Half Empty: Middle Aged Road Trip

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.


Because tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of Elvis' death, we're re-running the piece about our recent trip to Memphis. We hope you enjoy it.




By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane Placko




Let us set the stage.

Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy’s road trip.

Of course, it wasn’t technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not “about four hours” away from Chicago.

Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…

*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated by security. Dane, a news reporter, had no idea that these were no longer allowed in carry-on bags. The airport security man was kind enough to pose for this picture with Dane’s confiscated items.


*In the airport, Dave bought three bagels. When the total came to $8.10, Dave asked if they offered a financing plan.


*Our first meal in Memphis (lunch) was memorable. When the waitress brought Dave’s lunch, she slammed it on the table and snapped—“YOUR PLATE BURNED MY HAND!”


*Dane and Dave were eager to go to Mississippi, just a few minutes away from Memphis, although they had very different reasons.
=Dane wanted to cross Mississippi off his state list. He now has been to every state but Alaska, Hawaii, Vermont, Texas, New Mexico and Oregon. Rick and Dave were just as impressed as you are.
=Dave, the same man that calls his mother every day and uses the parking brakes every single time he parks the car just like they taught him in Driver’s Ed, is actually a maniacal gambler, and knew that Mississippi has casinos.


*Rick and Dane walked around the casino looking at gamblers. Not one smile in the entire casino. Dave was one of the “happy” gamblers, sitting at the $5 blackjack table. Only the smallest bladder on the planet (or possibly an enlarged prostate) prevented him from remaining there to this day.


*While Rick attended his conference the following day, Dane & Dave went to Sun Studios and took the very cool tour there. That's Dane on the left standing in the exact spot Elvis recorded “That’s Alright Mama.” That's Dave on the right, proudly singing about getting the AAA discount even though his card had expired.


*Rick got home from the conference just in time to break up the fight between Dane and Dave. Dane wanted to go to the Cotton Museum. Dave said he would rather be poked in the eyes by Liza Minnelli.


*That night we explored Beale Street, the party center of Memphis. After an incredible BBQ dinner, we settled in at a blues bar. After one of Dave’s three trips to the bathroom, he claimed to have spotted Dennis Quaid. Rick and Dane would have been much more impressed by Randy Quaid.


*Next stop: Pat O’Briens. The Memphis version of the famous New Orleans nightspot is almost an exact duplicate of the original. A rock and roll cover band was playing Van Halen in the courtyard. Rick and Dave wandered out to listen. Dane yelled “This is too loud!” and went to the dueling piano bar to listen to the Billy Joel medley instead.


*After a night of drinking, we stopped in for a late night burger. After we ordered the burgers, Dane noticed they weren’t being made on a grill. They were being boiled in a vat of animal fat. Mmmm.


*The night came to end when Dave’s “throbbing headache” had to be relieved with a medication cocktail that included Tylenol and Ambien.



*The following morning, the three middle aged travelers went to Graceland, where we suddenly didn’t feel so old.





*Dave got a little cocky at Graceland. He tried to get the student discount with his University of Illinois student ID card from 1985. “1985 Dave” had a full head of hair. “2007 Dave” has a gray goatee, and a shiny polished dome. The cashier didn’t go for it. This is her reaction when we tried to take her picture.



*Rick was grumbling that there weren’t any new Graceland snow domes since his last visit, so he bought an Elvis/Nixon magnet instead. This is the geek by Elvis’ grave.



*Lunch at Corky’s was the best meal of the trip…an unbelievable BBQ pork meal. Dave went to the bathroom there twice. Dane told Dave that he would make a provision in his will donating his bladder to Dave.




*After lunch, Rick and Dave took a nap. Dane went to the Cotton Museum by himself. If you ever meet him, ask to see the video. He videotaped the experience on his cell-phone, but we couldn't figure out how to upload it here.




*Not wanting to go out drinking again, the boys settled on an excursion to Arkansas for their last night. It wasn’t until they arrived at the dog track that Dane & Rick realized why Dave was so excited about this…it was attached to a casino.



*If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas.


*Although...the bar was serving 20 ounce Michelob beers for 50 cents a piece. Rick had three dollars in his pocket and a song in his heart.





*Dane picked the winners of the first two dog races. After that, not so much. This is Dane tearing up his betting slips.




*Dave got in a poker game, and was one $250 pot away from losing everything. When he didn’t lose the hand, he got out, and didn’t return. Although, he did stop at the video poker machines on his way back from his second bathroom trip.



*The night ended when Rick got heartburn. He bought Pepto Bismol in the hotel gift shop…at the nicer hotel next door.




*The next morning when we checked out of the hotel, Dave asked the clerk to name the most famous person who ever stayed at their hotel. She said: “The tall guy from the TV show ‘Martin’ had his family reunion here.” Top that.


So, was our middle aged road trip fun? I know it might not sound like it, but we had a great time. Will we do it again? Probably.

Next time, though, Dave is getting a catheter.

Suburban Man: The Behavior Board

By Rick Kaempfer



I don't want to alarm anyone by being too positive, but this has actually been a pretty good summer for my family.

No broken bones.

Lots of quality time with the boys.

But most importantly, the number of fights in my house have decreased ten fold over the previous two summers. How have I achieved this miracle?

