Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Bald Minute: Bald Love

In her book “On Death & Dying,” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grieving; Denial & Isolation, Anger & Rage, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The bald or balding man goes through the same stages while grieving for his hair loss, but no-one recognizes or acknowledges that pain. Until now.

In our upcoming book, “The Bald Handbook,” co-author Dave Stern (bald) and I (bald spot) leave no bald stone unturned as we look at each stage closely to help the balding male cope with his painful reality. Until the book comes out, this blog will present nuggets and pearls of wisdom from the book in short weekly segments, we call…”The Bald Minute.” (This feature is available for radio syndication…click on the e-mail link to inquire).

"Bald Love"
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

R: Hi and welcome to another installment of the Bald Minute. Today's Bald Minute subject?

D: Bald Love.

R: Dave, let me share a letter from a female fan. She writes, "I read somewhere that bald men have higher testostorone counts. I always tell men that are losing hair that they shouldn't feel bad--they're manlier."

D: Amen, sister. Have you ever noticed how many beautiful woman end up with bald guys? Testosterone is not the only reason.

R: It's true. Beautiful women do have pretty impressive olfactory glands. They can smell testosterone, but they can also smell something else Stage 5 bald men have an abundance of...

D: Money.

R: And why is that, Dave?

D: When a bald man reaches Stage 5 Acceptance, he no longer spends money on the following items:
• Shampoo
• Gel
• Mousse
• Rogaine
• Propecia
• Hair restoration specialists
• Baseball hats
• Sombreros
• Derbies
• Fedoras
• Foam-cheese heads
• Emu Oil
• Wigs
• Hair-weaves
• Combs
• Brushes

R: That adds up over time, giving the Stage 5 bald man more spending money than other men.

D: And the Stage 5 bald man also becomes more successful at work, because he no longer spends his work day doing the following:
• shopping for hats
• trying on hats
• washing and maintaining hats
• reading hat catalogues
• ordering hats from catalogues
• writing angry letters to makers of sham bald products
• writing letters to attorneys of sham bald products
• testifying at Grand Jury hearings against sham bald products
• explaining to the cops why you punched your bald-joke-loving brother-in-law
• stalking and taunting Benecio Del Toro
• hunting animals for their hair

R: That's quite an attractive male cocktail you're describing there; virile and rich.

D: But you'll never know that, bald brothers, until you reach Stage 5. Give up the combover, and start working through the stages of grieving for your loss. Testosterone can only take you so far.

R: For more information about bald acceptance...

D: Including our plan for taking over the world...

R: Look for our upcoming book, "The Bald Handbook." Reporting for the Bald Minute, I'm Rick Kaempfer

D: And I'm Dave Stern.


Big week for Balds in the News

*Canadian Hockey Goaltender Jose Theodore tested positive this week for Propecia, which the Olympic committee says is often used as a "masking" agent. Theodore has been taking Propecia for eight years, despite having a full head of hair.

How many of our bald brothers ran out to the store and bought Propecia after hearing he has a full head of hair? Guys, this isn't a story because the Propecia gave him a full head of hair. It's a story because he had a full head of hair and he shouldn't be taking Propecia.

*In last week's Bald Minute we talked about "Isolation." No matter how many times we point out to balding men that there is no place to hide in the world, some balding man still thinks he can do it. The latest example--Explorer Steve Fossett. After getting in a balloon and flying around the world (those things have to come down sometime, Steve-o), you would think that Steve would have learned he couldn't get away. Last week he tried to stay in an ultra-light airplane forever. It didn't work out, either.

Steve...we implore you. Give it up. There is nowhere to hide. Acceptance is the only way.

Even when working through your stage 2 rage, bald on bald attacks are never okay. Target fullheads or you're wasting valuable bald rage.


When we say "target fullheads" Mr. Vice President, we don't mean it literally. Next time, try a verbal attack. Yes, I know it's annoying the man still has a full head of hair at 78 years of age, but there are more subtle ways to address that.


What do these two Vice Presidents (Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney) have in common? Hmmm. Let's see. Is there a physical similarity? Hmmm. Do they have similar hobbies? Well, yes on both counts. But they are also both members of the Stage 2 (Bald Anger & Rage) Hall of Fame. Cheney gets his award for shooting a guy this week, but to be fair, he was already under consideration for his love of torture. Burr not only shot a guy (Alexander Hamilton), he was accused of treason for attempting to invade Mexico so that he could then invade America and name himself President. Cheney's good, but he's not that good. Yet.

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