By Rick Kaempfer
I turned 45 years old a few weeks ago. My mom and sister took me out to dinner that night, and between the salad and the steak, I had an epiphany.
My mom said: “Isn’t time moving too fast?”
Now, normally I would have agreed with her. But she happened to ask me this question in the middle of the longest summer of my life. That’s when it hit me. I may have stumbled onto the secret of living a long life. Life can’t possibly just pass you by when it seems like it’s taking forever. This summer, my boys have helped me live an extra few months by making the time tick off the clock at an excruciating pace. If I can figure out a way to do this all the time, I can live forever.
So, I started brainstorming ideas to help extend my life after school starts up in the fall. Feel free to use any of these ideas yourself. I’m happy to share. We can all live forever together.
1) Volunteer to take kids to pre-school birthday parties
You don’t have say another word. Father Time will take care of the rest. Don’t worry if the first few minutes of the party go by quickly–the kids are cute for about five minutes or so. After that, time starts to crawl. The more screaming kids, the better. The more “that’s mine” yelps, the slower the earth rotates. By the time the party is over, you will already have lived longer than your father.
2) Ask every guy you meet to tell you more about his job
Then get specific. Ask about paperwork: “What sort of information do they ask for in the requisition forms these days?” Or, ask about specific petty co-worker squabbles: “So, what’s the status of Ralph’s stapler. Any sign of it yet? I bet if you open Doris’ desk…” Better yet, offer advice on how to deal with issues at work: “You know how I would reorganize your department if I were you?” Any of those office discussions will actually make the clock start moving backwards. Remember, God could have created three universes in the time it takes a typical worker to explain a new office voice-mail system.
3) Go to weddings
Oh, not just any weddings. Family weddings don’t count. Weddings of close friends don’t count either. Any other wedding, however, will do. It’s a little known fact that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel between the “cutting of the cake” and the “father-daughter dance” at his mother’s best friend’s daughter’s wedding.
4) Talk to three-year-old children on the phone
That little three-year-old voice is so cute…for one second. Then, you’re liable to get a play-by-play of the paint drying. “And um…my shirt is green…and um…squirrel!…” Don’t set the phone down on your end either. That’s cheating. You must simply endure. Every time you feel yourself about to say “Can you put mommy on the phone, honey,” ask another question about the child’s wardrobe or better yet, Dora the Explorer.
There are four free ones. Got any other ideas?
