This Week News & ViewsBy Rick Kaempfer
There really was only one story this week, but it was a doozy...
*Dick Cheney Shoots Man
CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas--The Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney, accidentally shot a hunting partner during a weekend quail hunting trip at a lobbyist's ranch in Texas. The victim, 78 year old Attorney Harry Whittington, was shot at close range in the face, neck, and chest.
Katharine Armstrong, who witnessed the shooting from the car said "he was peppered pretty good." While recovering in a Texas hospital, Whittington suffered a mild heart attack. It's a big story, but I couldn't really think of an angle. Oh no, wait a minute. Here are 24 angles.
1. It took Cheney 95 hours before he made a public comment. I guess, under the circumstances, he decided it wasn't a good idea to shoot his mouth off.
2. When he finally did talk to Fox News, he explained that he kept the story hidden so that the truth would be told. (Cough) Okey dokey.
3. The pundits were aghast that the reporters were so callous that they didn't even ask how Cheney was feeling. I'm sorry, did you just use "Cheney" and "feeling" in the same sentence? I think that's officially grammatically incorrect.
4. When Brit Hume asked Cheney if this accident had made him reconsider his love of hunting, Cheney pointed out that he did cancel the Sunday hunt that was scheduled. And you thought he had no feelings.
5. Typical biased media. The press only focuses on the bad things about Cheney. Why don't they ever report about the people he didn't shoot?
6. When Brit Hume asked him how close he was to Whittington, Cheney said they were acquaintances--not close friends. "This was the first time we were hunting together," he said. I'm guessing it's also the last.
7. I thought Cheney's re-creation of the shooting was pretty convincing. Cheney said, "Harry, can I ask you a question?" and Whittington responded, "Sure, Dick. Shoot."
8. Cheney admitted he had one beer earlier that day. Police have determined that alcohol wasn't an issue in this case because they interviewed him only fourteen hours after the shooting and he wasn't drunk. Somewhere on Long Island Billy Joel is firing his lawyer.
9. Cheney also wouldn't let them look at the gun. That one I can understand. Everyone knows you can't trust weapons inspectors.
10. The "witness" to the shooting, Katharine Armstrong, who later described the shooting in detail to the press, said her first reaction upon seeing the security staff running into the field was concern something had happened to the Vice President. Cross-examining attorneys refer to that kind of quality "eye witness" as a "LaTroy Hawkins fastball right down the middle."
11. The third person in the hunting party, U.S. ambassador to Switzerland & Liechtenstein Pamela Pitzer Willeford, allegedly asked; "Who wants to shoot first?" And Whittington responded: "I'm game."
12. Should the U.S. Ambassador to Switzerland and Liechtenstein really be in Texas when the Winter Olympics are underway? This is the only time every four years that anyone cares about either country.
13. As he lay on the ground, the victim said; "Mr. Vice President, I think you hit me in the heart." "Shake it off, Harry," Cheney responded. "I've been living without one since 1991."
14. The strangest part of this story is the way they broke from protocol. Usually they shoot the messenger.
15. In the Brit Hume interview, Cheney used the word "accuracy" eight times. Um, Mr. Vice President...I'm thinking you should stay away from that word for awhile.
16. Cheney's own health is so fragile, he has an ambulance follow him wherever he goes. That may have helped save Whittington's life in this case. At least this time the lawyer ended up in the ambulance instead of chasing it.
17. Republican tort reform. One lawyer at a time.
18. I found myself feeling sorry for Brit Hume during the interview. He did ask one tough question--and Cheney didn't like it. Hume implied that there was plenty of information that could have been released to the public on Saturday night even though they didn't know Whittington's exact condition. That's when Cheney produced a note from Epstein's mother.
19. Brit Hume said earlier this week that he didn't think "anyone in the country feels deprived that we didn't learn about this story for a few days." You've got to love his journalistic instincts and curiosity.
20. Hume also said he got the interview because "Cheney wanted the biggest audience possible." That's absolutely true. Other than the three network newscasts which have up to five times more viewers, and the network newsmagazines which have even more viewers, Fox News has the highest ratings. It wasn't because Cheney read Hume's quote in #19.
21. This was traumatic for Cheney. After he shot the man he had Vietnam flashbacks. Oh no wait, sorry. Wrong guy. He had Vietnam flashbacks after he drank his beer at lunch that day.
22. The reaction among Democrats has been predictable. Ted Kennedy pointed out the double standard: "Cheney left a woman (Katharine Armstrong) in a car too, and nobody is giving him a hard time about it."
23. Don't you wonder what kind of beer he was drinking at lunch? My guess: Killians.
24. Of all the days for the White Sox to get booked to visit the White House, it just happens to be the day news comes out that the Vice President shot somebody in the face. It turned out to be a good thing for Paul Konerko, who may have been a tad underdressed.
This Week: ALMANAC
*Susan B. Anthony Day (Feb 15)
This holiday honors one of the first women’s rights advocates. She dedicated her adult life working for women’s right to vote. It wasn’t enacted into law until fourteen years after her 1906 death.
=I always celebrate this day by buying the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
*Yoko One’s Birthday (Feb 18)
The widow of John Lennon, who this past week was given the honor of opening the Olympic Games in Torino, will be 73 years old tomorrow.
=She is starting to look a little closer to her age lately, but, knock on wood, she still has her pleasant singing voice.
Reader Response
Regarding John Moran's Guest Blog on Divorced Dating
"Hey John, do you ever use your sons to troll for hot moms? I like to do it at the doctor's office."
---A
John Responds: "Thanks for the tip. I'll include it in the rotation of Target, the grocery store, and all kid's sporting/school events."
Regarding last week's "News & Views"
"You actually used the word 'Kvetching'. OK, I busted up at that one. I think, other than Joy Behar, you are the only non-Jew I've ever heard use that word! And willingly and correctly, too..."
---L
Rick Responds: "You're a mensch for noticing."
Regarding Suburban Man's Valentine's Day dilemma.
"I sympathize with your consternation about Valentine's day and the appropriate gift, but I'm sure it has to do with your cultural heritage as well as your sex. German's are simply deficient in the romantic gene:
Russians - ballet
Greeks - theatre
French - the Louvre
Italians - opera
Germans - celebrating the prince's wedding--Octoberfest (no Hallmark card for that holiday)"
---W
"I have to agree with High Maintenance Women. My ex (the martyr) used to say that she didn't want flowers, but it was a ruse. Beware if she starts asking you what her favorite color is; it's a trap and the first sign of trouble."
---J
"Well...what did you get for Valentine's Day from your wife? You have to update us."
---B
Rick responds: The smarty-pants actually gave me a heart-shaped box of chocolates. I bet her secretary picked it out.
Regarding the Bald Minute
"It seems that there are two types of bald men: One in whom the man
predominates, and one in whom the baldness predominates. Examples:
The Man Predominates (Michael Jordan, Bruce Willis, Sean Connery)
The Baldness Predominates (George Costanza, of course, Judge Alito, and
most T.V. weathermen)."
---C
Dave responds: Excellent point. Which one is Dick Cheney?
