Guest Blogger: Dr. Ed Dunkelblau

Ed Dunkelblau, Ph.D. is a psychologist, speaker and consultant dealing with corporations, healthcare organizations and educational institutions on the topics of Humor, Health and Emotional Intelligence. Dr. Dunkelblau’s work has been has been featured in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, USA Weekend, Readers Digest, Jet Magazine, on CNN and NPR. He can be reached via his website at www.teacheq.com or at drlaugh01@aol.com

Dr. Dunkelblau was also a regular guest on the John Landecker show, and when I contacted him to blog about his recent trip to New Orleans, he graciously submitted this.


"Humor and Tragedy in New Orleans"
By Dr. Ed Dunkelblau


Just days after Mardi Gras I was walking down a wide city street looking at the empty but mostly intact houses that lined the road between trees and piles of refuse emptied from the moldy interiors. I passed an attractive, yellow, 2 story home that was also abandoned, but looked Ok. Ok, that is, until I realized that it was sitting in the middle of the street, having been separated from its foundation 30 feet away.

The flood waters of New Orleans have done indescribable damage to the neighborhoods, economy and the people of the “let the good times roll” city.

It was in the shadow of this incredible disaster that a colleague of mine, Patty Wooten, and I were invited to speak to the people of New Orleans on the topic of Humor and Tragedy. Our task was to provide a life affirming message of hope while not dismissing the hurt, sadness and pain being felt by virtually everyone who remained after the floods. Patty and I are both Therapeutic Humorists, both clinicians and both winners of the Lifetime achievement Award given by the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor.

Speaking on Humor and Tragedy, though not easy, was familiar to us, having given a number of presentations shortly after the 9/11 attacks.

We were prepared for the sorrow, the horrifying stories of loss and despair experienced by the people of New Orleans but we weren’t prepared for the scope of the devastation. It went on for miles and miles. And this was 6 months after the disaster!

Together and separately we gave a total of 6 speeches to professional and general public audiences throughout the area. The responses that we received have changed our lives forever.

The people of New Orleans were ready to laugh. Patty and I spoke about how humor and laughter can be a vacation from sorrow and loss and these folks were certainly ready for a vacation. Our jokes and stories were never funnier and our message never more appreciated than by those in attendance.

We spoke about how humor provides perspective, connects people and how it can help people feel more in control. We helped them identify what they found funny and how humor can help them physically and psychologically.

We talked about Sandy Ritz’s recovery phases of humor and where they fit into the developmental coping mechanism that humor can provide
• Heroic (at the time of impact)
• Honeymoon (one week to 6 months)
Laughs at absurdity of situation
• Disillusionment (2 months to 2 years)
Aggressive humor to express anger
• Reconstruction (several years)

We talked about how humor can reflect common fears or problems.


As it was days after Mardi Gras, we found some examples of humor from the local press and included them in our presentation. A crowd favorite was a group of women dressed as if they were blind with dark glasses and white canes and wearing signs “ LEVEE INSPECTORS”


We gave the audience suggestions for bringing more humor into their lives i.e. Find a humor buddy, someone who understands your sense of humor; Seek out things that are funny, schedule humor breaks into your day, etc.

Finally, we cautioned them about the risks of humor: Avoiding racist, sexist or any other “ist” humor; know your audience, etc.

The most moving part of the presentations came at the end. We invited the audience members to share their stories of humor, survival and courage.

One that stands out was shared by a woman quoting a police report that described how some rescuers approached a house where the family had already evacuated to safety but the pet golden retriever was unfortunately left behind. Rescuers were eventually able to get back to the house where they saw the dog desperately swimming around the living room trying to keep its head above the water. The story had a happy ending and the dog was saved but the rescuers were confused about why the dog continued to swim rather than find safety on the floating sofa. The owner laughed and shared that he is a very good dog and he knows that his isn’t allowed on the furniture.

Experiencing the resilience, tenacity and kindness of the people of New Orleans changed our lives. I hope that with our message of humor, personal power and caring we were also able to positively touch theirs.














To see any of the previous guest bloggers, click here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com

Suburban Man: Kids and Lawyers

By Rick Kaempfer




When my son Tommy told me early last year that he had some ideas for new video game designs, I encouraged him to share these ideas with the company that designs them. That’s the marketing/advertising man in me. I thought the ideas actually showed promise, and although it was a long shot, wouldn’t it be a marketing coup for a company to promote a new product actually inspired by one of the product’s devoted users?

Tommy was in third grade at the time, and this is the letter he sent to Mattel, Inc, the makers of Pixter—a hand-held video game for kids under 12. I didn’t help him with the letter at all. This is totally his own creation.

Dear Pixter Company,

I have an idea for two new Pixter software cartridges. I will be very happy if you take my ideas.

The first one is called “Architecture Masters.” It will be for kids that want to have a chance to build buildings on their Pixters. The activities will be: Build a Building, Color a Landmark, City View and Make Materials.

The other one is called “Watermarks and More.” This one will be for kids that are special effects lovers. The activities are: Free Draw, Watermarks Fun, Bleed Up, and 3-D Effects. A bonus is that it will have up to sixteen special effects.

Sincerely,

Tommy Kaempfer
Age 9

I warned Tommy that the odds of getting a response were against him, but you never know, maybe somebody will read it and consider it. They did more than that. They sent Tommy a very special letter. Here it is without corrections...

Dear Thomas Laempher,

Thank you for taking the time contact Mattel to share your idea with us. We always enjoy hearing from our young consumers and are happy to have this opportunity to respond to your letter personally.

