have you seen how early girls mature these days! Besides, underage drinkers will go to all kinds of lengths to get a beer, and how could your poor manager know that these were really our daughters and we didn’t just pick them up on the street.
This got us to thinking that the whole beer drinking thing is just over rated. So we got up and left. Unfortunately, other establishments in town have not yet begun to apply the laws so mindlessly and we really have difficulty with self-control. We thus ended up eating and having a beer somewhere else.
As a resident of the Glen I am sure that all my middle-age neighbors are running from restaurant to restaurant and from bar to bar without identification, eating and drinking to their heart’s content. This has got to stop! Although this might affect your business, we would all be happy to pay higher taxes for the loftier goal of controlling this abhorrent behavior.
As a physician I am all too aware of the ravages of alcohol and I am thrilled that you apply the laws so unthinkingly. With modern make-up, plastic surgery, and the conniving deception induced by the evil desire for alcohol one can never be too careful! Perhaps we can even get rid of waitresses, bartenders, managers, and restaurants and simply require an electronic ID to be inserted into a secure “beer kiosk.” (Preferably with an airport style security line to prevent sharing of ID’s. Even better would be an implanted identity chip, but you know how much people hate shots!).
In honor of your selflessness, we will no longer visit your establishment. I can only hope that other restaurants and bars begin to take the same robotic approach to the minimum drinking age laws. You are a pillar of the community. (Now, what to do about my wine cellar?).
Sincerely,
Walter Stadler
Not quite a hex dance, but probably more effective and less embarrassing to his loved ones. Nicely done, Walter. Suburban Man approves.
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