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Joke of the Week: Olympic Jokes.
"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The official motto for the Olympics is 'One World, One Dream.' Restrictions Apply. Tibet Not Included." --Jay Leno
"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien
"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno
"Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. There is a lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson's tour bus." --David Letterman
"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman
"For some reason, they're having the Olympics in Beijing, which means the Chinese government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things about their country. It's like when your mom comes to visit your dorm room." --Jimmy Kimmel
"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien
"China is upset because somebody leaked a video of the rehearsal for the Olympics Opening Ceremony on the Internet. I don't want to give away too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch." --Conan O'Brien
"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming team this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman
"Now you think I'm exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck." --David Letterman
"Yesterday, President Bush gave the U.S. Olympic team a rousing send-off to the Olympics. Again, I don't think President Bush is that up on geography. Like he told the athletes to get there a couple of days early to acclimate themselves to the fact that China is upside-down" --Jay Leno
"And China says it will ban entertainers they deem a threat to the government from taking part in any activities during the Olympics. You make fun of the government, you'll be banned from the Olympics, to which Bush said, "You can do that?" --Jay Leno
"And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash." --Jay Leno
"The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. This is particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain, 'McDachsunds.' --Conan O'Brien
Stories you might have missed
1. Paul McCartney at a gas station in Springfield
(If I had a billion dollars, I'd like to think I would do the same thing.)
2. Cops follow Cheetos trail to find criminals
(The police call this the Hansel & Gretel case.)
3. Racist held after making Obama death threat
(There goes Obama playing the race card again...)
4. Madonna once pooped in her dominatrix costume
(This story is from a book written by her brother...thanks a lot, bro.)
5. 26 cheerleaders trapped in an elevator
(It happened in Dallas. I think I saw that movie in college.)
Video of the week: Funny Olympic Moments...
Photo of the week: Contributed by "B"
