This Week: News & Views
*Congressional Ethics Reform Legislation
WASHINGTON (AP)—Republican members from the House of Representatives introduced an ethics bill to help clean up Congress after the Jack Abramoff scandal this week. In related stories...
=Wile Coyote has also agreed to police the Roadrunner Highway to stop “Whoever drops those Acme bombs” from ripping up the pavement
=My middle son Johnny also promises to crack down once and for all on “whoever keeps punching his little brother Sean every time he comes near Johnny’s video games.”
=And Angelina Jolie has been signed to watch over “hot celebrity hunks” to make sure they don’t cheat on their spouses.
*Immigrant Changes Name to Stop Embarrassing Snickers
CHICAGO—Chinese Immigrant Fuk King Kwok legally changed his name because a woman at the driver’s license facility warned him that his name was “dangerous in English.” His new name is Andy Kwok.
=When do you think anyone will have the guts to tell Dick Butkus what his name means in English?
=There are two politicians here in Chicago who should also be told: Dick Devine and Dick Phelan (pronounced 'failin'). You know guys, there's nothing wrong with using Rick or Richard with those last names.
=Remember, this cuts both ways. That’s why I told baseball player Robert Fick he should never move to Germany. (Ask your German friends).
*French Couple to Face Off in Election
PARIS--French Socialist Secretary Francois Hollande, and his companion (the mother of his four children) Segolene Royal, will more than likely face off in the 2007 Presidential election in France. Both are vying to lead their party.
=I predict negative campaigning the likes of which we have never seen before. It should go something like this...
Him: My opponent will never cook the books. I've eaten her cooking for twenty years. She can't cook anything.
Her: My opponent won't clean up scandals. This is a man who treats the floor like a laundry hamper.
Him: My opponent isn't what she appears to be. It takes her an hour to put on that face.
Her: My opponent isn't full of hot air. He's full of gas.
Him: My opponent does look fat in that dress.
Her: My opponent will have a back problem, because from now on, he's sleeping on the couch.
*Dolly Parton’s birthday
NASHVILLE--The country singer and actress, Dolly Parton, celebrated her 60th birthday this week.
=Most of her is just a few years away from Social Security. On the other hand, key parts of her body start kindergarten in the fall.
*Concert Riders of the Rich and Famous
CHICAGO-- The Chicago Sun Times on Thursday printed a list of demands that music stars make on their concert riders. Tell me if you can guess which one is fake.
A. Kansas--One quart of prune juice
B. Aerosmith--No pressed meats
C. Christine Aguilera--Flintstone vitamins
D. Coldplay--eight pairs of black cotton socks size 9-11
E. Ozzy Osbourne--A translator
(Answer: All are real except Ozzy...but he should consider it.)
*Joey "The Clown" Lombardo captured.
ELMWOOD PARK, Illinois--Notorious Chicago Outfit boss Joey "the clown" Lombardo was captured this week after eluding capture for nine months. The 77-year-old Lombardo was found in Elmwood Park, only a few miles from his home. He had $3000 in cash and a suitcase full of clothing.=How the mighty have fallen. In the old days the suitcase would have been full of money.
=He cracked up the courtroom by emerging from a jam-packed Volkswagen Beetle. He later squirted the judge with seltzer water before being restrained.
*Benjamin Franklin’s Birthday
PHILADELPHIA—This week marked the tri-centennial of Benjamin Franklin’s birth.
=Did you know that rich people hate Benjamin Franklin? It’s true. I asked every rich person I know to donate Benjamin Franklin pictures from their wallets to my Benjamin Franklin Tri-centennial Tribute—and every single one of them turned me down cold. Must be some sort of anti-Quaker thing.
*Chicago Smoking Ban
CHICAGO—Chicago’s tough new anti-smoking ordinance has been in effect for a week now, and people are starting to grumble about the inconvenience.
=The biggest complainers? Dry Cleaners. Without that retch-inducing-‘I’ve been in a bar’-smoke smell, people can wear their shirts more than once.
*Corvette found 37 years after it was stolen
LOS ANGELES (Reuters)—A Corvette sports car stolen when it was brand new in New York 37 years ago has been recovered in California and will be returned to its rightful owner. Alan Poster’s 1968 Corvette was stolen from a Queens garage on January 22, 1969. Since the car was recovered he has been overwhelmed by the response from well wishers.=I bet I know the first call he received: The insurance company asking for their money back.
*NFL Cancels Playoffs
CHICAGO--After the Chicago Bears were eliminated from the NFC playoffs by the Carolina Panthers last Sunday, the NFL declared that "the playoffs have been cancelled." "I mean c'mon," said Commissioner Paul Taglibue, "who are people going to root for? Denver? Pittsburgh? Seattle? Carolina? We'll just start it up again next year and hope for better results."
=I haven't seen this in the papers yet, but it feels right, doesn't it?
Your Reactions to Rick's Blog
Regarding Tuesday's Suburban Man--"Dash"
"Rick, I can relate. We have a one-year old at home. Is it just me or is it harder to get up off the floor than ever before?"
--"D"
Regarding Wednesday's Bald Minute--"Bald Bargaining"
"What happens to Stage 3 atheists? They don't have a God to bargain with."
--"S"
Rick responds: Good point. Atheists skip Stage 3 and move right on to Stage 4 grieving--Bald Depression.
Regarding Thursday's From the Archives: "Fax Radio"
"Last I heard Doug Blair was living in Wheaton and working in the computer business."
--"M"
"Brian Kelly has been the OM for WMYX and WXSS (and another station in the cluster, I keep forgetting what it is) in Milwaukee for at least 10 years...I used to work for him. Great guy."
--"L"
"My God! How old were you when you produced Steve & Garry's show?"
--"C"
Rick responds: 13. I just celebrated my 30th birthday.
Misc. Comments
"I love it. Thanks for sharing"
--"E"
"Great reading, Rick"
--"K"
"Where do you find the friggin time to do this? Love it, except for the hat you're wearing on Monday's post."
--"T"
"I enjoyed the jokes and the essays"
--"D"
"Thank you so much for including me on your blog e-mail list. I look forward to it every day. Is it OK if I send you a few e-mail addresses to add to your list?"
--"M"
Rick responds: If you know anyone who might want to be added to the e-mail list (there are several hundred of us now), I'm happy to add them. Just send me the e-mails and I'll take care of it. Also, if you want to e-mail a certain post to anyone, simply click on the envelope icon at the end of each post.
Coming tomorrow--Guest Blogger John Records Landecker. Check back over the weekend if you have a moment.
Have a great weekend.