We appreciate the time and energy you took to develop your suggestion. However, due to restrictions from our lawyers, we cannot accept unsolicited ideas from anyone outside of our company, except from professional design houses and toy brokers. We also cannot distribute or discuss your letter with others at Mattel. We have a big staff of our own designers to develop new toys and games—sometimes it takes several months or longer to develop a toy from concept to production.

We understand that you worked hard on your letter, so we are returning it to you, unexamined, so that you can share it with your friends and family.

Sincerely,
Mattel Inc.
Consumer Relations

As you might imagine, Tommy had a few questions.

"If they didn’t examine my letter how did they know I offered designs?" he asked.

"Um..." I said. "Actually, that's a good question."

"Why would lawyers tell them they couldn’t listen to kids?" he asked.

"Unfortunately," I explained, "these companies are afraid of lawsuits. If they come out with a design that is anything like a kid's design, the kid could claim it was his idea and sue them for lots of money."

"But I don't want the money," Tommy said. "I just want to play the game."

"That's just the way it is these days," I said.

Tommy was very disturbed by the letter, but he dropped the subject and never brought it up again. He also stopped caring about Pixter—his formerly favorite toy.

The Pixter sits untouched in his little brother’s room.

Oh well. I'm sure Mattel has lots of other customers. If not, at least they won’t be facing a lawsuit.

Guest Bloggers: Bridget and Tommy Kaempfer

This (above) is what my family looked like on St. Patrick's Day 1997. Tommy (the baby) is now 10 years old--and will be 11 in October. Since it's Father's day on Sunday and Bridget's birthday today (the young lass in that picture is turning...ahem...an undisclosed age), I asked them to provide a guest blog for this weekend. I really like their contributions, and I hope you do too.



Give Me Math Any Day
by Bridget Kaempfer

I am NOT a writer. From grade school to college, every writing project assigned to me turned me into the Queen of Procrastination. I assume most everyone is like that at some point in their lives. Probably some of you were still printing (or typing) your final paper for English five minutes before class started like I did. But I even did it in the fourth grade. There was nothing I hated more than a blank piece of notebook paper and being told to “use my imagination.”

However, I AM a reader. I read everything as a kid. My sisters and I would go to the library every Saturday and each of us would check out fourteen books (the limit on our cards), trade them back and forth, and do it all over again the following week. I don’t have time to read as much as I used to, but I still read quite a bit.

Much of what I read these days is the product of my husband’s hard work. Who would have known that he would provide an endless supply of new reading material right in my own home? That I would be asked on a regular basis to give a critique (which ultimately will be ignored) or check for grammatical errors in a new article? Or that some personal details of my life would be twisted out of proportion and posted on the web for the world to read?

Most of the time, I find it amusing. I never knew my family’s life could be so funny... it certainly doesn’t seem funny as its happening. I guess it’s a good thing that I can read about it later and laugh. And of course, I can claim that the really embarrassing stories didn’t really happen (he writes fiction for goodness sake...)

It’s also interesting to see a seemingly mundane event turned into something special with the power of words. Like many working parents, my busy schedule makes it nearly impossible to be as involved as I’d like, and sometimes I feel like I miss out. But I’m lucky. I get a running commentary of what is going on in my house at any given time. Whether it’s learning how to ride a bike for the first time, reaching a new level on a video game or a designing new train track configuration, I can count on the highlights of my family life being recorded so I can go back and see what I missed. It’s like my own personal TiVo (with the added bonus of being able to see humor in a trying situation after the fact, as opposed to living through it myself and killing somebody).

But I can’t do that. I’m not a writer.

“What do you want me to write?” I ask.
“Anything you want,” he says.
“What do you mean, anything? I can’t write – nobody wants to read anything I write.”
“Yes, they do,” he says. "It’ll be fine. Write whatever you want. Use this as a chance to vent at me.”

He may as well have said “use your imagination.”

Besides, I prefer to do my venting verbally. In person. At the top of my lungs.

So here I am, with the proverbial blank piece of paper and an assignment I don’t really want to do. Which is why I waited until the last minute to do this. And once it was done, I didn't tell him for three days so he would sweat about being able to post his blog on time.

After all, I am the Queen of Procrastination. I have to protect my reputation.

As for venting, his oldest son may have a few words to say....






Your Name Has 1,000 A’s
by Tommy Kaempfer








One of the most popular sayings in my house, specifically from me, is the phrase, “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!”

This is because there are some really ridiculous things my dad can do. I’m going to give you my top five most annoying.

5. Dad does this ‘short-term memory’ thing that drives me crazy. Once he thought I was my brother, Johnny. “Well, hello, Johnny.”
“Daaaad...”
“Johnny, cut it out.”
“Daaaaaaaaad, I’m TOMMY.”
“Don’t be silly.” I ran off to Johnny to show him.
“This is Johnny.”
“You’re getting weird, Johnny. That’s Tommy.”
I don’t EVER want that to happen again.

4. Og. I just can’t take this anymore. Once I told Dad that his jokes were twice as old as him. He took that as a challenge. The very next day, he gave me a smelly joke about Calvin Coolidge. “I guess Mr. Coolidge was a pretty calm guy,” I remarked after the joke. “That’s the point of the joke,” he replied. I heard quite a few VERY weird jokes that day. I haven’t really heard much of his ‘new material’ again.

3. This thing Dad has done for the last 10 (that’s how old I am, for your information) years has annoyed me for life. He says the lyrics of songs that I think s t i n k.

2. This is pretty much the same as 3, but he SINGS the songs instead.

1. This has tortured me for a lifetime. (It also has a tie.) First of all, when I don’t want to get up in the morning, he threatens to use the “Pinching Machine” or to tickle. The Pinching Machine is his own hands, of course. The Pinching Machine always will get me out of bed (other than having the Science Fair being tomorrow.)

