Worst. Name. Ever.

This guy really played in the majors during the 1930s and 1940s, including two seasons with the White Sox. He jokingly referred to himself as "the ugliest man in baseball," but I'm guessing there was something else about him that was slightly more notorious.

There's more info about him here.


He wasn't too bad of a player, actually. In 1945 he hit .302 for the Sox.

Todd Wellemeyer?

The Cubs signed Todd Wellemeyer yesterday to a $800,000 contract.

You may remember Todd as a hard throwing reliever that had a hard time throwing strikes when he came up with the Cubs in 2003. He has since turned into a hard throwing starter that has a hard time throwing strikes.

The Giants released him last August.

Joke for a Wednesday morning

Contributed by "MM"...



Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Jaguar dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

101 Dalmatians

The movie was released exactly 50 years ago today. (Watch the original trailer here)

I loved this movie when I was a kid, but I showed it to my kids when they were younger, and they didn't much care for it.

I guess they don't all stand the test of time.

Happy Birthday Jack

If he were still with us, Jack Brickhouse would be celebrating his 95th birthday today.

Here's a video of Jack talking about his all-time favorite Cub...

The Citadel natives are getting restless

The New York Times has an article today about Citadel Broadcasting.

Shareholders are getting upset with the Citadel board for not considering recent offers to purchase the company.

Why?

They think the board is doing it merely to protect "ineffective" Farid Suleman, the man that drove the company into bankruptcy but still somehow remains their CEO.

I'm not a Citadel shareholder, but I would feel exactly the same way.

The 5 worst contracts in baseball

USA Today came up with a list of the five worst contracts in baseball. Contracts that are so bad, their teams have no hope of trading those players.

Two of them are Cubs.

And a third one used to be.

See the list here.

Father Knows Nothing

My latest Father Knows Nothing column has been posted at NWI Parent. This one is called "Disbelieving Youth" and its about the only story I've told my children that truly shocked them.

You can read it here.

Chicago Radio Spotlight: Ron Riley

After a two month hiatus, Chicago Radio Spotlight is back.

This week I go back to the 1960s to interview WLS Radio legend Ron Riley. Lots of cool stories about a truly memorable time in Chicago history.

You can read it here.

Application to become a Packers Fan

"SR" sent me this link.

It's very mean, but very funny.

It's a PDF, so it may take a second to load.

More Deep Thoughts

Not sure of the origin of these. They arrived in my e-mail box from "BN"...




1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK..... So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a.. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed and prostitutes delayed?
*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. ! What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

Middle Aged Road Trip, The Sequel

Regular readers of this blog may remember a column I wrote a few years ago, about a middle aged road trip to Memphis with my college buddies. We enjoyed that experience so much, we decided to do another middle aged road trip last weekend.

The excuse: Our buddy Dane's 50th birthday. Destination: Milwaukee. Number of intrepid middle-aged road trippers: 6. Cast of characters: Dane, Rick, Mike, Scott, Jeff and Dave.

It went a little something like this...

*When Dave sent out the itinerary for the weekend, he estimated pick up time for Rick at 4:42 PM. The car arrived four minutes early, but only because it left four minutes early.

*When we checked into our hotel in Milwaukee, the clerk surveyed the giddy expressions on our faces and asked: "Weekend with the guys?"

*We gathered in the lobby after freshening up, and noticed that Dave was wearing a sweater that Bill Cosby wouldn't have worn. It's almost impossible to describe. Imagine that "The Grimace" had his chest cut out, bleached lavender, and shaped into a sweater.

*Rick was excited to live the authentic Milwaukee German experience. Sure enough, the waiter and waitress at the two German restaurants we visited both had authentic accents. Unfortunately, the accent at Mader's was Australian, and the one at the Hofbrauhaus was Russian.

*Dane had his heart set on an authentic Wisconsin fish fry, and we went to a great one. But he probably wasn't thrilled when his "friends" had the German oompah band sing "Happy Birthday" to him, and wish him a happy 60th. He couldn't help but notice that nobody said "Wait a minute, you can't possibly be 60."