You may remember my solution for the constant fighting the past few years: The Fight Board. The Fight Board's modest goal was to have less than 50 fights for a summer. Unfortunately, this proved to be an unattainable goal. The best we did the last two years was 110 fights.

This year I decided not to bring back the fight board. I decided that the fight board had a few flaws. For one thing, Johnny was the one in the middle of every fight--so really I was punishing all three boys for the sins of one. For another thing, it was mainly a negative reinforcement tool...very short on incentives for positive behavior.

So this year, I adapted it slightly. The fight board was dismissed and replaced by the behavior board. I scanned it here so you could take a look at it.


















The behavior board* works the same way as the fight board in one way. Bad behavior is still punished by receiving a mark on the board. This year, however, it wasn't only fighting that received a mark. This year, I expanded the infractions so that it affected each boy equally. Sean had become a whiner...he whined whenever he didn't get his way. Tommy had become an incredibly bad listener...I had to say the same thing to him up to ten times before he heard me. So, whining and bad listening were added to the sins that merited a mark on the behavior board.

That way I was working on all three boys, not just Johnny. But since Johnny's infractions are always more severe (and potentially injury-causing or life-threatening), I added a caveat to the fighting punishment.

This year if the boys could go an entire day without fighting, I promised to eliminate ten marks from the board. That, combined with the punishment (More than ten marks on the board at any time means they can't use any electronics in the house including computer, video games, television, iPod, etc), did the trick.

The fighting has almost completely stopped. Oh sure there was that one time when Johnny slammed Sean's head into the car door because he wanted to get in the car first (I'm sure Mario Andretti was the same way as a child), and there was that other time that Johnny punched Tommy after he lost a game of chess (I'm sure Bobby Fisher was the same way), but the incidents that used to be a daily occurance in the old fight board days have all but disappeared.

When Johnny gets that look in his eyes, I remind him that he is blowing his chance to get ten marks taken off the board. If this doesn't slow down the rampaging stallion, his brothers step in to talk sense to him. Johnny has learned to go in his room, close the door, and blow off steam without injuring someone.

Sean's whining has also gotten muuuuuuuuch better. If the number of marks on the board is anywhere near ten, all I have to do is point at the board when he starts whining, and the whining ends immediately. Tommy is even listening better...although let's face it, this is a handy tool, but it's not a miracle worker. He's probably not actually listening better, he just has more than one person telling him things now. His brothers make sure he does what he's supposed to do when Dad starts getting that "this is the fifth time I'm telling you" tone in my voice.

I'll take it.

It might not work for you, but the behavior board has made this the best summer of my stay-at-home-Dad career. And that's good enough for me.



*Sean is in charge of crossing off the ten marks on days they don't fight. As you can tell, he likes colorful markers.

Celebrity Snippets: Joan Collins

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”




Joan Collins is probably most famous for her role as Alexis in the 1980s television series "Dynasty".




To me, the most memorable interviews aren’t the great ones. They’re the terrible ones.

Whenever I think of the worst interviews I’ve ever been associated with in my career, there’s one name that always comes to mind first: Joan Collins.

In the mid-90s, one of the big radio syndicators was experimenting with offering satellite interviews from New York. The idea was that a celebrity could sit in a radio studio, and do ten minute interviews in virtually every major market, and it would sound as if they were in the studio with each host.

The radio stations liked the idea because the sound quality was better than phone interviews. On the other hand, the split second satellite delay had a tendency to throw off the timing of the interviews. The host and guest often talked over each other, stopping and starting sentences; waiting for the other to continue. (You’ve probably seen the same phenomenon in satellite television interviews. Annoying, isn’t it?)

If only that was the problem with the Joan Collins interview.

Joan Collins arrived for her morning interviews with freshly done hair, and she made it known to the producers in New York that she absolutely would not wear headphones. I could hear the negotiations over the satellite as we prepared for the interview. The producers told her that she wouldn’t be able to hear the questions without her headphones, but she wouldn’t budge from her demands.

Instead of telling her she had no choice, they decided to rig up a tiny speaker so that she could hear the questions without mussing her hair.

Unluckily for us, we were the first interview.

As soon as John Landecker asked her a question, we heard the feedback. When she tried to answer the questions, we heard feedback. When we tried to play an audio clip of the movie she was promoting, we heard feedback. It had been going on for about a minute, but it seemed like an hour. It was horrible radio.

John finally said to her, “Listen, lady, you’re gonna have to put on your headphones and turn off that speaker. This is ridiculous.”

When she wouldn’t do it, John ended the interview.

We went to a commercial break, and listened in on the satellite to hear what she was saying about the interview to the people in New York. The first thing we heard her say was: “Well, he was a rude little bastard, wasn’t he?”

Yeah, Joan.

John was the rude one.






This story (and scores of others) can also be found in my first book “The Radio Producer’s Handbook,” which is still available at amazon.com

Suburban Man: Performance Food

By Rick Kaempfer





Until recently, it’s been nearly impossible to find a restaurant that all three of my boys will enjoy.

Johnny loves pizza, but his brothers don’t. Sean & Johnny love German food (any kind of sausage), and Tommy won’t touch it. Tommy likes Mexican food, but his brothers can’t stand it. Johnny likes Chinese food, but his brothers scream at the mere mention of it. Sean and Johnny will tolerate (fried) seafood, but Tommy would rather eat dirt.