Second of all, which is worse than Pinching Machine, is Dad’s voices. The worst is his voice of Grover. We used to have a punishment system when he would hear me talking with Johnny at night. First warning, he would take away our teddy bears. A second time, there would be no Nintendo DS. Third, someone would go upstairs in Mom’s and his room. Fourth, (although impossible), Dad would sing all the songs on his iPod as Grover. I’ve hated the Grover (and technically, Yoda) voice since I was 4 or 5.

So now you know what makes me say “daaaaaaaaaad”. Here he comes right now. He says he ate my Nintendo for lunch. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!




To see any of my previous guest bloggers, click here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com

Happy Father's Day.

From the Archives: With a Little Help from Depends

This is what Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr looked like in 1996 when they put together the Beatles Anthology project. Paul was 54 at the time and Ringo was 56.



There has been quite a bit of publicity lately about Paul McCartney's upcoming 64th birthday this Sunday. He wrote the song "When I'm 64" for the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album in 1967, and for some reason, none of us ever thought this day would come.

After looking very young well into his fifties, Paul is finally starting to look his age a little bit. He appeared on the cover of a recent AARP Magazine (don't ask how I know), and whoa...let's just say he really is 64.


Of course, this isn't really the first scary Beatles age marker. That probably occured in 2000, when Ringo Starr turned 60 years old. It certainly freaked us out at the John Records Landecker show. It inspired the following song to the tune of "With a Little Help from My Friends". I don't believe we ever performed it live, but it did appear on the 5th Landecker & The Legends CD.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS
(Landecker/Kaempfer)








What would you think if I told you how old,
Ringo is turning this year,
He's 60 years old and before you get worried,
I'll try to allay all your fears,
Ringo stays dry with a little help from Depends,
Yes he keeps dry with a little help from Depends,
His Beatle bum is still dry with Depends

For many years now ol' Ringo's been gray,
(Grecian Formula's well stocked at home)
The hair that he has is in a ponytail,
(And it's swirled to cover up his chrome dome)
But he stays dry with a little help from Depends,
He's a dry guy with a little help from Depends,
His Beatle bum is still dry with Depends.

(He don't need any money)
He's got money to burn
(He just wants his old body)
His digestive system is a concern

(How many times does he wake every night?)
I'm afraid it happens all the time
(I heard that he stays in his bed through the night)
His Depends are the no-leaking kind

So he stays dry with a little help from Depends,
He's a dry guy with a little help from Depends,
His Beatle bum is still dry with Depends

Half Empty: 10 Things a Husband Can Say to Make His Wife Laugh

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.



10 THINGS A HUSBAND CAN SAY TO MAKE HIS WIFE LAUGH

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




The following is the natural comedic arc of a relationship between a man and a woman.

1. She falls in love with you because you make her laugh.
2. She marries you.
3. She begins to roll her eyes.
4. She begs you not to tell a joke again.
5. She intentionally ruins your punch lines at cocktail parties.
6. She only loves you when you're serious.
7. She says "When will you grow up?"

Ah, love.

Don’t feel bad if the above seven step process describes you perfectly. It happens to every man after a few years of marriage. When a wife gets to know her husband a little better, he becomes less and less funny. If you talked to Jerry Seinfeld’s wife she would say the same thing.

It's really not her fault. You tell the same jokes. By the third year of your marriage she's heard every single one of them. Plus, now she's hearing those jokes from the guy who leaves his dirty socks on the floor even though he's constantly being asked to "pick up those disgusting socks."

It's inevitable. No one is to blame. It's the way God planned it.

So what can a man (who was chosen as a husband primarily because of his ability to amuse) do to keep his wife laughing? Between the two of us we have thirty years of marital experience, and even more comedy writing experience. Unfortunately, here is the comprehensive list of things a husband (of more than a few years) can say to his wife to make her laugh.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

So is that it? Your wife is never going to laugh again? Sure she will. She just won't laugh at anything you say. She will get a huge laugh, however, out of the following ten pictures. All women think these are hysterically funny. Show them to her, and bask in the nearby laughter.


















































































She's laughing, isn't she? No charge.




If you missed any previous HALF EMPTY columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Suburban Man: The Fight Board

By Rick Kaempfer






The school year officially ended this week in our school district. Kids are rejoicing all over the neighborhood. The parents, on the other hand, are chewing their fingernails and wondering what the heck they are going to do for the next three months.

I’m a little worried myself. My house will be occupied by three boys, day and night, seven days a week. The only sure things in life are supposedly death and taxes, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s at least one more sure thing if you’re the parent of boys over a summer vacation.



Fights. Lots and lots and lots of fights.




Summer vacation has barely begun, and here are just a few of the arguments I’ve already broken up over the past few days...
=Why does he get the green bowl?
=He’s looking at me
=Tell him to stop humming
=He called me a stupidhead.
=He bit my butt
=Batman cannot fly!

Each of these fights ended in fisticuffs. I speak from experience when I tell you that it’s only going to get more violent as the summer “togetherness” season heats up. I’ve taken all of the precautions I could. I signed them up for just about every activity under the sun, from summer school classes to swimming lessons, but it won’t be enough. All of these activities together are still not going to be as time consuming as school has been. Any way you slice it, these boys will still be spending waaay too much time together.

Which means it’s time to bring back the “Fight Board.”

I haven’t had it officially trademarked yet, but the Fight Board was created by yours truly in a fit of inspiration during an all-out brawl last summer. The fight board is non-judgmental. All it does is keep a running tally of the number of fights throughout the summer. It doesn’t matter who started it, what caused it, or whose fault it is. A fight is a fight—and a red tally goes on the board. This isn’t done to show them how many fights they have—although it is a nice bonus—it’s done as a reward/punishment system.

