I wrote my column Father Knows Nothing for nearly a decade--something like 400 columns. Naturally I wasn't able to include all of them in my book Father Knows Nothing when it was released in 2014. This one goes back to 2011. I repost it today in honor of Mark Twain, who passed away on this day in 1910. It's about my family's attempt to consume his story Tom Sawyer.
This spring break I had
a mission in mind for my youngest son Sean (age 9). I was appalled by his lack
of historical knowledge and lack of interest in learning about it, so my plan
was to show him a bunch of movies about history over the break. I figured it
was a low-stress, sneaky way to secretly teach him history.
I started with a
softball, a classic of American literature, “Tom Sawyer” by Mark Twain. My idea
was to give him a slice of life from the 19th century, while opening the
discussion of what was going on in history in the years immediately preceding
and following that. At the very least, I figured, he would see a classic
American tale written by one of America’s greatest writers.
The version of the movie
I chose was the Disney-fied version from the 1970s. I vaguely remembered seeing
it when I was a kid, and in my memory it was a wholesome family film.
Unfortunately, there
were a few problems with my plan. In the first place, the version I chose was a
musical. I didn’t remember that. (And the music was terrible). I found myself
fast-forwarding through the musical numbers so that Sean didn’t walk out of the
room.
Secondly, and most
importantly, I didn’t remember that this was a terrifying story.
Tom Sawyer and Huck
actually witness a murder; a knifing of the town doctor. In one scene that Sean
will never forget, Tom (played by Jody from “Family Affair”) stands up for the
falsely accused town drunk (played by Sgt. Hulka from “Stripes”), and testifies
in court that the drunk didn’t do it. Tom says “I saw Injun Joe kill Doc with a
knife!”
Instead of screaming out
Perry Mason style “That’s a lie”, Injun Joe stands up and throws a knife at
Tom. The knife sticks into the wooden chair behind him–only inches from Tom’s
face.
Sean screamed and ran
out of the room, vowing never to return. I finally coaxed him back, but when he
started watching again, Tom and Becky were being chased through a cave by the
knife wielding Injun Joe who was screaming “I’m going to kill you Tom Sawyer!”
Sean screamed and ran
out of the room again, never to return.
That night he was too
terrified to sleep in his room. For the first time in his life, he asked if he
could sleep in our bed with us. The next night he asked me to release our pit
bull Ivy (we usually crate her at night), just in case a robber came into the
house. The third night he wasn’t satisfied with that, and insisted I sleep on
the couch just a few feet away from his room.
Needless to say, we
didn’t have the in-depth discussion about American history that I had planned.
Instead we had an in-depth discussion of how difficult it would be to break
into our house and kill us while we were sleeping. I showed him the locks on
the windows, and the double-paned glass. I showed him that all the doors were
locked and made of heavy duty wood. I reminded him that our dog was super
protective and wouldn’t let anyone hurt us. And I vowed that I would take the
bullet if anyone tried to shoot him.
Happy spring break, eh?
