They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
Whenever the Oscars come around we are reminded of two things.
1) No one has the right to wear shoes worth more than the combined worth of our two homes.
2) Our only hope of seeing a movie we actually want to see is by uttering the following phrase: "I'll go to Blockbuster, thanks."
Our wives often volunteer to run this errand for us, but history shows that they are completely unable to choose a film worth watching. Most DVD boxes have gigantic flashing red lights saying "DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE!", but our wives don't see those lights.
We figured that our wives may not be the only wives that don't see the lights, so we've volunteered to spell it out more clearly on behalf of husbands everywhere. No need to thank us. This is another free service of Half Empty.
Ladies--when you see the following types of movies, keep walking...
Disease Movies -
A movie about cancer? DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. Do you really consider this appropriate Saturday evening relaxation? In fact, any and all life threatening illnesses are not acceptable. Consider this one of the golden rules of movie renting. The only exception to this rule is if the film is based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers. Now that’s a disease movie.
“Period” Pieces –
1) If the words “Victorian England” are found anywhere on the box, step away from the movie immediately. If for some reason you didn’t bring your glasses or you're having trouble reading the fine print, if the cover has a woman wearing a foofy dress or carrying a parasol: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE.
2) If the movie stars Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Dench or Ralph (prounced “Raif”, what a blowhard) Fiennes: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. By the way, Meryl Streep is this/close to getting put on the list.
Triumph of the Human Spirit Movies –
He has no arms and legs and becomes a great painter. Very impressive, but...DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. We’re really not interested, thanks for asking. Don’t get us wrong, we think it’s inspiring when the guy with no arms and legs becomes a great painter. It's just that we have fully-functioning limbs and can't spread cream cheese on a bagel without cutting ourselves--and we really don't need the limbless painter rubbing that in our faces.
Foreign Films –
Wow, you really don’t know your husbands at all, do you? If we wanted to read a book we wouldn’t have rented a movie. The only acceptable movie with subtitles is Airplane. The only acceptable movies with accents must contain the words, “Monty Python’s” in the title. However, if the movie contains a sticker with the words: "NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17," we will probably relax the no foreign film rule.
Black and White Films –
Three Stooges, OK. Everything else, not so much.
Breakfast at Tiffany's –
DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE! We know, we know, Holly Golightly is the craziest heroine ever. She also never shuts up, and she never makes any sense. If she was one of your friends, we would beg you never to invite her to our home.
Movies about dancing–
Have you noticed that we’ve never taken you dancing and that we flop-sweat at weddings? Here’s a little secret, WE HATE DANCING. We don't like doing it, and we really don't like watching it. That means we hate musicals, too. The only exception is a musical about Hitler written by Mel Brooks.
See how simple this is?
Please keep these simple rules in mind next time you choose a movie, and you won't have to put up with us snoring through another one of your picks.
Unless, of course, that was your intention in the first place.
