Every Monday stop by for jokes, links to stories you might have missed, amusing photos and video, and more. Contributions and suggestions are welcome and encouraged. Click on the "Email Me" link on the right to contribute.
Joke(s) of the Week:
Contributed by "C." In honor of Opening Day
Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played more than 14,000 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
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Quotes about (or by) the Cubs
"It's hard to put your finger on it. You have to have a dullness of mind and spirit to play here. I went through pyschoanalysis and that helped me deal with my Cubness."--Jim Brosnan, former Cubs pitcher
"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem. There's nothing to cheer about."--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field
"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic."--Whitey Herzog
"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help."--Bill Buckner
"You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard."--Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.
"The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter."--Radio deejay
"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets."--Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman
"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning."--Radio deejay
"One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth."--Joe Garagiola
"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street--a lot of singles, but no action."--Garagiola again
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And finally, the classic...
A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up.
The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: "Just like Chicago in Spring"
So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said:
"Just like Chicago in Summer"
This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum.
The man removed his shirt and tie and said
"Just like Chicago in August"
The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the man's room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically....
"The Cubs won the World Series...The Cubs won the World Series..."
Stories you might have missed
1. Guess who else was a Cubs fan? John Wayne Gacy
2. Drunken man awakens in garbage truck
(And yes, he was officially stinking drunk)
3. Transgender man claims he is pregnant
(He plans on naming the baby "Pat" or "Chris")
4. Gopher Explosions
(This reads like the plot of Caddyshack 3. Thanks to "B" for pointing it out.)
5. Jose Canseco names A-Rod, Clemens, Magglio, and are you ready for this one, Mike Wallace.
(Why do I think Jose is the only one telling the truth.)
Video of the week: Merkle's Ghost
A production of Just One Bad Century and Ethervision. Contributed by me. A much more believable story about what may be cursing the Chicago Cubs
Picture of the week: Contributed by "D". A new season starts today. Let's forget about how last year ended...
Reader Response
Regarding "$everance"
"I didn't have a chance until now to write you in more detail about your book and tell you how much I enjoyed it. First off, great characters. Zagorski and Lawrence were guys that I'd want to hang out with. I finished the book so quickly that I felt like I didn't get to spend enough time with them.
Second, great pacing the way you switched back and forth between characters to tell the story. And by getting to know each character early on, it stayed interesting throughout as things centered around Zagorski's adventures but then you looked forward to hearing what happened to "Sherm" and Carville (I mean, Billy Joe Brooks), and Rush Limbaugh (I mean, Striker).
Third, the scene at Wrigley was my favorite. You painted the scene perfectly. I could smell the grilled onions and stale beer. (I loved the shot at ketchup-eaters--I learned early to go either strictly mustard or the whole Chicago-dog experience-- either way, no ketchup). Fourth, I loved every shot at Fox (I mean Frost) News.
Finally, you pulled off something really different in that you told a dream-come-true story but in a way that even us wise-asses who sat in the back in the class could enjoy. A feel-good vibe without cheese or cliche. A fairy tail for skeptics. No easy task, and you nailed it. Thanks for the great read, and keep the great writing coming!"
--S
"I read the book and really enjoyed it. You've got a great style. And of course your message was well positioned too. Great job. And very funny too."
--B
295 days until we get a new president.