Here’s how the reward (carrot) and punishment (stick) system works. There are approximately 90 days of summer. If the boys are able to keep the number of fights below 50 for the whole summer, they each get a new toy of their choosing. That sounds like a lot of fights, doesn’t it? That’s a free fight every other day—and they’ll still get a reward. It’s also a completely unattainable goal for boys who easily fight twenty five times in a typical week.

Realizing this, I gave them a no-man’s land range of 50-100 fights in which they are neither rewarded nor punished. If at the end of the summer they managed to keep the number of fights below one hundred, no harm no foul. That’s such a vast improvement over the present situation—I would be rejoicing so much I wouldn’t be in the mood to punish them anyway.

However, once the number of fights gets above 100 (which is more than a fight a day), I start taking away a toy for each fight. For instance, if they fight 101 times—I get one toy. If they fight 120 times—I get twenty toys.

Any predictions how it went last summer?

They hit twenty five fights in the first week. The number slowed down substantially after that, because they saw the prize disappearing, but by July 1st they had officially lost their shot at the free toys. They ran through another thirty fights or so in that next two week period. As they approached 100, the fights slowed down again, but I think deep in their hearts they didn’t believe that I would really take away the toys, so the fights didn’t end completely.

They found out they were sorely mistaken on August 1st, when they eclipsed the scary 100 fight mark. I still remember the disbelieving looks on their faces when I started a collection of toys in my room. Ah, the joys of Star Wars fighter jets. I had five of them in my closet in the first two days.

By August 3rd, the fights stopped. Totally. They didn’t fight again for the rest of the summer.

I know all the parenting books suggest using positive reinforcement, but I can’t help but notice that my boys seem to respond much better to negative reinforcement when given the option. The carrot is rejected and the stick is embraced time and time again. Even with a possible reward at stake, Tommy never bothered trying to calm the combustible Johnny—he taunted him—and he paid for it. Even with a punishment looming, Johnny never tried to placate the even more combustible Sean—he antagonized him—and he paid for it. It wasn’t until the toys started disappearing that all three of them magically discovered how to get along.

When Johnny started to blow, Tommy helped calm him down. When Sean started screeching because his brothers were ignoring him, Johnny stepped in to give him just enough attention to avoid the meltdown. When Tommy started to lose it, the other two gave him his much needed space. It was like a miracle.

That’s why I love the Fight Board.

When I put the 2006 Fight Board up on the wall yesterday I heard a chorus of groans. They remember the terror of those red tally marks. They remember the disappearance of the Star Wars fighter jets. Let’s see if they remember the lesson they learned last summer. Can they control their tempers even if someone says something outrageous like “Batman can fly?” Will they prove the parenting books right and go for the carrot this time?

I’ll keep you posted, but let me put it this way: I’ve cleared out some room in the back of my closet...just in case.




For more Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Thank You Mary Ann Childers

Father's Day is a week from today, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank someone who often comes to mind when I think of my own father: Mary Ann Childers.





Why do I think of the local Chicago news anchor when I think of my Dad?


It's a very odd story. I was the producer of the Steve and Garry show on WLUP, and we did a very special Christmas show one year--a full reading of the stage version of "A Christmas Carol" starring many local celebrities.

Among the celebrities present that day: Mary Ann Childers.

I don't remember what part Mary Ann played, but I remember that I cornered her backstage and asked her to do me a big favor. I told her that my father had a thing for her. He didn't say it was time to watch the news--he said it was time to watch Mary Ann. I asked if she would mind sending me an autographed picture of herself for Dad.

She seemed very flattered, but I really didn't expect her to do it. I figured she was a busy person and this was such a low priority that she probably wouldn't get around to it. That's probably why I was blown away when she sent me her promo picture with a personal note to my Dad saying... "It was a pleasure working with your son, Rick." The picture itself says "To Eckhard--Warmest Wishes for Christmas 1988. Mary Ann Childers."

I'll never forget how excited Dad was when he opened my present to him on Christmas Eve that year. I captured it on film...






















Dad died six months later at the age of 54.

After he died I went to his office to clean out his things, and there she was, right in the middle of his desk: Mary Ann Childers. His co-workers told me that he joked with them about this picture all the time, saying that Mary Ann was his secret girlfriend.


Next Sunday is Father's Day. It's always a rough weekend for me. For the first twenty five years of my life, Father's Day weekend was a tribute to Dad. (And not just because it was Father's Day--it was his birthday too.) So, even now--seventeen years later, I struggle to enjoy Father's Day. I can't help thinking of Dad--and how much I miss him.

That's where Mary Ann Childers helps out.

When I don't want my sadness to ruin Father's Day for my kids, all I have to do is think of Mary Ann Childers. I remember how excited Dad was to get this picture from his "girlfriend," and it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

I've seen Mary Ann Childers a few times since Dad died--and I re-thanked her each time. Somehow I still don't think that's enough, so I'll say it again.

Thank You, Mary Ann.

One small gesture from you gave my Dad six months of enjoyment...and gave me seventeen years of comfort.

I'll never be able to repay you for that.

Guest Blogger: Mike Medina

Mike Medina is a long time friend. We met over twenty years ago when we both worked at WPGU Radio in Champaign. We later also worked together at WLUP AM/FM. He was an integral part (some say the only funny part) of my show Ebony & Ivory. He also produced the Buzz Kilman show on that station. Mike has since gone on to study at the Second City improv school, and for the past nine years has been working as a design engineer. He turns 43 today--happy birthday. Mike has two kids, lives in the suburbs, hasn't had a single confirmed heart attack, and continues to dabble in his life-long passion: philosophy.