There are exactly two establishments on our list of restaurants acceptable to all three boys: McDonald’s and Burger King. (And yes, I realize it’s a stretch to call either one a restaurant). Even with these two, an argument is bound to ensue. Tommy & Johnny prefer Burger King. Sean prefers McDonald’s.

Needless to say, we don’t go out much.

So when Bridget told me she wanted to go out to dinner for her birthday this year, and she claimed to have a bold new plan to get the boys to eat at a respectable restaurant, I checked her temperature.

“So where do you want to go?” I asked.

“Benihana.”

“Japanese food?” I asked, picturing a scene to end all scenes.

“They’ll love it,” she said. “When those chefs start chopping the food and flipping it in the air, the boys will be enthralled.”

It sounded good, but I’ve been burned too many times with other “good” ideas. I sat through the painful dinner at the restaurant with the playground. (“Can I go play now? Can I go play now? Can I go play now?”). I spent $70 for the right to watch the boys hold their ears in front of untouched plates at the unbelievably loud Rainforest Café. I choked down the worst hamburger of all-time just so the boys could watch a little choo-choo train deliver the dinner they didn’t eat at the Choo-Choo diner. This sounded like another one of those “good” ideas.

But it was Bridget’s birthday, so I went along with it.

This time, Bridget was right. From the first moment the chef starting chopping and catching the food in his hat, the boys were on the edge of their seats. When the chef refused to continue the show unless the boys ate the meat in front of them, they dug right in.

“Is this shrimp?” Johnny asked.

I thought about lying, but I nodded instead.

“I love it!” he screamed.

That even got Tommy to taste it. I almost fell off my chair. By the end of the dinner, all three boys had eaten food they never would have touched, and all of them loved it.

The following week we were on our way to visit my brother in Michigan and the traffic in Chicago was terrible. Bridget suggested we get off the highway and grab some dinner in Greek Town.

Again, I paused.

“Greek food?” I asked.

“They’ll love it,” she said. “We can get them Saganaki.”

“I’m not eating that,” Tommy whined.

I raised my eyebrows at her, remembering the success we experienced at Benihana.

“OK,” I said. “Greek Town it is!”

The whining ended the second we walked into the restaurant. A waiter walked by, screamed “Oopa”, and set a plate of cheese on fire. The flame actually touched the ceiling of the dining room.

“WOW!” Tommy yelped.

That night, for the first time since we became parents, all five of us ordered real food at a real restaurant and ate a real meal like real people. No kids menu. No chicken fingers. No complaining.

See that light at the end of the tunnel there?

I’m starting to believe that I actually might get my life back some day.

Celebrity Snippets: Walter Payton

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”






Walter Payton was one of the greatest football players of all-time; a member of the NFL Hall of Fame. When he retired in 1987 he held the record for most rushing yards in NFL History. If he were still alive, he would have turned 53 years old this week.






Walter Payton was simply my all-time favorite football player. Growing up in Chicago as a Bears fan, there was no one even close.

I didn’t actually meet him in person, however, until a few years after he retired from the game. It was 1993, and our radio station (WJMK) was doing a remote broadcast from Carson’s, a large (since departed) department store in downtown Chicago. The sponsored remote was to promote the new line of throwback football jerseys for sale, and three all-time NFL greats were on hand to sign autographs; Dick Butkus, Ray Nitschke, and Walter Payton.

We were excited about the possibilities about doing a show with these three guys, but discovered quickly that it was going to be a little different than we were told. The players made it quite clear to us that they didn’t consider participating in a radio show part of their paid appearance. As far as they were concerned, they were strictly there to sign autographs.

Every time John Landecker put the microphone in front of them, he got nothing. Dick Butkus was particularly nasty about it. He looked like he was going to punch John. Ray Nitschke, who had previously been on our show and seemed to be a pretty cooperative guy under other circumstances, merely grunted, or gave one or two word answers to John’s questions.

Walter Payton treated the appearance of the microphone as an excuse to pinch John. It got a good laugh in the store, but it wasn’t exactly spellbinding radio. In fact, we were beginning to think this was going to go down as one of our all-time worst broadcasts.

Luckily, just as were about to throw in the towel, John noticed that while the Sam Cooke song “Bring it on home” was playing on the radio, Walter Payton was singing along.

John grabbed his live microphone, and said. “Stop the music. Stop it for a second.”

The board operator back at the station did as he was told. John continued. “Good. Now start the Sam Cooke song again. This time we’ve got a special treat for you. This time Sam Cooke will be accompanied on lead vocals by Chicago Bears Hall of Famer Walter Payton.”

The song started again, and sure enough, Walter Payton grabbed the microphone from John and really got into it, belting out Sam Cooke with all of his heart.

He got a standing ovation in the store, but more importantly for us, his singing went out over the airwaves.

It was such a big hit, in fact, we eventually released Walter’s version of the song on our sixth Landecker & the Legends CD, 20th Century Hits and Bits.

Half Empty: More Fun with Passive-Aggressive Behavior

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.






By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern






A few weeks ago we gave you some tips for how to annoy your boss by using passive aggressive behavior. That inspired the following e-mail...

