By Rick Kaempfer
I’ll be watching the Oscars just like everyone else this weekend. Unfortunately, for the third year in a row, I haven’t seen a single one of the nominated movies (other than those in the animated category). I’ll be watching strictly to see if either Martin Scorsese or Peter O’Toole becomes the Susan Lucci of the Academy Awards.
Because those of us with children tend to feel a little left out on Oscar-night (we don’t get out much), I’ve decided to create the Suburban Oscars.
To qualify for a Suburban Oscar, an actor or actress must have performed in a film that takes place in the suburbs. The film also cannot be a new release. Any film less than two years old is disqualified.
Winners of Suburban Oscars will receive a trophy and a suburban gift basket, but only if they fly me out to Los Angeles to hand-deliver it. (I will also accept a flight by the company that released the film.) Otherwise the trophies and gift baskets will be kept in a safe place for next year’s winners.
Without further ado, I now present the Suburban Oscars.
The nominees for most for “Most Precocious” performance by a child in a suburban-based film are…
Jonathon Lipnicki in “Jerry McGuire”
Peter Billingsley in “A Christmas Story”
McCauley Culkin in “Home Alone”
Drew Barrymore in “ET”
Heather O’Rourke in “Poltergeist”
And the Suburban Oscar goes to: This precious child
The nominees for “Best Teen Angst” performance in a suburban-based film are…
Sissy Spacek in “Carrie”
Toby McGuire in “American Beauty”
Mary Stuart Masterson in “Parenthood”
Ally Sheedy in “Breakfast Club”
Sean Penn in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”
And the Suburban Oscar goes to: Really?
The nominees for “Best Rich Teen Angst” performance in a suburban-based film are…
Tom Cruise in “Risky Business”
Matthew Broderick in “Ferris Buehler’s Day Off”
Timothy Hutton in “Ordinary People”
James Dean in “Rebel without a Cause”
Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate”
And the Suburban Oscar goes to: Him
(You’re welcome, ladies.)
And last, but not least, the nominees for “Best Teen Time Travel Performance” in a suburban-based film are…
Michael J. Fox in “Back to the Future”
Keanu Reeves in “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”
Kathleen Turner in “Peggy Sue Got Married”
Krispin Glover in “Back to the Future”
Alex Winter in “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”
And the Suburban Oscar goes to:You know it's not Kathleen Turner
Congratulations to all of our winners.
Each of you can have your people contact me at the “E-mail Me” link on this page. When you plan my accommodations for delivery of the award, please keep in mind that I have three kids, so I’ll need five airline tickets, and at least two hotel rooms. We’ll handle all other incidentals, including mini-bar.
(By the way, the real winner for “Best Rich Teen Angst” would have been him, but he’s not able to fly me to Los Angeles at the moment.)
Next year, come on back for our second annual Suburban Oscars, when we'll honor more performances you've actually seen. If you have any suggested nominees for "Best Suburban Mom" or "Best Suburban Dad" performances, feel free to send them in to Suburban Oscar headquarters.
In the meantime, enjoy the real Academy Awards this weekend.
I have to rememeber not to go to the bathroom during the "In Memorium" segment this year. The Anna Nicole Smith tribute is going to be heartbreaking.
If you'd like to read my previous Suburban Man columns, I collect them here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com