Today the philosophical provacateur shares his wisdom with the youngsters...




"Words of Wisdom for the Class of '06"

By Michael T. Medina


When you are driving down the highway there are many situations where letting your foot off the gas pedal works as well hitting the brakes.

The proper reply to "thank you" is "you're welcome". Not "that's OK", "don't mention it", or "no problem". If it were a problem would you have done it?

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

When you’re standing in line for fast food think about what you are going to order before you get to the front of the line. It works better for everyone that way.

Cleaning is a top to bottom process.

If you're picking your nose in your car, use an open window to dry and flick the boogers. This will keep the inside of your car cleaner. Don't worry, when you're in your car no one can see you; you're completely anonymous! Be sure to set your cell phone down first.

Spell check isn't good enough, your have to proofread, top.

As you get older your butt starts to stink more (I think it has to do with the increased hair growth). Pay special attention to hygiene "down there".

Of course it’s always in the last place you look. Would you keep looking after you found it?

There are people who are "smart enough to know they're dumb" and people who are "too dumb to know they're not smart". The former are nicer to be around, but the latter are usually the successful ones. Gilligan could fly until the Skipper told him he couldn't. Do you know which one you are? (trick question)

You cannot cook bacon on a Hibachi.

Try to use more resources preparing your recycling than are gained by recycling. For example, use several gallons of water rinsing the cans, bottles and jars before putting them into the recycling bin. Make sure it's hot water.

Pretend to want to be closer to friends and family, but make no effort to do so. Then wonder why no one calls you.

Turn down your ear buds it's destroying your hearing.

See if a cantaloupe is ripe by smelling it. It should have a sweet fragrant smell when you buy it. Same with peaches.

Any bag of chips, no matter the size, constitutes one serving.

I’m done. Tip your waiters and waitresses on the way out.




All of my guest bloggers can be found here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com

From the Archives: World Cup article

At the end of June, I will be discontinuing my "From the Archives" feature and replacing it with highlights from my new blog; Media Notebook.

Check it out here: http://medianotebook.blogspot.com/

It examines the finances, politics and personalities in the media. There are no opinions (well, not many anyway), just links to news stories that you might have missed. In short, it helps explain how the news media really works. And yes...It just happens to be the subject of my upcoming novel: $everance.

It's currently running every Tuesday and Thursday at http://medianotebook.blogspot.com/


And now on to this week's "From the Archives"...







Since the 2006 World Cup (Soccer) is starting tomorrow, I thought I'd pull out this piece I wrote for a magazine called "Upbeat Chicago" in 1993. I was very pumped about the World Cup coming to America (in 1994). When it finally arrived, I went to every game I could. (Including the Opening Ceremonies, where Oprah fell through a hole in the stage--that was worth the price of admission.)

For the record, I'm just as excited about the World Cup this year. I'll be watching nearly every game.




A Tale of Two Topics
by Rick Kaempfer


It is the best of times....

It's time to come out of the closet. I'm ready to accept the ridicule. I am a die- hard soccer fan. Now, hold it right there. Some of you have already written me off as some kind of communist or flower-smeller. What follows is for you. I am like you in many ways. I happen to love All-American Apple-Pie sports.

For instance, I can lose myself in the joy of baseball. The leisurely pace of the national pastime is about as perfect as it gets. Whether I'm on my couch, or sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley sucking in the summer air and the summer brew, I'm as happy as a sports fan can be. I check the box scores every morning before I even read the front page. Yes, I admit that some people think it's a boring game. Nevertheless, I'm an unabashed baseball fan.

Just so you don't think I only enjoy so-called "boring games," let me tell you of my love of football. Quite simply, I consider the fall of 1985 to be the best four months of my life. When my friends and I get together the conversation inevitably leads to that eventful fall. We swap our favorite moments until it builds to the crescendo of the Super Bowl half time comments of Pete Axthelm, which we repeat in fever-pitch unison...."It's men against boys!!"

So, when I tell you that I'm a big soccer fan, I'm not just one of those guys that wears dark socks and sandals and speaks with some kind of funny accent.

I know you didn't grow up with soccer. You may have even tried to watch it a few times and found yourself bored to tears. You may tell me that with the Cubs, Sox, Bears, Bulls, and Blackhawks, you really don't have time to add another sport to your repertoire.

But what about your kids? Have you noticed how much they love soccer? More American kids play soccer than baseball or football. If you really take the time the learn the sport, you'll find that many of the very things that attract you to baseball and football will attract you to soccer. Don't be deceived by the low scores. There is much more to a sport than scoring. Besides, a 3-2 soccer game is the same as a 21-14 football game.

Why do I bring this up? Well, this summer something truly special is coming to Chicago, and I fear you may miss it. The World Cup will bring the best soccer on the planet, and it will be taking place right on Lake Shore drive in Soldier Field. If you even have it in your heart to give soccer a chance, this is the time to do it.

National teams against national teams, playing with emotion like you've never seen. If their teams lose, they won't just have an off-season (hear what I'm saying Blackhawks?), they will disappoint an entire nation. Remember the excitement you felt when the US Hockey team beat the USSR. The whole country was watching and rooting for the Good 'Ol USA. The winners become national heroes. The losers kick themselves for a lifetime.

It's hard to top this kind of drama in sports. So, you say you still don't care?
Soccer is still a game played by foreign guys in cute little short pants?

All I ask is that you watch it with an open mind. Observe the passion and majesty of the game that has a tradition as glorious as baseball. Learn the rules and appreciate the tactics. Marvel at the passing, the off-the-ball maneuvering, the graceful athletes performing tasks unimaginable to the average human. America's best athletes may play basketball or football, but in the rest of the world they play soccer. Check them out, you won't be disappointed.

