Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Suburban Man: They say the darndest things, part 3
By Rick Kaempfer
Every day at home with my boys brings another “Darndest Things” moment, and makes me appreciate the genius of Art Linkletter even more. He was the first one to harness this unpredictable free entertainment of childhood logic, expose it to the masses, and make himself quite rich in the process.
Alas, he also owns the copyright.
But that doesn’t mean the concept itself isn’t still entertaining. Here are a handful of recent “Darndest Things” moments from my own brood. (Feel free to contribute some of your own by clicking on the “E-mail Me” link on the right.)
1. (WARNING: Non-Catholics may not get this one.) At Christmas Mass this year 4-year-old Sean fell asleep in Bridget's arms. When he woke up, he said, "Mom, did I miss the lasagna?" Bridget asked him what he meant, and he said "You know, the song, lasagna in the highest."
2. When Tommy was seven, he noticed that my mom was having trouble doing two things at once. “I thought women were good at multi-tasking,” he said. I jokingly replied: “Old women aren’t.” My mom got a chuckle out of that. A few weeks later we were in public somewhere, when Tommy noticed a 40-something woman doing two things at once without a problem. He screamed to me: “Dad, Look! I thought you said old women weren’t good at multi-tasking!”
3. I heard screaming coming from Johnny’s room, so I ran up there to see what happened. When I opened the door, Sean was trying to console his crying big brother by saying: “I didn’t slap you! I just touched your face really, really hard.”
4. We have a tradition in our house. Each year when the boys bring home their school pictures, we take down the framed photo from the year before (which is on top of the year before that, which is on top of the year before that, etc.), and look at each of the old pictures. This year when we were looking at Johnny’s old pictures, he sighed and said “I really miss the young me.”
5. At my grandfather’s funeral, I was on the altar delivering the eulogy. I mentioned that even though my grandfather was no longer with us, parts of him lived on: “For instance, his love of music lives on in his great-grandson Tommy.” Tommy, who was sitting in the front row, was so excited to be mentioned, he raised his arms in the air and did the Rocky pose.
6. Bridget was helping deliver the Cub Scouts Christmas wreaths this year, and 4-year-old Sean accompanied her. As she was loading one wreath on top of another, she asked Sean to hold her gloves. When she started struggling with the wreaths, Sean held up one of her gloves and asked: “Mom, can I give you a hand?”
7. All of my boys ask a ton of questions. They come at me in rapid fire form, often at the same time. It takes incredible dexterity to answer them in an orderly fashion. I wrote down a few of the questions a few weeks ago to give you an idea. All of these were actual questions asked during one dinner:
=What was the first dinosaur?
=What is bile?
=Do lions hibernate?
=Who invented the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’?
=What color are butterfly eggs?
=Where do bees go in the winter?
=What is convection current?
8. On the morning of my 40th birthday, Tommy was waiting for me at the base of the stairs when I woke up. He was “dressed up” for my special birthday; dress slacks, a T-shirt, and a clip-on tie attached to his T-shirt.
9. When Johnny was three years old he came into the room holding his midsection. He said "Mom, Dad, I think I broke my heart, my bones, my soul, and my cage."
10. Sean was on his way to the shopping mall to visit Santa Claus with my mother. As he walked out the door, I stopped him, and said: “Sean, be nice to Santa.” He said. “Daaaad. I’m always nice to people who give me presents.”
OK, I'll admit it. I write these down as much for me as I do to entertain you. There are so many moments like this every week that are forgotten forever simply because I don't have a pen or pencil nearby.
At least these ten moments have been duly recorded.
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