*This is my third appearance at this dinner as President. And I predict you will laugh harder than ever. I’m not saying I’m any funnier. I’m saying weed is now legal in D.C.
*Now, let’s face it, being President does age you. I mean, look at me. I was hoping Fred Thompson would be the Republican speaker so I could buy a reverse mortgage. You start getting crankier as you get older. Next week, I’m signing an executive order to get off my lawn. And getting older changes you. For example, coffee really disagrees with me these days — which is why John Boehner just invited coffee to address the joint House.
*Despite a great performance tonight, Scott (Walker) has had a few recent stumbles. The other week he said he didn’t know whether or not I was a Christian. And I was taken aback, but fortunately my faith teaches us forgiveness. So, Governor Walker, as-salamu alaykum...And, finally, Governor Walker got some heat for staying silent when Rudy Giuliani said I don’t love America — which I also think is a problem. Think about it, Scott — if I did not love America, I wouldn’t have moved here from Kenya.
*We just had an election. This new Congress is just getting started, which is why I want to acknowledge the leader of the House Republicans — as soon as I figure out who that is. The fact is, I really genuinely like John Boehner. But from your press reports, I gather he may be in real trouble. Over the past several weeks, many of you have been writing about a possible conservative coup — or as Bill O’Reilly calls it, “reporting from the war zone.”
