They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?
Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.
Today we’re serving nine fine sports whines.
1. ESPN Scroll
Women's softball should never, and we repeat never, be listed on the news-flash scroll at the bottom of the ESPN screen. Anyone who wants to know a women's softball score attended the game. Let's take it easy on the tennis scores too, please. Geez, I wonder if the #27 seed beat the #73 seed in the first round of the Greater Australian Virginia Slims/American Airlines Open?
2. Baseball Rainouts
Oh, boo hoo. It's raining! Call the game! We're going to get wet! Players in every other team sport (including soccer) will play in a hailstorm, but baseball players act like they are wearing suede.
3. Baseball Fights
Say what you want about the punch Michael Barrett threw at A.J. Pierzynski, but at least it was a real punch. Baseball fights usually look like the fight over the last creampuff at the sorority social.
4. The little white dot on the top of the baseball helmet
The little button on the top of a baseball cap is hard enough to explain (what does it do?), but to actually paint a button on the top of a helmet seems completely ridiculous.
5. The Dog Show on ESPN
Fellas, please give us a break here. Unless the fat old lady running next to the poodle has to jump over hurdles or is about to get tackled by a 300 lb. lineman, this belongs on a chick channel.
6. The last 30 seconds of a basketball game
Is there a wife out there who hasn't been burned by "There's only thirty seconds left in the game--we can go as soon as it's over"? The last thirty seconds of a college basketball game actually take longer than the first 39 minutes and 30 seconds. Why not just play the last thirty seconds?
7. Cellphone waving yahoos
Let us get this straight. You paid over $100 to get the best seat in the house so that you could wave to your buddies on television? You obviously have too much discretionary income. Please send each of us a check immediately.
8. Athletes in cameo roles on TV
Willie Mays would never know Donna Reed. Don Drysdale would never know Mike Brady. Joe Montana would never know Al Bundy. The only realistic athlete cameo would have been on the West Wing, and they were smart enough not to do it.
9. U.S. Cellular Field Condiment Dispensers
Granted, this one is really only for those of us in Chicago, but can anyone explain why the "Ketchup" label is written in yellow while the "Mustard" label is written in red? How many games have been ruined by the sacreligious act of accidentally putting ketchup on a hot dog?
Again, we've just scratched the surface on sports whines. We're sure you have some you'd like to contribute. Just click on the "comments" link below--all comments go directly to Rick's e-mail.
We'll print the best ones in Friday's post.
Check out other Half Empty columns here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com