If we support this World Cup we may have another professional league in this country. A league that the youth of America wants to see. The only people stopping that from happening are the "old-school" American sports fans. Don't be governed by your local sports-page. You don't have to listen to them. Make up your own mind. If you watch it with an open mind, and still find it boring...well, then consider me officially off your back.

******************************************************************
It is the worst of crimes....

Tell me if you’ve ever heard this before...”Pretty soon the criminals will be running this country.”

We see stories all the time of criminals getting off on some legal technicality. We see the crime bosses wearing their fancy suits walking out of court free men. We hear about the crooks that live a life of leisure because crime is so easy and profitable.

Of course, this isn’t true at all. There may be a few isolated examples, but the fact of the matter is criminals are not very smart.

They aren’t committing crimes because they have discovered it is far more lucrative than working for a living. They are committing crimes because they are too stupid to work for a living.

I thought I’d share a couple of my favorite examples from 1993.

The glue caper...
In the Brazilian city of Belo Horizonte, a man was robbing a shop on a Saturday morning that he knew was closed for the weekend. During the course of his brilliant money making scheme, he came across a tank of glue.
He had heard stories of people getting high sniffing glue. As he continued to fill his bag with goodies, he kept thinking about that huge tank of glue. Imagine how high he could get with an entire tank of glue! He put his bag down, walked over to the glue, put his head over the tank and inhaled. He got high. So he sniffed some more. He got higher. Unfortunately, in his glue induced stupor, he accidentally knocked over the tank of glue. He was overcome by fumes and collapsed on the floor. Luckily for him, he came to just a few hours later. Unluckily for him, he was glued to the floor. He lay there for thirty-six hours, before firemen cut him loose.

Hey, it doesn’t just happen in foreign countries. Consider the story of the Maryland man I fondly refer to as the Duke of Earl.....

Earl Lathem was one of those smart criminals that escaped from jail. He had it all figured out. He knew that the cops would never think of looking for him at his mother’s house, so that is where he immediately went. He was a little surprised when they showed up on his mother’s front porch just a few hours later. Luckily, Earl had a back-up plan. They asked him what his name was, and he was prepared with an answer. “My name is Earl, uh, Smith,” came the brilliant reply. He knew the cops would leave and look elsewhere after that remarkable retort. Only one thing snagged this intellectual criminal genius. The police asked him to spell his name. He had to admit he had no idea how to spell Smith, and he was immediately taken into custody.

So the next time you hear about the brilliant criminals taking over the world, remember the story of the glue. The next time you hear about the genius criminals taking over the country, remember the story of the Duke of Earl. It sure helps me sleep better at night.

Half Empty: Applying for White House Press Secretary

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.



When Scott McLellan announced he was stepping down as White House Press Secretary, Dave and I knew exactly who should take his place...us. We sent the following letter several days before a replacement was named. Unfortunately, the President decided to go in a different direction, hiring a "name"--Tony Snow.

So far, no response to our letter.

(Although we're fairly certain that two new files have opened at the FBI.)

April 21, 2006

President George Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500


Dear President Bush,

We would like to applaud Scott McClellan’s performance throughout the last couple of years, while offering our assistance filling his now vacant post. We think we have the perfect replacement: Us.

What are our qualifications?

We’ve both been married for over a dozen years. I’m sure you’ll agree that this is the perfect previous experience. For instance, we’ve become quite adept at dodging questions. Instead of saying, “I’d love to answer the phone, but I can’t during an ongoing football game”, we can just as easily say, “I’d love to answer that, but I can’t comment on an ongoing criminal investigation.” See what a seamless transition that would be?

Since we’re married, we’re also accustomed to deferring to the “Commander-in-Chief” of our homes—our wives. We know better than to freelance without getting approval of everything we say in advance. Plus, we know how to take the blame for everything. In fact, between the two of us, we’ve accumulated over a hundred different ways of apologizing. You think you have low approval ratings...Talk to our wives sometime. We don’t want to diminish the job there, but if anyone thinks we can’t handle the angry press corps, they should come to our house on recycling day when we accidentally throw out the wrong kind of plastic. Our ‘environmental wacko’ wives make David Gregory look like Mother Theresa.

Finally, we are both very familiar with foreign policy. We don’t like to toot our own horns but both of us are superior RISK players. Just think of how valuable our knowledge of Irkutsk, Kamchatka and Yakutsk will be to you.

I’m sure you’ll agree that with our outstanding experience and work ethic we will be valuable additions to your administration. We would be happy to meet with you in person and discuss the Press Secretary position in more detail. Please call Dave at (deleted) or Rick at (deleted) to schedule an interview.

Sincerely,



David Stern
Rick Kaempfer


P.S. Please don’t audit us.

It's possible that we haven't been thinking big enough. Please click here: http://www.petitiononline.com/thewho69/petition.html and sign our petition to have our faces included on Mount Rushmore.


We have started accumulating our "Half Empty" columns here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Suburban Man: In Defense of the Suburbs

By Rick Kaempfer




Ever since I started writing this column I’ve been getting snarky comments from long-time friends and colleagues about my “exciting suburban life.” These comments don’t really bother me because most of them come from young, childless or rich people who live in the city. They can’t comprehend why anyone would “choose” to live in the suburbs.

I’ll admit I was dragged out here kicking and screaming ten years ago. We had a baby at the time (Tommy), and we gave up our Gold Coast condo for a small Cape Cod in the suburbs. I went from a three minute cab ride to a thirty minute commute (and that was only because I worked at 4:00 a.m.). I went from a compact car suitable for parallel parking to a mini-van. I went from being a 32-year-old father of one to a 42-year-old father of three growing boys.

