They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
Million Dollar Holiday Gifts
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
This holiday season we are really in the giving mood. In fact, we’re prepared to give away millions of dollars.
It’s better to teach someone to fish than to give them actual fish, right? That’s why your good buddies Rick and Dave are handing out six of our business ideas from our “Million Dollar File,” absolutely free.
That’s right. The following ideas are all potential goldmines. They only need a fisherman to cast out the line. With a little gumption, a little spit and polish, and a little start-up capital, these businesses could each be worth a mint.
1. Uri-Geller Auto Body Shops
The man can bend spoons with his mind. It’s a total waste of his talent. Think of what he could do for Chevys and Lincoln Town Cars (with no overhead costs!) He wouldn’t return our phone calls, but that doesn’t mean he won’t return yours. Good luck, and please wish him our best.
2. Players Association Fantasy Camps
At the existing fantasy camps featuring players from the 60s and 70s, participants play baseball with the old stars. At this fantasy camp featuring more recently retired players, participants will be taught how to hold out, how to demand your own personal trainer, how to inject your buttocks, and how to manage your financial portfolio. It’s much more realistic than those other “fantasy” camps.
3. Topless Tapas
We’ve had closed-minded potential-investors claim that nobody would go to a Topless Tapas restaurant because only couples go to Tapas joints, and only groups of guys go to Topless joints. They didn’t see the potential of bringing couples and groups of guys together. This is a unity business, one that will allow us to live in harmony. You get it, right? Good. Now open one up. We want to bring our wives.
4. The Dead-Head Job Hunting Guide
We starting writing this book in 1995 (when Jerry Garcia died) as a service to all those poor souls who could no longer follow the Grateful Dead around the country. We figured they would have to get jobs, and wouldn’t have the necessary skills. Our handy guide gave them important interviewing tips like “wear shoes,” and even provided a glossary to explain the real definitions of terms like “business trip.” For some reason we never finished the book, but the deadheads still don’t have jobs. If only someone else took the ball and ran with it…
5. The Deaf Comedy Jam
The HBO people weren’t receptive to our pitch a few years ago, but the new executives working there now will probably see the wisdom of a comedy concert for the deaf—a totally untapped comedy market. A simple word of caution, however. Don’t try to stage it without HBO. They threatened to sue us for copyright infringement if we staged our own, claiming…are you ready for this… “people might confuse it with the Def Comedy Jam.” Right. Talk about paranoid.
6. The Sound of Music Gift Shoppe
OK, let’s start at the very beginning—a very good place to start. We’ve each been to Salzburg and were blown away that there wasn’t a single Sound of Music Gift Shoppe in the town the movie was filmed. What Sound-of-Music-fanatic wouldn’t want to bring home some “raindrops on roses” or “whiskers on kittens” or “brown paper packages tied up in strings” as souvenirs? Yes, Austria is a long, long way to run, but the hills are alive there…with the sound of euros.
There you have it. Millions of dollars you didn’t have five minutes ago. Enjoy your new found wealth.
All we ask is that you think of us when your butler brings you a pina colada at your Bahamian winter home.
Happy Holidays.
If you missed any previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com
