By Rick Kaempfer
I call it the “Parenting Book Black Hole.”
Even though there are literally thousands of parenting books on the market offering tips on the best and most productive ways to discipline a child, as far as I’m concerned, none of them have the answer when it comes to the most humiliating parental moment: the public tantrum.
I’m not talking about the everyday whining for candy that every parent has to deal with at the checkout counter.
No, I’m talking about the Super Bowl of tantrums: the uncontrollable screaming, kicking, and punching by the demon-seed exorcism-candidate you brought to the store with you. The kid whose eyes look at you through the tears to say: “What are you gonna do about it in front of all these people?”
Kids are smart. They know that strangers don’t look at a rampaging kid and think – “Wow, that’s a bad kid.” They think – “Wow, that kid has bad parents.”
So…as your child convulses and squeals, you go through your options in your mind.
1) You can ignore the tantrum and let the kid stew in his own humiliation. That’s what some of the parenting books recommend. Unfortunately, the parenting books aren’t written with demon-seed exorcism-candidates in mind.
2) You can threaten serious consequences in a hiss-like voice with a smile on your face. Unfortunately, this takes years to perfect, and he knows you won’t do anything in front of strangers anyway.
3) You can try reasoning with him. Of course, you’re arguing from a position of weakness, and kids can smell weakness. That’s why you’re in this position in the first place.
4) You can give in. You know this is wrong on so many levels, but hell, the damn toy only costs six dollars and that’s a small price to pay for an end to your humiliation. Although, if you do that, you’ll face the exact same response next time.
None of those options will work, will they? And those are the only possible options, right?
Wrong.
I have three new options for the pragmatic parent. These simple approaches will allow you to leave the store without getting reported to DCFS, and without succumbing to the demon-seed. They aren’t going to win you any Parent-of-the-Year awards, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
1) Elicit onlooker sympathy
If you can’t force yourself to deny the child is yours, say this in a loud enough voice to be heard by all onlookers: “I’m sorry your mother left us too, honey, but I’m doing the best I can to raise you and your brothers by myself. If I buy you that toy, we can’t eat dinner tonight. You can play with your lump of coal when we get home.”
2) Pretend you’re on TV
Wave to a rack of clothing. Talk into your sleeve. Say this: “Are you rolling, Bob? Good. He’s rolling, kid. Now keep that up, and remember not to look at the hidden cameras unless you hear the director yell ‘Cut!’ Got it? Great. Keep screaming. You’re a natural.”
3) Appeal to onlooker patriotism
Don’t underestimate the power of the flag. Say this: “You just go ahead and scream, Ali. I know you weren't allowed to scream like that in Iran, but here in the good ol’ U.S of A, we have freedom. Me and the missus are just pleased as punch to have you join our family.”
These options may seem a little distasteful, but they’re guaranteed to stop the peanut gallery from camping out and watching you flounder.
Without a disapproving crowd, your child’s tantrum loses steam, which allows you to regain command. That’s when you remind him how sorry he’s going to be for putting you through this ridiculous experience.
And when you get back into the nearly soundproof car, you can exercise your own lungs.
An eye for an eye. An ear for an ear.
It’s practically biblical.
If you missed a previous Suburban Man column, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com