Dear Rick and Dave,

I really enjoyed your column about aggravating your boss. The problem is, I’m only at work 40 – 50 hours a week, how can I needle other people in my down time? –B

We’re glad you asked, B. Since neither of us work in a traditional office setting anymore, we have been forced to hone our passive-aggressive skills elsewhere. Here are a few:

-The cashier
When paying, give them odd amounts of currency. For example, if the bill comes to $7.89 give them $13.62. It’s great fun watching their brows furrow as they punch the figure into the cash register. Then be very deliberate and slow counting your change. Not only will you aggravate them, but the people behind you too, it’s win-win.

-Secondary users of your vehicle
If you’re married, chances are that from time to time you will share vehicles. Wives, if you know that your husband will drive your car next, move the seat as close to the dashboard as possible. Also, move all the mirrors in bizarre and ridiculous positions. Take it from us, we absolutely LOVE spending ten minutes adjusting everything. Also, leave zero gas in the car, that’s a real nice touch. And last but not least, find the classic rock station and turn the radio up as far as it can go.

-Blockbuster Clerks
They are trained to say hello to every single person that walks through the door in the most annoyingly cheerful way possible. The next time they do, stop to say hello and have a fifteen minute conversation with them about the most trivial topic you can imagine. For instance...

Them: Hi, welcome to Blockbuster.

You: Hey how ya doing? Is that a new vest you guys are wearing? What’s it made of? Polyester? You know polyester is Synthetic resin formed by the condensation of polyhydric alcohols (alcohols containing more than one hydroxyl group) with dibasic acids (acids containing two replaceable hydrogen atoms). Polyesters are thermosetting plastics, used for constructional plastics and, with glass fibre added as reinforcement, they are used in car bodies and boat hulls. Polyester is also a major synthetic fibre used for knitting or weaving fabrics which are strong but lightweight, and resist creasing but can be heat-set into pleats. Polyester is often mixed with other fibres and can be found in a wide range of different textiles.

-Cab Drivers
When stopped behind a cabbie at a stop light, get ready to honk your horn the nano-second the light turns green. When in front of a cabbie, stop your vehicle and check your oil in front of them.

-People that stay in the hotel room after you
Set all the alarm clocks to 4:30 AM. Hide the remote. Make all the pictures in the room a little crooked. Above all, don’t stay in the same hotels we do.

-Moms at the carnival
Go to one of those rickety carnivals in a strip-mall parking lot. Find a mom who is watching her child on one of the scariest rides. Without her seeing, put a couple of big gears and screws on the ground in front of the ride. Finally, innocuously point them out to her. The fun won’t stop as she screams in horror and pleads with the toothless carny worker to stop the ride.

Finally, write a blog entry with absolutely no social or intellectual value and watch hundreds of people waste their time reading it.

Mean, yes. But oh so fun.

Suburban Man: The Interactive Billboard

By Rick Kaempfer







I will be sending the following e-mail to some people in my e-mail address book this week. I thought you might appreciate the way my children are rallying to their dad's side to help sell my book "$everance."

I've probably already told you about my satirical novel (“$everance”) that explains who and what really runs the media, but you’d be surprised how difficult it is to get the word out in the media about a book that exposes the truth about the media…

Some authors faced with such a seemingly insurmountable dilemma and an advertising budget of zero, might be deterred or overwhelmed. Not me.

I’ve created the world’s first truly interactive billboard.


I know this looks like a very fancy billboard, but it’s really just my three sons facing a blank wall, waiting for someone to walk by and look at it. When someone does, this amazing billboard “comes to life.”

The first boy turns around and says: “Severance is available at www.encpress.com”

The second boy turns around and says: “It’s only $16 if you order right now.”

And the third boy is supposed to turn around and say, "That's a heck of a deal for a "hysterical critique of corporate morality" that is "told with the keen insight of an industry insider", and is, take your pick: "laugh out loud funny", "yeah, that funny", "brilliant satire", "great, funny, sarcastic, and thought-provoking" or "whiplash-fast choke-on-your-coffee funny"."

(All actual quotes from actual reviews. See them all here: Praise for $everance)

Unfortunately, he's only 4, and he usually says "Dad, this is stupid."

I suppose I could try another way. I could ask people to help spread the word by forwarding this e-mail to people who may enjoy the book. Or I could ask people to suggest "$everance" for their book clubs. Or I could just ask people to help rescue these children from the humiliating experience by spending a measly $16 right now by clicking here (www.encpress.com)

Or.... the boy could learn his lines and deliver them with feeling. What are they teaching these kids in pre-school these days?

Maybe we'll see you this summer. The boys and I will be traveling around the country looking for blank walls that are just screaming for an interactive billboard. With any luck, I'll sell enough books to allow them to go back to school in the fall.

If not, acquiring the salesmanship skills and street smarts this project will teach them will more than make up for what they miss in 6th grade, 4th grade, and pre-Kindergarten, respectively. Don't you think?

Celebrity Snippets: Minnie Minoso

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”




Minnie Minoso was one of the all-time greatest Chicago White Sox players. He set a major league record in 1980 when Bill Veeck brought him back for two at-bats, allowing him to have played in the major leagues in 5 different decades (40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s).




During this baseball All-Star week, it only seems fitting to write about my encounters with a former All-Star--former White Sox great Minnie Minoso.

Minoso was the center of controversy last year when a special Hall of Fame committee decided that he was not qualified to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. This caused quite a bit of outrage amongst White Sox fans (and several baseball historians), because it was probably Minoso's final chance to get in the Hall.