And I’ve never regretted my decision to move out here a single time. Why? Because I’m not young, I’m not childless, and I’m not rich.

When you’re young, you care about things like exotic restaurants and bars. When you go out three times a year, it couldn’t be lower on your priority list.

When you’re childless, you don’t care about a postage stamp backyard. In fact, it’s a plus. No muss, no fuss. When you have three boys, that’s a recipe for disaster.

When you’re young and childless, you don’t think about schools. When you have three kids and you see a headline like “Only 6% of Chicago Public School students graduate from college,” it suddenly matters very much.

When you’re rich, you also don’t worry about schools because you can send your children to private schools. When you’re not, a yearly tuition of $15,000 for a good school is not an option. If you have three kids (and I do) you would essentially be paying college tuition for a total of 48 years.

I’ve heard several other reasons that the suburbs are supposedly so offensive. I actually had one person tell me they couldn’t live with the “bland architecture.” That’s hilarious. Let me see where that comes up on my priority list...looking...looking...looking...oh there it is at #6,000,000. Another person said with a straight face, “but there’s no culture in the suburbs.” When I asked how often she went to the theatre or a museum, I heard silence in return. Another person complained that the suburbs aren’t “diverse.” Really? I coached Johnny’s soccer team for the past three years and the team was like the Rainbow Coalition.

“But there’s nothing to do!” one friend lamented.

To which I reply—like what? If there’s nothing to do, why is it that I’m busy every second of every day? I have three kids, a wife, a house, a company, a blog, a magazine I write for, and a book coming out in a few months. I haven’t even seen a movie at the theatre in three years, and I don’t feel like I’m missing a thing.

“But you have to drive everywhere!” another one said.

No we don’t. That’s one of the reasons we moved here. The boys can walk to school because it’s only three blocks away. All of the activities the boys participate in are nearby. My mother and sister both live two miles away. I work in my basement. I actually put fewer miles on the car out here than I did in the city.

“But those strip malls are so depressing,” another friend said.

You know what strip malls have? Free parking spaces. You might want to look that one up. There are people who don’t pay $20-30 for the privilege of putting their vehicles in a tiny concrete space for an afternoon, or $300 for a month, or $20,000 to own a space.

To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure I remember why I was so opposed to moving out here in the first place.

In all the years I lived in a high-rise I never even got to know the names of the people that lived on my floor...and they only lived a few steps away. I knew one as “the woman with the hairdo,” another one as “that weird guy in the corner,” and another as “the flight attendant who likes to ‘get busy’ every Saturday morning.”

I feel a sense of community here that I never would have experienced if we stayed on the Gold Coast. When Tommy was born in the city, the neighbors gave us dirty looks every time we stepped into the elevator. When Johnny and Sean were born in the suburbs, the neighbors showed up with home cooked meals.

In my humble little suburban neighborhood, everyone is in the same boat. We have a lot in common. We aren’t young. We aren’t childless. We aren’t rich. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being young or childless or rich. I’ve been two of those three things—and enjoyed that time of my life very much.

I’m just not there anymore. I’m here. And it fits me like a glove.



To see other Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

This Week on Rick's Blog (June 5--June 10)

Rick and Tommy 1996











Monday June 5--Jokes for a Monday Morning











Tuesday June 6--Suburban Man: In Defense of the Suburbs. City folks just don't get the suburbs. It's time that Suburban Man schooled them.




Wednesday June 7--Half Empty: Applying for White House Press Secretary. When Scott McLellan stepped down as White House Press Secretary, Rick and Dave applied. We didn't get the job--but we probably got our very own FBI file.




Thursday June 8--From the Archives: World Cup '94. The 2006 World Cup begins this week. I haven't missed one since 1970. This was my excited take on the 1994 World Cup coming to Chicago--an article in Upbeat Chicago Magazine.




Friday June 9--This Week News & Views. Observations, jokes and comments about the big stories in the news this week.








Saturday June 10--Guest Blogger Mike Medina

Reviews for "The Radio Producer's Handbook"

Now that I'm getting all my ducks in a row for the release of my first novel $everance (coming later this year), I've been going through some of the materials from my first book, co-written with John Swanson: "The Radio Producer's Handbook" (Allworth Press, 2004).

It's still available on Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com. Click on the links on the right if you'd like to purchase a copy.

Here are some of the kind words about the book from media professionals you might know...(Thanks to all of you for contributing)



RADIO PERSONALITIES


JOHN RECORDS LANDECKER, Legendary Radio Personality, (WIBG, WLS, CFTR, WJMK, and many other stations.)
"Rick Kaempfer was my executive producer for ten years. I’ve had marriages that didn’t last that long. By the end of our long run together, if Rick wasn’t with me in the studio, the show didn’t feel right to me. His co-author John Swanson is another producer I’ve gotten to know over the years. I’ve worked him on select occasions and I greatly respect his abilities. Just look at their collective resumes. In addition to working with me, the two of them have produced for the biggest radio stars in Chicago over the past twenty years, including Jonathon Brandmeier, Steve Dahl and Garry Meier, Kevin Matthews, Steve Cochran, and Eric and Kathy (John’s current job). If these guys tell you this is how to produce a radio show, this is how to produce a radio show. It’s as simple as that."



ERIC FERGUSON AND KATHY HART, Co-hosts of the Eric and Kathy Show on WTMX-Chicago.
"Rick and John have put together the 'must-have' producer handbook. Any success we've enjoyed can be directly attributable to guidance given in these pages."
--Eric

"A must have for anyone in the business or considering the business."
--Kathy



STEVE COCHRAN, Mid-day host on WGN Radio

"Read, learn, and do what's in this book and you will be prepared to do a great show everyday. You also will be able to take care of any lazy, no-good talent in the biz--not that I know anyone like that."




