By Rick Kaempfer
When the last time you did a seventh grade homework assignment?
My sister is teaching 7th grade language arts, and her class had an assignment that was giving them trouble. She wanted to show them what could have been done with it, so she asked me if I knew a writer that would be willing to tackle the project. (She's very subtle.)
The class was given the following writing prompt...
You are a turkey farmer. One day while you are feeding the troops, one of the birds begins to say the alphabet. A thought pops through your mind, “Instead of selling these turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner, I could . . .
I wrote the following story...
Roscoe the Turkey
Rudy came out to the pen to feed all the turkeys like he did every morning, but this weekend before Thanksgiving, he was also coming out to say a final farewell to his favorite turkey Roscoe.
"Roscoe," Rudy sighed, "I brought you breakfast."
Rudy tossed the food into the pen as he always did, but this morning instead of responding with his usual clucking noise, Roscoe said the letter "A." He pecked at another bit of food, and then said the letter "B". He took another bite, and said another letter until he had eaten twenty six times, and recited twenty six letters of the alphabet.
Rudy ran back to the farm to tell his father. "Dad," he yelled, huffing and puffing with excitement and fatigue after the long run, "Dad, we can't sell these turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner!"
His father looked up from the tractor. "Why not boy?"
"Roscoe can say the alphabet," Rudy said. He held his hands at his hips as he regained his breath.
"Beg your pardon?"
"Roscoe, the turkey," Rudy explained. "He can say the alphabet. He just said the entire thing, A-Z."
"Great," his father replied. It was obvious he didn't believe him. "He'll make someone a fine Alphabet turkey soup."
"I'm serious, Dad,'" he said. "We can make more money if we keep him. Think of what someone will pay to watch a talking turkey. We can take him to the State Fair and make a fortune."
That got his father's attention, and a few minutes later Rudy and his father were both leaning against the turkey pen fence, watching Roscoe say the letters of the alphabet. Rudy was mesmerized, but his father still wasn't impressed.
"I don't know, boy," his father said doubtfully. "It's only the alphabet."
Rudy tried another tactic. "Dad, what if I told you that Roscoe also knows about insects, bodies of water, parts of your face, the host of the Tonight Show, and the most popular drink in England. Would you promise to spare him if I could prove he knows those things?"
His father smiled. "Rudy, if you prove that, we're going to the State Fair."
Rudy tossed another bit of food into the pen. Roscoe said "A". Then Rudy asked him, "Roscoe, what do you call that flying, stinging, black and yellow insect?"
"Bee," Roscoe said.
Next Roscoe identified the body of water in the Mediterranean (Sea), and after another few specks of food identified the part of the face that provides sight (Eye), followed immediately by the first name of Tonight Show Host Leno (Jay), and after another few pecks, he identified the favorite drink in England (Tea).
Rudy's father was impressed. The people who each paid five dollars at the State Fair to see Roscoe answer those same questions were just as impressed.
That Thanksgiving for the first time ever, Rudy's family ate ham.
Her class loved the story, except for Tommy's best friend. He gave it a 2 out of 10, and said that I really needed to work on my writing technique.
That child has been banned from my home.
If you're a fan of "Suburban Man", check out the blog of "NWI Parent," a publication of the Northwest Indiana Times. I'm now a regular columnist/blogger for them, writing a weekly column called "Father Knows Nothing"
