By Rick Kaempfer
The only sure things in life are supposedly death and taxes, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s at least one more sure thing if you’re the parent of boys, especially during summer vacation.
Fights. Lots and lots and lots of fights.
We have a particularly combustible mixture in our house. The oldest brother Tommy doesn't want to play with either of his little brothers. This distresses the middle brother Johnny who idolizes Tommy, but can't stand the youngest brother Sean. And Sean would kill for a little attention from either of his brothers. It's literally impossible to keep all three of them happy.
In addition, Tommy has a razor sharp tongue, Johnny has a hair trigger temper and likes to talk with his fists, and Sean LOVES stirring up trouble, because hey—bad attention is better than no attention.
The other day I actually wrote down a few comments that led to fights. Mind you, this was all during one breakfast...
=Why does he get the green bowl?
=He’s looking at me
=Tell him to stop humming
=He called me stupidhead.
=I am not purple!
=He bit my butt!
=Batman cannot fly!
Each of these comments would have ended in fisticuffs if I wasn't physically standing between them to break it up.
With "summer togetherness" season upon us, I know it's only going to get worse, so I’m doing everything I can to avoid it. I signed them up for just about every activity under the sun, from summer school classes to day camps to swimming lessons.
And of course, I'm bringing back the Fight Board.
I haven’t had it officially trademarked yet, but the Fight Board was created by yours truly in a fit of inspiration during an all-out brawl a few summers ago. The fight board is non-judgmental. All it does is keep a running tally of the number of fights throughout the summer. It doesn’t matter who started it, what caused it, or whose fault it is. A fight is a fight—and a red tally goes on the board. If they can go an entire summer with less than 100 fights, they each earn a new toy of their choosing.
I know that sounds like a lot of fights, but it's really only a little more than one fight a day. When your oldest boy is twelve and your youngest is five; that's a nearly unattainable goal.
Still, the Fight Board is a "carrot and stick" approach. A carrot must be offered. If they so choose, the carrot is there waiting for them on the double digit side of the 100 fight mark. On the other hand, the real effectiveness of the fight board comes with the stick portion of the program, which kicks in with the 101st fight. Every fight over 100 results in the loss of a toy...for all three of the boys.
Does it work?
The first summer they blew it by August 1st. I think deep in their hearts they didn’t believe I would really take away toys, so they weren't too scared when they hit triple digits. They found out they were sorely mistaken, however, when they had their 101st fight of the summer. I still remember the disbelieving looks on their faces when I started a collection of Star Wars fighter jets in my room. I had nine of them in my closet in the first two days.
By August 3rd, the fights stopped. Totally. They didn’t fight again for the rest of the summer.
Seriously.
The idea of the fight board was to encourage them to settle the fights themselves. If I walked into a room and heard a fight about to start, all I had to say was: "Is this going on the fight board?" Instead of hearing who was to blame (remember the fight board doesn't care), I would get the sound that I love more than anything else in the world.
Silence.
I know all the parenting books suggest using positive reinforcement, but when given the option of the carrot or the stick, my boys will choose the stick every single time. They made a half-hearted effort to earn a new toy, but boy oh boy, they really got their act together when the toys started disappearing.
All three of them magically discovered how to get along overnight. When Johnny started to blow, Tommy helped calm him down. When Sean started screeching because his brothers were ignoring him, Johnny stepped in to give him just enough attention to avoid the meltdown. When Tommy started to lose it, the other two gave him his much needed space.
It was a miracle; a miracle that goes by the soon to be trademarked name of "The Fight Board." The groans I hear when I tack it up on the kitchen bulletin board every summer are just a bonus.
This article originally appeared in NWI Parent Magazine.
