Every Monday stop by for jokes, links to stories you might have missed, amusing photos and video, and more. Contributions and suggestions are welcome and encouraged. Click on the "Email Me" link on the right to contribute.
Joke of the Week: "D" knows that today is my 45th birthday, and sent me the following jokes...
You know you're getting older...
- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know what the word "equity" means.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You can go bowling without drinking.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
- You don't remember being absent minded.
- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
Stories you might have missed
1. The $25,000 Bartman autograph offer
(Bartman said no. Can we all just agree one thing? Bartman is a classy guy. You have to give him that.)
2. Girl named "Talula does the Hula from Hawaii" is allowed to legally change name
(Her new name? "I hate you mom and dad")
3. Woman accidentally stabs self during Wiccan good luck ceremony
(And so ends her run of good luck. h/t "B")
4. Rhode Island DUI case sets blood alcohol level record
(He blew a .49. He shouldn't even be alive.)
5. An A-Rod/Madonna Sex Tape?
(The details are pretty hard to believe, but someone claims they have a tape.)
Video of the week: I'd like to bring this with me wherever I go. Contributed by K.
Photo of the week: I'm probably going to H-E-double-toothpicks for this one, but I laughed out loud when I saw this...
