By Rick Kaempfer
With Thanksgiving right around the corner, Suburban Man has been busy giving suburban thanks. It’s impossible to name everything, but the following is a partial list. This year, I give suburban thanks for...
*My furnace and air conditioner
Yes, they provide us with heat and cool air, but that’s not why I’m giving thanks for them. My furnace and air conditioner are the only things we haven’t had to replace in our home since we moved in—and yes, I’m knocking on wood as I write this.
*Silence
This unusual gift comes to my home exactly twice a week: On Tuesdays and Thursdays between 12:05 p.m and 2:20 p.m, when my youngest son Sean is in pre-school.
*Neighbors
What do I love the most about my neighbors? This is an easy one…their inattentiveness to their lawns. My natural slovenly approach to lawn care would stick out like a sore thumb on any other block.
*The Applebee’s Menu
No, I don’t love the food, but they do have a great kids menu that can satisfy all three of my picky eaters, PLUS they have a great array of alcoholic beverage choices. “No food for me, boys. Daddy’s going to drink his dinner tonight.”
*2 miles north, 2 miles south
Why do we live in the suburbs? Is it the great school system? The answer should be yes, but for us it’s not necessarily the great schools…it’s who lives 2 miles north (my sister), and who lives 2 miles south (my mom). We’ve only had to pay for a babysitter twice in ten years.
*CBS Radio
The media giant not only gave me most of the money I used to buy my house, they also did me a tremendous favor in September of 2003 when they didn’t renew my contract. Since I left radio, my high blood pressure has disappeared, I regularly get six to eight hours of sleep a night (after not sleeping for a decade), and the bags under my eyes have finally been reduced from “Do you want paper or plastic, or will you just be bringing home the groceries in the bags under your eyes.”
*The Library
We check out hundreds and hundreds of books every year. It’s five minutes away, my kids absolutely love going there, and here’s the biggie…it’s free. Plus, the library in my home town bought my first book. I still get a kick out of seeing if anyone has checked it out.
*Orange, Green & White
My prize possession is my grandmother’s old lamp from the sixties. It has one green plastic shade, one orange plastic shade, and one white plastic shade. My wife thinks it’s obnoxious and has relegated it to the basement. If I found out my house was on fire, this lamp is the only possession I would bother saving.
*It takes a village
I got a call the other day from one of the parents in the neighborhood. She called to say that she yelled at Tommy because he was walking home from school on the curb instead of the sidewalk, unnecessarily risking his life near the convoy of whizzing minivans. That is about the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
*7 p.m. weeknights
I always have dinner ready for her when she walks in the door, but that’s the least I can do for my wife. When she comes home from work, she is ready to take over the house—something I was never ready to do when I worked. I’m just about the luckiest guy in the world.
Those are just some of the things I’m giving suburban thanks for this Thanksgiving.
If you'd like to share some of your suburban thanks, click on the "e-mail me" link above on the right, and I'll share them with the rest of the class on Friday.
Happy suburban Thanksgiving.
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