SPIKE MANTON, Radio personality, Playwright, and Comedian


"The first training manual for radio producers from someone who has done the job. Rick Kaempfer is the best producer in America. You can guess how to do the job, or you can read the book.”




DOBIE MAXWELL, Comedian and radio personality in four time zones

"This book is so dead on and packed with useful information that I think they ought to be made required reading by the FCC for anyone who buys a radio station. It's a great resource to have for anyone who is serious about winning in the radio game."



BOB DEARBORN, Legendary radio personality and programmer
"You're way too modest. This is no mere handbook. This is the Radio Producer's BIBLE! And it's not just for the novice producer. The book is an invaluable read for ANYone in radio who wants a better understanding of what it takes to succeed in today's highly competitive marketplace. Even old dogs like me who've been kickin' around this business for more than 40 years can learn new tricks from this excellent book."


TV & RADIO CRITICS

TED COX, TV & Radio critic, The Daily Herald

"Highly recommended for anyone with an interest in the industry."




ROBERT FEDER, TV & Radio Critic, The Chicago Sun-Times

"The definitive guide. The perfect primer."





PAIGE WISER, Columnist, The Chicago Sun-Times
"This book proves that there's no such thing as 'easy listening' on the radio -- at least not behind the scenes. But the authors show how this tricky business can be navigated with a minimum of difficulty (and a sense of humor)."



TELEVISION PERSONALITIES

BOB SIROTT, Anchor, WMAQ-TV, Channel 5 in Chicago.
"The complete and definitive manual on how to produce today's radio shows. In fact, radio and TV on-air personalities could learn a thing or two here as well. And I'm giving each of the producers of our television program this book too."


ANDY SHAW, News Reporter WLS-Television, Chicago
"A wonderful book by a couple of well respected Chicago radio producers. I've gotta tell you, it's the most interesting and best written technical manual you're likely to come across. "


RABBI DOUG of Chicagoland TV's: "TAPED with... Rabbi Doug"
"A clear explaination of the the radio industry behind the scenes, by two true professionls who really know the business!"




OTHER RADIO PRODUCERS, CURRENT AND FORMER


JIM WISER, Executive Producer of the Spike O'Dell Show, WGN Radio
"This is a book that should've been written years ago. It was well worth the wait."


JIMMY "Mac" McINERNEY, Production Director, 105.9 WCKG FM (Former producer of Kevin Matthews & Jonathon Brandmeier)
"After 16 straight years in 'The Biz,' I still actually find the info in the handbook indispensable. Real advice and scenarios from real radio professionals. If you are just entering the radio business, read this book. I teach broadcast students on the side and I make the book required reading. Many have used the information to propel themselves into a full time radio career...And then they recommend the book to their peers! Even if radio is not your desired profession, the stories and situations presented in this book make for interesting reading. A no-nonsense 'Behind the scenes' look at the radio business and a valuable source of education."


TOM SERITELLA, Long-time sports producer and programmer, WLUP, ESPN
"This is a true-to-life book written by a true-to-life producer(s). The ups and downs of producing radio are covered by two producers I'm proud to say taught me the meaning of work ethic, 100% accuracy and tolerance."


TOM SOCHOWSKI, Former producer WJMK, WCKG, ESPN.
"The most comprehensive book about how to become a successful producer in a major radio market. If you follow the advice in the book, success will follow you."





RADIO EXECUTIVES


GREG SOLK, VP of Programming for Bonneville Broadcasting
"Rick Kaempfer and John Swanson are at the top of a very short list of 'difference making' radio producers. In this book they give us the secrets to their considerable success, and it's my hope that it helps a whole new generation of radio producers create the kind of quality radio that Rick and John have been producing for the past twenty years."

DAN KELLY, Operations/Program Director, WMMQ-FM/WJIM-FM, Citadel/Lansing, MI
"I passed the book along to one of my “I’ve been through it all and know it all” morning air talents. After getting a cold stare from him he came back after a few days (just this last week) and thought it was one of the best morning show books ever written – and not only suggested additional copies for the other members of his show – but also copies for every air talent on the station. So this morning, I ordered another ten from Amazon – and when they arrive I’ll pass them out at an airstaff meeting - with the suggestion that if reading this book bores you, you ought to find a new line of work. Thanks for putting a great book together."


KIPPER McGEE, Program Director, WLS-Radio
"To have so much solid, useable info and helpful 'how-to' tips in one handy resource is invaluable. All the great war stories and examples by experience are an added plus. This book should be in every producer's arsenal."


LISA PIOVOSI, Marketing Director
"The Radio Producer's Handbook is fabulous! So informative, interesting, funny and easy to read. The book is of course great for people just starting to embark on their careers in radio, as they will learn a ton from the experience of the authors. But it's also great for those of us in the radio industry as well... I was in radio for five years and was completely entertained with the book.. and even learned some interesting tidbits along the way. A must read!"


LEN O'KELLY, WRLL Radio

"I've recommended the book to students I've worked with. It gives a very realistic picture of the radio industry - warts and all. There's valuable insight in it for seasoned pros as well."






OTHERS

RICK'S MOTHER (HILDEGARD) AND SISTER (CINDY), pictured here with Rick and brother Pete.


"I haven't read it."
--Hildegard


"I really should read that some time."
--Cindy





For more information about the Radio Producer's Handbook, there are several links on this page, including one to my publisher, one to the book at amazon, and another to the book at barnes & noble.