By Rick Kaempfer
Between 7:30 a.m. when Bridget leaves for work, and 6:00 p.m or so when she returns, our house is uni-gender: Just Dad and his three boys.
I’ve always relished this arrangement and so have the boys. Any parent knows that boys and girls have some genetic tendencies (from birth) that cannot be denied. While our situation does not fit all gender stereotypes because I’m a stay-at-home dad, my boys undoubtedly have some genetic male tendencies, and some of them have been heightened by spending so much time with Dad. For instance, the way we communicate is very stereotypically male.
*Logic is our friend.
*What you see is what you get.
*Substance trumps style.
*There are no secrets.
*It’s always OK to joke around.
We slipped into this comfortable lifestyle effortlessly after I became the primary caregiver of the household. In each of the five ways listed above, I think our male-dominant home is a little bit different than a female-dominated home….and in a good way. We spend a lot of time laughing and almost no time at all engaged in needless mind games.
On the other hand, we also fit the gender stereotypes in ways which are a little less admirable.
*Diplomacy is not our friend.
*Modesty is virtually non-existent.
*Negotiation is always a three step process.
1) State your case and expect agreement.
2) Threaten.
3) Make your point physically.
*Hygiene is not a top priority.
I’ve been working hard on making the boys a little less stereotypically male on these last four points, but so far I’m losing the battle.
Especially with the modesty issue.
The boys are so cavalier about modesty that they think nothing of walking around the house naked after they come out of the shower. This is no big deal when it’s just the four of us, but it’s a huge problem when we have company. All three of them still have a hard time making that distinction at times.
My youngest son Sean takes the modesty issue to extremes. He has the Pavlovian habit of stripping down whenever he hears the shower running. He’ll part the curtains and jump right in. That doesn’t really bother his brothers, but it really bothers my sister and mother when he stays at their homes. They’ve learned to ALWAYS lock the door. (I’ve talked to him about this, but the Pavlovian effect is difficult to wipe out.)
The bathroom, in general, is a problem. When they take care of business, they bring an entire library with them. I understand their need for uninterrupted solitude, but it turns out the teachers at school don’t share that understanding. Neither do our friends and relatives. A house party deprived of unoccupied bathrooms has a tendency to cause problems…especially when beverages are served.
But we’re working on these issues, we really are.
Don’t look at me that way. I know what you’re thinking.
I swear it really isn’t a case of monkey-see, monkey-do. I don’t do any of these things myself because I had it beaten out of me growing up in a home with a mother and a sister. My mistake was not doing the same thing with my boys when they exhibited these natural male tendencies. Unfortunately, because there were no women around, and it wasn’t really disrupting our household, I didn’t crack down on this behavior. As it turns out, that was a huge mistake.
God only knows what other mistakes I’ve already made that haven’t yet reared their ugly heads. Sometimes I worry that I’m raising boys with an entirely skewed view of the world, but all I can do is keep doing my best, and hope that I’m not causing any long-term damage.
On the bright side, I know I’m raising boys who are self-assured, reasonable, substantive, and funny. That can take them a long way in life.
The question is: Will the world ever discover that if they never get out of the bathroom?
If you missed a previous Suburban Man column, click here: http://rickkaempfer.blogspot.com
