By Rick KaempferIt should be a rule that every member of the family gets at least one toy for the holidays. There’s something about receiving a toy that brings out the child in everyone.
Unfortunately, keeping up with the “toy” market is a full-time job, especially for people who don’t normally receive them. It’s usually easier to just settle for a tie, or a sweater, or a pair of wooly socks.
Not this year. Not with this handy guide. No need to thank us. The smiles on the faces of your family members are all the thanks we need.
Toys for DadDad appreciates his ever-expanding tie collection, but he also likes toys just as much as anyone else…especially if the toys have something to do with golf.
The Applauding Automatic Return Putting Cup, Hammacher-Schlemmer (#CP-73372), $39.95
Putting inside the home or office can be fun, but that ten foot walk to retrieve balls can be exhausting, and without a cheering section to validate Dad’s putting prowess, it can leave him feeling alone and unappreciated. Both of those problems are solved with this product-- a cordless portable indoor putting device that provides polite golf applause before automatically returning successful putts. Sadly, if Dad misses, he’ll still have to do the ten foot walk of shame.
The Potty Putter, Wonderfullywacky.com, $19.95
This is just what it sounds like—something for Dad to do at his favorite hangout. It includes a putting green, a putter, two golf balls, a flagstick, and a “Do Not Disturb” sign for the door.
The RadarGolf System, Sharper Image (#RG001), $249.95
Yes, the price tag is a little daunting. However, with this system, your father may never have to buy golf balls again. With a tiny implanted microchip in the core of the RadarGolf ball and a handheld beeping device to let him know when he is getting closer to his ball, he will never lose a ball again. On the other hand, you might advise him not to use this ball on the water holes. (The kit comes with a dozen radargolf balls, a handheld device, and specially lined pouches to keep spare balls from affecting the search).
The Remote Control Golf Ball, Hammacher-Schlemmer (#CP-72460), $39.95
This product looks and feels like a real golf ball, but it can also be controlled by a tiny remote control device. Watch Dad’s friends and co-workers ooh and ah as he putts the ball waaaaay too hard, only to see it zig and zag back into the hole.
Toys for MomOf all the members of the family, Mom is least likely to want a toy…at least not in the traditional sense. With that in mind, we’ve slightly expanded Mom’s definition of “toy” to provide the kind of gifts that she would really appreciate—but would never buy for herself.
Locate 1, Sharper Image (#MT200), $499.95
It’s pricey, but Mom’s worth it. What does she spend most of her time doing every day? Worrying. And isn’t five hundred bucks a small price to pay to slow down the emergence of Mom’s gray hair? With this wireless GPS that can be hidden in a backpack or the trunk of a car, Mom can keep tabs on the kids at all times. Locate 1 can even be programmed to automatically send a message to Mom when the car is going too fast. A child’s nightmare. A mother’s dream.
Extra Strength Denial Pills, Wackyplanet.com (#TOY-ARB-DENIAL-PILLS), $4.99 for one bottle, $12 for three
So you don’t have an extra $500 lying around for Mom this year, eh? Don’t fear. This gift is the next best thing for a mother of teenagers. The pills are placebos (actually candy), but they remind Mom to stop asking so many questions about what is really going on at Troy’s house. Aaah, ignorance is bliss.
The Full-Bottle Wine Glass, Hammacher-Schlemmer (#CP-70375), $24.95
Have you noticed that Mom needs a little stress relief? That first glass of wine in the evening calms her down, but the second, third, and fourth glasses often leave her feeling a little guilty. Not any more. This two-liter wine glass can hold an entire bottle of wine so Mom can limit herself to one glass a night. No guilt, no shame, and lots of stress relief. (Be sure to hide the car keys, however.)
Toys for Teens
Let’s face it. American teens have too many toys already. By the time a child reaches his or her teen years, parents have shelled out thousands of dollars for the latest must-have gadget or toy. With that in mind, we offer only one suggestion this year…and it’s technically not a toy.
Black Scottevest fleece jacket, Brookstone, $140
Your teen already has an I-Pod, a cellular photo phone, a PDA, and a Gameboy, but probably doesn’t have an efficient way of carrying them all at once. This fleece jacket comes with 12 pockets specifically designed to carry all of those gadgets and more. It includes a routing system that threads earbuds, and magnetic closures to keep all gadgets safe, plus it’s been specifically designed to evenly distribute the weight. Granted, it will officially end all face to face communication…but at least when you text message your child, you’ll know he hasn’t misplaced his phone.
Toys for the little ones
We researched the young toy market with certain important restrictions in mind: Toys must not be loud, and they must not be easily transformed into a weapon. Consider the following ideas a gift for both parents and child.
Small World Living Kitchen, Smarti Pantz Toyz in Highland, Indiana (www.smartipantztoyz.com)
Ask any pre-school teacher or day care provider about the most popular toys for both girls and boys, and they’ll tell you that kids love to play “kitchen.” Ours is not to question why, it is merely to encourage. Converting a child that likes to play in the kitchen into a helpful member of the family at dinner-time is actually an attainable goal. The more realistic the toys, the more helpful they can be. The Small World Living line is particularly good …
Small World Living Sink & Stove, $180
Small World Living Refrigerator, $160
Small World Living Fun-With-Fruit, $16
Small World Living Build-A-Burger, $9
Toys for GrandparentsAs we age, we get grumpier. It’s a fact of life. As we age, we also get more politically intractable. That’s a fact of life too. We kept that in mind as we searched for grandparent toys, and we may have found the perfect gift.
The Talking Ann Coulter Action Figure, Stupid.com, $29.99
Press Ann Coulter’s belly and she will spout anti-liberal invective. This doll does it too. It’s the perfect gift for the crotchety conservative grandpa who loves “Annie.” Watch him cackle with glee as he makes the doll spout her wisdom at his good-for-nothing liberal son-in-law. With an extra purchase of a few voodoo pins, it’s also the perfect gift for the crotchety liberal grandpa who hates “that woman.” Whenever he sees the real Ann on TV, he can take out his aggression in a healthy non-threatening way…which makes it a present for Grandma too—because she is getting sick of hearing his bellyaching.
That covers everyone, right?
Not exactly, but there’s a reason why we didn’t feature toys for children between 4 and 13 years old. Let’s face it. Those kids aren’t exactly subtle about telling you what they want. They want toys, and they’ll tell you exactly which make and model. Any deviation will not be tolerated or appreciated.
Maybe this year, with the help of our guide, everyone else will be just as happy for once.
