They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
Not to be a bummer, but both of us are members of the dead parents club. Dave lost his father when he was only 13, and Rick lost his father when he was 25.
In other words, it’s been awhile.
When you lose a close family member, it’s really comforting to feel like they are watching over you, helping you through the tough times, and picking you up when you fall down.
On the other hand, do we really want them watching over us all the time?
Think about it. For every one moment you feel them helping you, how many moments do you want them to look away? For us the ratio is about 1:50. So what can you do when you don't want them to watch? Is there any way to distract someone in heaven? Try it.
“Hey Dad! Look behind you there! Is that John Wayne?”
That didn't work, did it? Maybe it's not such a great idea to have them watching over us all the time.
A fellow dead parents club friend of ours has a slightly different theory. He believes that his deceased mother looks over him, but only when he summons her.
But that’s not really a solution either.
What if you just happen to think about your deceased father when you’re buying a five dollar cup of coffee or a Japanese car? Can you feel his disapproving glare?
What if something reminds you of your mother when you eat your dessert before dinner, or sleep until noon, or wear a baseball hat in a restaurant?
Go ahead and try to distract her (“Hey Mom! Look behind you there! Is that Clark Gable?”), but we know it won't work, don't we?
If she can see, she can see. There’s no escape. You can’t hide in the bathroom. She can see through walls. Go ahead and close the door behind you. She can see through doors. She's stronger than Superman. There’s no kryptonite in heaven.
Your dead parent can see when you let your kids watch five hours of television.
She can see when you don’t hold the door for the old lady.
He can see when you pay somebody to shovel your sidewalk, or mow your lawn, or clean your house, when you're perfectly capable of doing that yourself.
Plus here’s another problem with the summoning theory. If your dead parent can hear when you summon them in your thoughts, that means they can get inside your mind.
Once they get inside, they’ll know everything. They’ll know about all the times you were “studying” with your girlfriend or boyfriend. They’ll know about all the times you looked them right in the eye and lied. Think about that. There’s not a single thought you can hide from them. They’ll even know the things you don’t dare say out loud. Those thoughts that you suppress deep in the recesses of your mind are still in there, and mom and/or dad could be listening to them right now.
In fact, if you believe in the summoning theory, since you’re summoning all of those terrible things you’ve said, done, or thought right now-- at exactly the same time you’re thinking about your dead parent--you’ve just put it all in a nice tidy summoning package. They won't even need to go searching for your disgusting inner-thoughts.
Way to go, sicko.
Do you feel her watching over you now? Yup. That answers the question, doesn’t it?
Sweet dreams.
Wait a second…she can probably see and hear your dreams too. Even THAT one.
Buckle up, bucko. When your deceased parent sees you again, you’re going to be grounded forever. And when they say forever this time, they really mean forever.
If that’s not an incentive to live a more healthy lifestyle, we don’t know what is.
If you missed any of our previous (less creepy) Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com