I've met Minnie many times over the years. He lives in Chicago, and every time I called him up and asked him to appear at one of the John Landecker Show's live broadcasts, he happily agreed. He would show up with a pile of promo pictures and patiently autograph them for anyone who wanted one. He is a heck of a guy.

Now if you've ever heard Minnie speak, you know that his English is very shaky--even after living here for more than fifty years. (He was supposedly the inspiration for the SNL character who always said "Baseball has been berry berry good to me.") So why would we have someone who could barely speak the language on our radio program? Well, the event we invited him to every year was our annual Mini-Golf fund raiser. We invited several local celebrities to participate, but Minnie was always our star attraction. Bob Sirott from "Fox Thing in the Morning" always sent over a TV crew to simulcast Minnie's portion of our show. Why? Same joke every year.

Bob: Is that Minnie Minoso there, John?
John: Let me ask him. What's your name?
Minnie: Minnie Minoso.
John: What are you playing?
Minnie: Mini-Golf.

Here's a picture from our first tournament. Standing from left: John Landecker, White Sox organist Nancy Faust, Santa Claus, WJMK afternoon man Scott Miller, Sidekick Vicki Truax and her daughter Teddi, Barry Newman (singer from the Crests), Radio hall of famer Larry Lujack, Carl Giamarese (singer from the Buckinghams), Minnie Minoso, Late sportscaster Tim Weigel, Ronnie Rice (singer from the New Colony Six), Elvis, and Ronald McDonald (This was a benefit for Ronald McDonald House). Kneeling in front holding the sign: Rick Kaempfer & WJMK Promotions Director Michelle Dirks.

I'm not qualified to render an opinion about whether or not Minoso belongs in the baseball Hall of Fame, but I will say this...

Minnie has been berry berry good to me.

Suburban Man: Annoying Dad

By Rick Kaempfer








I get a fair amount of e-mails from readers, but I usually answer them one-on-one. The following e-mail, however, had to be shared in a public forum. My sons insisted.

Rick,
Your Suburban Man column about taking the boys to the city was precious. I hope they appreciate what a fun dad they have.
Mary

I printed out the e-mail and showed it to Tommy, and he couldn't believe it. He said: "Didn't she read my guest blog from last Father's Day?"

I'm guessing she didn't. He has graciously allowed me to reprint a portion of it here.

I’m going to give you my top five most annoying things about Dad.

5. Dad does this ‘short-term memory’ thing that drives me crazy. Once he thought I was my brother, Johnny. “Well, hello, Johnny.”
“Daaaad...”
“Johnny, cut it out.”
“Daaaaaaaaad, I’m TOMMY.”
“Don’t be silly.” I ran off to Johnny to show him.
“This is Johnny.”
“You’re getting weird, Johnny. That’s Tommy.”
I don’t EVER want that to happen again.

4. Og. I just can’t take this anymore. Once I told Dad that his jokes were twice as old as him. He took that as a challenge. The very next day, he gave me a smelly joke about Calvin Coolidge. “I guess Mr. Coolidge was a pretty calm guy,” I remarked after the joke. “That’s the point of the joke,” he replied. I heard quite a few VERY weird jokes that day. I haven’t really heard much of his ‘new material’ again.

3. This thing Dad has done for the last 10 (that’s how old I am, for your information) years has annoyed me for life. He says the lyrics of songs that I think s t i n k.

2. This is pretty much the same as 3, but he SINGS the songs instead.

1 (Tie). This has tortured me for a lifetime. First of all, when I don’t want to get up in the morning, he threatens to use the “Pinching Machine” or to tickle. The Pinching Machine is his own hands, of course. The Pinching Machine always will get me out of bed.

1 (Tie). Dad’s voices. The worst is his voice of Grover. We used to have a punishment system when he would hear me talking with Johnny at night. First warning, he would take away our teddy bears. A second time, there would be no Nintendo DS. Third, someone would go upstairs in Mom’s and his room. Fourth, (although impossible), Dad would sing all the songs on his iPod as Grover. I’ve hated the Grover (and technically, Yoda) voice since I was 4 or 5.

So now you know what makes me say “daaaaaaaaaad”. Here he comes right now. He says he ate my Nintendo for lunch. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

Then I showed Mary's e-mail to Johnny and Sean.

"Don't you think Mary is right?" I asked.

They laughed.

"Daaad," Johnny said. "You're annoying."

"Annoying how?" I asked. Johnny and Sean answered in rapid fire fashion, almost without breathing to pause.

"When you pitch, you throw it at my head."

"Stoink is not a word, Dad, and it's not my name."

"I hate your Goofy voice."

"You tackle and tickle and pinch"

"Your 'forever hugs' are annoying, when you say that you'll hug me so long that I'll have to bring you with me to school, and we'll still be hugging when I get married unless I say the passwords."

"And you change the passwords. That's no fair."

"Whoa," I said. "Hold it right there. That's totally unfair. There are only two passwords, and you know both of them."

Johnny said one of them: "Go Cubs."

And Sean rolled his eyes as he said the other one: "Dad looks so young."

Hmmm.

Does that answer your question, Mary? Let's just say that "Fun" and "Dad" are never uttered in the same sentence in my house.

Although...that could be the new password.

Suburban Man: Field Trip Friday

By Rick Kaempfer

(Photos by Tommy Kaempfer)



Last summer we experimented with the concept of doing field trips every week to enjoy the culture of Chicago. It didn’t work out.

