By Rick Kaempfer
Next time you go to the supermarket, look at the covers of women’s magazines. Every one of them....and this is no exaggeration...every single one of them, has an article with some sort of variation of this headline: “How to drive your man crazy in bed.” If you can’t find at least one women’s magazine with a headline like “10 Secrets to Satisfying Your Man,” or “6 Tips That Will Make Him Squirm with Pleasure,” or “His 5 Secret Erogenous Zones,” you aren’t looking very hard.
Every time I see these headlines, a question immediately pops into my brain. The target audience for these magazines is predominantly women 18-34 years old, right? That means their men are presumably the same age, right? Then my question is this: Is there really a big problem getting 18-34 year old men interested in bedroom activities? I’m guessing that none of the readers of these magazines have experienced this a single time. Never. Not once.
Why? Because 18-34 year old men need only one thing to get excited in bed: a willing woman. Once he gets that, his odds of being satisfied are nearly 100%. None of the bells and whistles are necessary. Trust me on this.
In fact, introducing bells and whistles (or God forbid ten of them) could bring disastrous results. Remember, in the desire department, even the hungriest young woman is no match for the most lackluster man. The time needed to rev up an 18-34 year old man is approximately one second, give or take one second. Among the things that could do it?
=Air
=Water
=Food
=Hunger
=Day
=Night
What are these magazines doing? The equivalent magazine piece for men would be titled “How to Get Your Women to Buy More Shoes.” It’s simply not necessary. What younger women really need is a way to hose down their hormonal stallions. That’s the real advice these magazines should be offering.
Of course, the common misconception is that women don’t need any help in this department. They’re born with the ability to discourage, right? Nonsense. They only think they have this ability. They’ve taken it for granted for too long. The eye-rolling, the old excuses, and the old techniques no longer work. Men these days are way too savvy.
Rookie Mistakes
One common mistake women make is thinking a standard excuse will slow him down. A hastily delivered “I have a headache” isn’t even a speed bump. Men take that as a given. Any man worth his salt carries Tylenol with him wherever he goes. The other most common technique, excessive yawning combined with constant reminders of how tired you are, can actually work against you. Where do you go when it’s time to sleep? That’s right, and his mind is already there.
So what can you do? Many young women think they can dampen the desire of their man by making themselves as unattractive as possible. They don’t wear makeup, put on a ratty sweatshirt and sweatpants, and avoid a shower for a few days. That should scare him off, right?
Wrong. That won’t even slow him down. Once a man has sampled the goods, no amount of smudging can erase his crystal clear memories. Plus, he can always turn off the lights or close his eyes and retrieve those memories. If you’ve been using some of the techniques described in those magazines, you really have no chance of getting those memories out of his head. You’re going to have to take drastic steps.
Granted, hosing him down without scaring him off is a high-wire act, but if you keep the following four phrases in your purse, and use them only for emergency hose-downs, I guarantee success.
1. Look, honey, I got this picture of your mother framed.
This is a verbal and visual kick to the groin. You have effectively ended any and all overtures for the night...immediately. Gone. Done. He’s going to the refrigerator right now.
If you can’t or won’t get a picture of his mother, it may be good enough to simply talk about his mother just as his engine starts revving. Try one of these alternative phrases...
“I wonder what your mother is up to tonight.”
“Your mother must have been a beautiful woman when she was younger, don’t you think?”
“Do you think your parents are still...you know... active?”
All will kill his desire instantly. Sigmund Freud didn’t have the slightest idea what he was talking about.
2. Make some popcorn honey, there’s a Merchant Ivory Film Festival on Lifetime tonight.
Don’t freelance on this one. One misplaced word and it might not work. Don’t substitute another movie. Don’t substitute the number of movies. Don’t substitute the channel (unless it’s Oxygen). This is very important.
Every guy is programmed to sit through at least one “chick flick,” so simply urging him to watch one movie (like “Beaches” or “Steel Magnolias”) won’t do it. It’s worth a roll of the dice for any man. He knows he’ll get bonus points for sitting through it. But no bonus points are worth sitting through more than one. And Merchant Ivory movies? Oh boy, does he hate those. The characters are too buttoned-up, too uptight, and too British. No man has any interest in Victorian England—it’s our all-time least favorite historical era. Plus, those movies average about sixteen hours in length. If you say there will be more than one, he can do the math in his head. If you throw in the Lifetime network, his head will explode because he knows this is a gal’s network, which means tons of commercials, and this will make these already endless movies even longer. There isn’t a straight man alive that won’t run for the hills.
3. Have you ever noticed how good looking gay guys are?
Even insecure guys won’t get jealous if you think gay guys are good looking. In fact, he’ll probably say it himself every time a better looking guy is around. However, the one time he will definitely NEVER say it is when his engines are getting revved up.
If you say it at precisely the right time, he will do just about anything to get away from you as quickly as possible. Otherwise he’ll have to explain why his engine is revved up at the same time you’re talking about gay guys. That’s a conversation that will kill his desire instantaneously. Just thinking about explaining it, will help turn off his engine.
But what if it doesn’t? Does that mean he’s gay? No. It just means you’ve waited too long to say it. He’s going to need a glass of verbal cold water thrown in his face and pronto. Keep in mind that I don’t recommend using this last one unless you want him to stay away for several days. Keep it under glass and break the glass only in case of emergency.
4. Oh Boy. I better get some cranberry juice right away.
We know what that means. It means no matter what we say or do, nothings going to be happening for several days...if we’re lucky. As soon as the word cranberry comes out of your mouth, he’ll be turning on the ball game.
If you are dealing with a naïve or inexperienced man who doesn’t know the code meaning of “cranberry juice”, I recommend this alternative: “Have you ever had a really painful canker sore?”
If you’re a young mother, a simple “Next time you’re at the store can you pick up another tube of Preparation H?” or an “Oooh. I can feel my milk coming in,” will suffice.
You’re free.
Now please, for your own sanity and rest, stop reading those women’s magazines. Don’t go looking for any secret erogenous zones or secret ways to satisfy him or secret ways to make him squirm in bed. He’s like the Terminator. It already takes a lot of effort to get rid of him.
And he’ll be back.
