This week I begin my last week in my 50s. In celebration of that, I'm dipping into the archives every day this week to feature something I've written in the past. Today is my 59th birthday. This piece was published in Shore Magazine the day I turned 50 in 2013.
50 Things I have learned in 50 years
1. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but everyone still
hates the squeaky wheel. Everyone.
2. Never trust a grown man who doesn’t cry at the end of
“Field of Dreams”
3. When your kids ask for your permission, they’ve almost
certainly already asked and received a “no” from your spouse.
4. People who claim they don’t lie, are in fact, lying.
5. The whole town is NOT talking about the Webb boys.
6. If you use the word “sincere”, you aren’t.
7. If someone says “that’s a fact” it means “I hope you
don’t look it up”.
8. A mechanic’s eyes turn into cartoon cash registers when
you try to explain a knock in the engine.
9. Sedentary people may not be as healthy as exercise
junkies, but they almost never need knee replacements.
10. Never trust anyone older than thirty…to fix your
computer.
11. If you live north of the Mason-Dixon line, don’t ever
buy a house with a long driveway.
12. Make friends with the high school mathletes. They will
eventually be hiring.
13. If you roll your eyes when your spouse tells a joke or
story, you are ruining the moment for everyone in the room.
14. “Self-Help Seminar” is an oxymoron.
15. When someone tells you to do things that scare you, they
don’t mean do EVERYTHING that scares you. There is no good reason to wing-walk.
16. Punching the car radio when you hear the “Kars for Kids”
commercial may turn off the jingle momentarily, but it cannot kill it.
17. “Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine, you blow my
mind” is impossible to read without singing.
18. He who laughs at himself gets the most laughs.
19. The Do-It-Yourself crowd always eventually creates more
business for the Do-it-For-You occupations.
20. Remember that even though the person tailgating you is
enraged, you are giving the people he or she is rushing to meet five or six
extra seconds to relax.
21. NEVER use the word “fetch” when asking your spouse to
get you something.
22. No man has ever satisfactorily loaded a dishwasher.
23. If you think of a joke about someone’s name, resist the
temptation. They have heard that joke a thousand times.
24. Never trust a man who calls you either “Sport” or
“Chief”.
25. “High Maintenance” is never worth it.
26. People who wear sunglasses indoors should be avoided at all
costs.
27. Basketball coaches are ten times more likely to have a
combover than any other profession.
28. The only place to find someone without mother or father
issues is Madame Tussaud’s.
29. You know who never runs out of small talk? A weatherman.
30. The most oft-repeated lie of all time is “I’m happy for
you.”
31. A person who isn’t bothered by bad reviews is someone
who has never gotten one.
32. Instant messaging someone is like jumping in front of
them and screaming: “ANSWER ME NOW!”
33. “Stop and smell the roses” is great advice even if you
take it literally.
34. If you need to talk to a musician, don’t do it before
noon.
35. Pabst earned their blue ribbon 120 years ago. Look for a
more recent winner.
36. If being an outdoorsman was so great, they wouldn’t have
invented houses, furnaces, or air conditioning.
37. Every time your child says “I’m bored” you are justified
in deducting the cost of their toys from their college fund.
38. The deliciousness of a meal is directly proportional to
how bad your breath smells after eating it.
39. Telemarketers will never answer “yes” to the question
“Can I call you right back?”
40. Your elected officials may be pathetic, but they were
elected by you.
41. The person who tells you the best gossip is also telling
your secrets to everyone they know.
42. No one has ever listened to the phrase immediately
following…”When I was a kid…”
43. “Undetectable Plastic Surgery” is an oxymoron.
44. Little Tykes is the most ironically named company of
all-time. They make toys the size of my house.
45. The only way to avoid naming a child something that
doesn’t rhyme with a dirty word is to name them “Orange”.
46. Paul Anka was only 27 when he wrote “My Way”. His
regrets are no longer “too few to mention”.
47. 100% of people working on your house will tell you the
last person who did work there clearly didn’t know what he was doing.
48. Your family may love you, but your dog is the only one
truly happy to see you when you come home.
49. There hasn’t been a “Caddyshack-quote-free” round of
golf played in America in more than three decades.
50. All of your life accomplishments will be forgotten
immediately if you die an embarrassing death.