This year I scaled back the plans. No more museums (unless all three boys want to go), and no more full-day excursions (dad isn’t getting any younger).

So, with those new rules in mind, we dipped our toes back into the summer field trip waters.


The train

The boys were shocked when I agreed to take the train into the city. I always prefer driving because of the additional flexibility, but I could see they really wanted to do it, so I relented.

Unfortunately the train was packed, so we all had to sit in one double seat—and I feared this was a sign of things to come. Each boy wanted to sit by the window, and the whining had already commenced, when Tommy shocked me.

“Why don’t we take turns?” he suggested. “Each of us can have the seat for two train stops at a time, and then we rotate.”

Of course, Tommy had already looked at the train schedule, and figured out the number of stops. If he went first, he knew he would get the window twice, and the other two would only get it once. He looked at me, waiting for me to make it completely fair.

I didn’t drop a dime on him, and the other two never noticed.


Millennium Park


Our first stop was free—the beautiful Millennium Park along Lake Michigan. Sean (age 4) loved the big Crown fountain spewing water at unsuspecting tourists. He pranced and splashed in the water with a huge smile on his face. Tommy (age 11) loved it too. He snapped pictures and enjoyed the mist in the air taking the edge off a hot summer day.




Johnny (age 9) wasn’t impressed. He expected a park…with slides and monkey bars and see-saws. As soon as we arrived he started demanding that we explore the rest of the park, looking for the playground. I knew that Millennium Park didn’t have one, so I directed us toward the next best thing…the gigantic mirrored bean. It was a huge hit. We probably stayed there for thirty minutes, looking at it from every angle, taking pictures, and looking at the strange reflections. We would still be there if Sean’s tummy didn’t start talking to him.

“I’m hungry, Dad, I’m hungry.”


McDonald’s

We had walked by a McDonald’s on our way from the train station to Millennium Park, so the boys all wanted to eat lunch there. Normally, I just say no to that question out of reflex. Not today…today we ingested the grease and liked it.

In the middle of lunch two construction workers sat down at the table next to us. They took off their helmets to expose their bandana-covered heads. Sean nearly leapt out of his seat with excitement.

“Dad!” he yelped. “LOOK! PIRATES!”




Sears Tower





Despite having lived in Chicago for most of my life, I don’t think I had ever been to the Observation Deck at the Sears Tower. So, when Johnny suggested we go there, and I could see that it was just few blocks away, I shocked all three boys with my answer.

“Sure,” I said. “What the heck.”

I gulped when I saw the prices ($9.50 for kids, $12 for adults), but I had already said yes, so I bit my tongue and shelled out the $40+. Tommy looked at my facial expression while I was paying and said: “Dad, you won’t regret this. It will be worth it, I promise.”

I began to agree with him when they showed us a movie about the history of the Sears Tower, and all three boys were captivated. And I definitely agreed with him when I saw all three boys bounding toward the windows of the observation deck, mouths agape. Granted, my heart almost stopped when Sean smashed into the window, but those windows proved to be 4-year-old-proof.

Tommy even took this amazing photo of our first stop of the day: Millennium Park.















Back Home Again

When we returned home around 3:30, after another crowded train ride, something truly amazing happened.

Each of them, one by one, thanked me for taking them on such a wonderful field trip. Nobody had prompted or nagged them to do it either.

I guess you know what that means.

Field Trip Friday is here to stay.

Media professionals sound off on $everance

I wanted to thank everyone who has been so kind about my new novel "$everance." It is getting excellent reviews and notices across the country, particularly from media professionals who would know whether or not this portrays an accurate picture of the current media landscape.

Listen to what they have to say...









"I think it’s a great, funny, sarcastic, entertaining and thought provoking book…that really shows how broadcasting has changed over the last few years.”
--Rock and Roll Hall of Famer John Records Landecker
WZZN Radio





"It's about time somebody told this story. $everance certainly captured the world of radio, warts and all."
--Legendary broadcaster Clark Weber









"Other than 'love', 'Severance' is the sweetest word in the English language. This really made me laugh."
--WGN Radio's Steve Cochran





"Told with the keen insight of a veteran insider, it's a humorous indictment of an industry that has lost all sense of purpose -- except for making money, of course."
--Chicago Sun Times media columnist Robert Feder




"A hysterical critique of corporate morality"
--Chicago Tribune's RedEye Columnist and WGN-TV Morning News Anchor Larry Potash




"I was with it the whole way, and I love the appended real life figures at the end. I enjoyed the hell out of $everance."
--The Beachwood Reporter's Steve Rhodes


"Brilliant satire! I got a paper cut from the sarcasm. I wish I could say it was great fiction, but having worked in radio, I think it’s just really funny non-fiction. The reality in between the laughs will scare the hell out of you."
--Longtime radio personality and playwright Spike Manton






"I thought this novel was just going to be an amusing story about radio. But the way Kaempfer has woven in elements of all media and politics is masterful, to say nothing of insightful, and frequently laugh-out-loud funny! It’s a brilliant first entry. I can't wait for his next page-turner!"
--Legendary broadcaster and programmer Bob Dearborn






