Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Bonus Father Knows Nothing Column: The Tooth Fairy

My fifth book "Father Knows Nothing" has become a bit of a seasonal choice. When Father's Day rolls around, we know to be stocked up on books. This year I thought I'd feature a few of the outtakes from the book. I wrote the column for nine years, so there are lots of them that didn't make the final copy of the book, including a few of my favorites.

This one goes back to 2007. My youngest son Sean was five years old at the time...

Sean had been harboring some suspicions about whether or not the tooth fairy really existed.

“Dad,” he said, totally seriously, “I noticed that your pile of gold dollars is gone. What happened to it?”

“We spent them all,” I said, truthfully.

“So, we have ZERO gold dollars in this house right now?”

“That’s right.”

“And the banks are closed, right?”


“Well,” he said, exposing his smile, and pointing to the new hole where a tooth had just come out, “I guess we’re finally going to find out the truth tonight.”

“The truth about what?” I asked.

“The tooth fairy.”


“Well,” he reasoned, “Every other time the tooth fairy has come, there was a pile of gold dollars in the kitchen. How could I know for sure if it was really the tooth fairy leaving me a gold dollar, or if it was YOU!”

He pointed as he accused.

“Me? What am I going to do with a used tooth?”

“I don’t know,” he said, his finger still pointing. “But I’ve got my eye on you. Now that I know you don’t have any gold dollars in the house, and that the bank is closed so you can’t get any more, I’ll know. If I wake up in the morning and a gold dollar is there, the tooth fairy is real. I’ll let my friends know. We’ve been talking about it at school.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I said.

The next morning he came to the breakfast table with his toothless grin. “Dad,” he said. “I want you to swear on the Bible that you didn’t go to the bank last night and get some more gold dollars.”

“I swear,” I answered truthfully. “The bank was closed.”

“Then we have our answer,” he said. “The tooth fairy is real.”

When his big brothers rolled their eyes, he pounced. “It’s true! There’s no way Mom or Dad could have gotten a gold coin under my pillow because they don’t even have gold coins in the house right now. There’s no question about it. The tooth fairy is real. Right, Dad?”

“Sounds like you’ve got some pretty airtight evidence there,” I said.

Sean looked me right in the eye. “You know, Dad, I’m going to tell my friends that this is true now. Is there anything else you’d like to say to me before I go to school? One last chance?”

It took all of my earthly restraint not to smile. He was letting me know in no uncertain terms that his credibility was at stake here, and he’d never forgive me if I led him astray.
What would you have done?

I just smiled, patted him on the head, and walked away.

Father Knows Nothing makes a perfect Father's Day gift, particularly for new dads, or fathers of boys. You can order the hard copy here at Eckhartz Press for only $10, and the e-book here at amazon.com