"$everance is a comical, suspenseful, thought-provoking novel about the frightening realities of corporate media in America. Kaempfer writes with ease, quickly drawing the reader in to the satirical-yet oddly realistic-world he's created. This one is tough to put down-a delightful page-turner!"
--Julia Perla, Managing Editor, Shore Magazine





"Too bad Zagorski (the main character) is fictional. Today's media could use someone like him to shake things up. He's the personification of fairness with just enough wicked cynicism to make him completely irresistible. The thought that a team like Zagorski and Lawrence might actually exist should make some big bosses more than a little uneasy."
--Leslie Keiling, WGN Radio



"Rick Kaempfer’s “$everence” is whiplash-fast, choke-on-your-coffee funny, and ultimately frightening. Kaempfer has seen it all in the radio business, and has some dire predictions for the rest of the media, too. It’s the summer’s must-discuss beach read – and probably a sign of the apocalypse."
--Paige Wiser, Chicago Sun-Times columnist




"I laughed out loud many times while reading it - yeah, it's that funny! If you work in the radio business you'll love the inside view of the industry and if you're not in the media you will certainly learn a lot of eye-opening trade secrets."
--Cara Carriveau




"I began laughing almost immediately! The first paragraph alone made me feel like I was back at my first radio job trying to avoid doing anything remotely near the station’s break room! I absolutely LOVE the book! The plot twists and turns were totally unpredictable!"
--Darren Marlar, "Marlar in the Morning", 101-QFL


"As funny as this book is, $everance is a must read for anyone who cares about the state of radio and the media in general. The more ridiculous the plot gets, the more one realizes that it's probably the closest to the truth about what comes out of our radios, tvs and newspapers every day! Kaempfer has done his homework and manages to weave a delightful tale questioning the terrifying possibilities of truth for sale."
---Jeanne Ashley, Star 102 KCKC, Kansas City




"Richard Kaempfer has peeled the lid off your favorite radio station and shown what's inside. $everance turns the radio business on its head and makes you laugh out loud, but it also asks some tough questions. A great read!"
--Reed Pence, Media Tracks




"Got this book and read it in one sitting. Fantastic. I'm realizing that I worked with - and for - most of the characters in this book!"
--Len O'Kelly, WFGR Morning Host







"It's a ripe satire that rips the media giants a new one. Kaempfer throws his rocks with a keen insight."
--Jeff Hoover, WGN-TV Morning News






"A fast moving read that gives the reader insight into the fast moving radio industry; Kaempfer folds the reality of the business with the ridiculous...which is more often than not, the reality of the business!"
--Andi Kuhn, longtime radio personality





"Severance may be a novel – but the storyline it presents is a very realistic – albeit extreme look at the corporate media world – written as only an industry insider could do."
--Dan Kelley, longtime radio programmer

Half Empty: Giving Back to our University

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.





By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





As university graduates, we are constantly bombarded by our alma mater with phone and mail requests to contribute money to the cause of higher learning.

This year we’re going to contribute something even better. If modern day students are anything like we were, they will appreciate these gifts far more than money. A box will be arriving in Champaign-Urbana shortly with the following items...

Our Smith Corona
You’ve probably heard about Rick’s “Portrait of an Artist who uses run-on sentences” English 106 paper or Dave’s “The bells are ringing, Pavlov” Psych 100 paper. We can’t give you the reports themselves because that would encourage plagiarism. We can, however, donate the typewriter that punched out those magical “A+” papers one letter, backspace, whiteout, blow on the whiteout, type the correct letter, at a time.

Our Albums
Between the two of us we’ve accumulated over 1000 albums. In this collection of albums with the corner cut out and giant letters “WPGU” written on them (a tribute to our college radio station), you’ll find everything from the hot new releases like The Thompson Twins and Kajagoogoo to classic hits by The Beatles and The Who. We wish we could be there to see the kids put those gems on their turntables and crank the quadraphonic sound! Since there aren’t enough for everyone, however, please record them on cassette so the rest of the kids can listen to them on their walkmans.

Our Textbooks
College textbooks are ridiculously expensive (except, of course, Rick’s book “The Radio Producer’s Handbook” which is available at amazon.com for a measly $19.95). Well, don’t worry kids, because each of us has a whole boxful of textbooks that we’re willing to donate to the cause of higher learning. Whether you enjoy Rick’s political science book about the Soviet Union and Yugoslavia or Dave’s astronomy book about the last planet Pluto, the knowledge on those pages is timeless…and for the first time, FREE!

Our Movies
College isn’t just about studying and learning. With all of that pressure to succeed, college kids need to blow off a little steam too. Enjoy one of the great slasher flicks from our big box of beta video movies. Trust us; Jamie Lee Curtis has never looked better. Rick will also throw in his entire (laserdisc) movie collection acquired in the years shortly after college. Those babies are digital.

Free Computer Gear
The cost of this nickel and dime computer gear adds up, doesn’t it? A box of 5-inch floppy discs here, a Lotus and/or DOS manual there, and before you know it, you don’t have any money left over for quarter beer night. We still have loads of this stuff, and we’re happy to donate it to the university. As a special tip for you advertising students…look through that box of floppy discs closely. One of them is labeled “Ad-Plan” and will show you how advertising on “Moonlighting” and “Knight Rider,” while creating point-of-purchase displays for K-Mart and Woolworth, will give your client the most bang for the buck.

We know that contributing all of this priceless stuff is a tad on the “overly-generous” side. It’s just who we are. We’re givers. If this stuff can help just one kid enjoy the kind of college life we enjoyed, that’s all the thanks we need.

Meet Rick Kaempfer

Come on out tonight to the Shore Magazine Summer Solstice at Custom Imports (17648 U.S. 12 in New Buffalo, MI). I'll be there enjoying the amazing food, sparkling beverages, piano music, and fire dancing. I'll also be autographing copies of my novel $everance, and saying hello to whoever wants to say hi. I promise I won't be wearing the trenchcoat.

For more information about this cool summer soiree (tickets are only $10),...click here

Suburban Man: Camping

By Rick Kaempfer






How crazy is it that I went camping? When a friend of mine called me up the day before we left, and I told him where we were going, he laughed out loud, long and hard. When he finally finished laughing twenty to thirty seconds later, I let him know I wasn’t kidding.

“Did you suffer some sort of a head injury?” he asked.

That’s how crazy it was.

Camping is a combination all of the things I least enjoy in the world (insects, allergies, and manual labor) without any of the things I most enjoy in the world (television, air conditioning, and running water).

The idea of camping voluntarily was patently absurd. That’s probably why my wife Bridget knew she would have to do a heck of a sales job on me to get me to agree to go camping with the Cub Scouts.

“Some of the scout families are going camping next month,” she told me gingerly.

“That’s nice,” I said.

“They volunteered to lend us all the gear we’d need,” she added, “and they’ll even help us set it all up.”

That’s when I looked up at her. “Oh no”

“Don’t just say no,” she pleaded. “All of the families going on this trip are lots of fun, it’s only about an hour away, and it’s not an officially sanctioned Cub Scout event.”

That last part of her argument paused my “no” in mid-‘n’. “What does that mean exactly?”

“That means we can bring beer.”

Hmmm.

I looked at her pleading expression and realized how important this must have been to even suggest such an outlandish concept to a man who once considered adding “indoorsman” to his business cards.

“OK,” I sighed. “What the heck, let’s give it a shot.”

And that first night of camping was great.

I got to know the other parents as we had a few beers by the campfire, and Bridget was absolutely right about them. They were a lot of fun. Nobody was judging my lack of skills around the campsite (Bridget must have thoroughly briefed them), and everybody was helpful and encouraging. I didn’t even mind sleeping in the tent that first night. I slept like a rock, and so did the rest of my family.

The next day, however, was a slightly different story.

When one of the other families suggested going on a hike through the woods first thing in the morning, I figured this was a good chance to prove my good attitude. I agreed.

The highlight of the hike was when Sean wandered into the long grass. When he came out, he was covered head to toe with ticks. The other parents helped me pick off each individual tick from the squirming 4-year old. That’s when we noticed that the rest of us (including two dogs) also had ticks on us.

That put a bit of a damper on the hike.

The good news was that we had at least done something productive with our day. I figured we could go back to camp, fix a late lunch, and then get ready for another fun night around the campfire. I don’t wear a watch, so I asked another dad what time it was.

“It’s 9:45.”

That’s 9:45 am.

It was too hot to take a nap, too early to have a beer, and too unfriendly to read a book, so I did my best to pass the time the rest of this 37-hour-day.

I picked ticks off people. I played games with the kids. I listened to the Cubs game on the radio…the entire game…all nine innings. And I kept waiting…waiting…waiting…for dinnertime/campfire/refreshments time.

That’s when it started pouring rain.

After the rain started, the temperature dropped thirty degrees or more. We needed the fire to stay warm, but if we sat by the fire we got soaked. So, we sat in our tents, snuggled in our sleeping bags, put on sweatshirts and long pants and knit caps, and went to sleep.

On the ride back home I asked the boys, who had been complaining about everything all weekend long, how they liked camping. I thought I had set this up perfectly. The boys would say they hated it, and I would get the credit for trying it without complaining. The boys apparently didn’t get the memo.

“It was great!” Tommy said.

“Loved it!” Johnny said.

“Can we do it again, Dad?” Sean asked.

Bridget just smiled.

Press for Severance

(Have you gotten your copy yet? Click here: www.encpress.com)

Severance merchandise is now available too. You simply must purchase one of these fashionable items: Severance Goodies

I still have quite a few interviews coming soon (July is going to be a very busy month), but thanks to the following people and publications for helping me spread the word about "$everance" so far...






John Records Landecker and Shore Magazine

Robert Feder and the Chicago Sun Times

Larry Potash and the Chicago Tribune

Ted Cox and The Daily Herald (article no longer available on-line)

Cara's Basement (PODCAST)

Steve Cochran and WGN Radio (Podcast not yet available online)

The Stan & Terry Show on WCKG (Podcast Now Available Here)

AllAccess.com

"The Ministry of Truth" radio show on WHPK 88.5 FM (Podcast Now Available Here)

Scripps Journalism School at Ohio University

Crow On Chicago

Chicagoland Radio & Media

Dan Kelley's Classic Rock FM

Chicago Radio & TV

Dave Martin's N=1

Larry Shannon’s RadioDailyNews

The Beachwood Reporter

The Illinois Entertainer

Willyritch.com

Chicago Media Action

Radio-Info.com

Dave Stern and "Half Empty"

Suburban Man

SHORE Magazine

The Illini Media Alumni Club

Bob Dearborn’s RadioNotes (Subscription only)