*We knew we were really in Wisconsin at the fish fry when we heard our first "Cripes!" of the weekend.

*Dave was so offended that the rest of us were giving him such a hard time about his sweater, he asked a woman at Mader's what she thought. Her response: "Did someone make that for you?"

*Every pig in Wisconsin was on alert all weekend. Scott ordered a sausage platter at every stop. The rest of us helped him eat it, but only out of concern for his health.

*At one neighborhood tavern we decided it would be fun to scrounge up birthday kisses for Dane. The plan was immediately scrapped when the first two women we saw had mustaches.

*One of our final stops of the first night was Lucille's piano bar not too far from our hotel. Rick and Mike couldn't stop watching the guy in the front row that looked like Kid Rock. This flannel-wearing long-haired trucker was fighting back tears during a Billy Joel medley.

*The pianists also serenaded Dane for his *ahem* 60th birthday. Of course, since it was a piano bar, they made Dane get up on stage as they sang to him. They rewrote the lyrics to "The Sounds of Silence." The first words were; "Hello Penis, my old friend..."

*Back at the hotel bar, Rick and Jeff ordered a scotch for what they thought would be a nightcap. Instead, what they were served was more like a nightsombrero; filled with enough scotch to kill Braveheart. Of course, even Braveheart would have been smart enough not to drink all of it.

*Dave and Scott started making small talk with the people sitting at the bar, and discovered we were hanging out with the entire crew from the Monster Truck show. They were very friendly. Before long they had offered to run over Dave's sweater with a Monster Truck--free of charge.

*It wasn't until someone mentioned it was 2 am, that the intrepid road trippers finally hit the sack. Of course, at 10 am breakfast, we were no longer intrepid--we were decrepit. If Snow White was there, she would have called us "foggy", "slurry", "pukey", "gassy", "chunky" and "maybe I really am 60."

*Breakfast was eaten in almost complete silence. A few were not feeling well enough to eat. Scott ordered sausage. Dave broke the silence with a monologue featuring vivid descriptions of his bowel movements.

*At the end of breakfast, Dane asked what everybody wanted to do. The consensus was clear: Naptime.

*Dave and Scott really wanted to go to the casino after our naps, so we agreed to go for two hours maximum. While Dave and Scott sat at the poker table,  Dane found a $10 slot machine, inserted his twenty, pressed the button twice, won $100, and called it a day. (Happy 60th birthday!)

*Interesting loophole in Wisconsin law: it's illegal to smoke inside a bar or restaurant, but it's legal to smoke inside a Native American casino. We were all outraged (outraged!) at the politically incorrect joke about the reason for this loophole ("So the casino owners could send smoke signals").

*On Saturday night we went to a Packers bar to watch the Packers playoff game against the Falcons. Jeff ordered brat shots. You read that right. Brat shots. Shot glasses filled with sliced bratwurst.

*Dave made the mistake of telling one of the drunks at the next table that we were from Chicago. The drunk (then drunker, then drunkest) Packer fan spent the rest of the night coming over to our table, putting his arm around one of us, and saying "I tell you what, that Packers-Bears game is gonna be somethin'"

*On the opening kickoff, one of the Packers fans actually screamed: "SPEAR HIM!"

*The drunks at the table next to us knocked over their entire table, not once, but twice; providing a refreshing beer bath to the tables around them.

*The bar owner was feeling generous. He said there would be free shots to everyone in the house for every Packers touchdown. The Packers scored SIX touchdowns. The unidentified green and/or yellow shots may have provided a helping hand in the table knockdowns.

*After the sixth free Packer shot was passed out, we left the bar before our Packer friend passed out on us. The intrepid road trippers were back at the hotel by 10:30.

*There was a wedding in our hotel that night and one of the wedding guests rode up the elevator with us. He said: "How about that football game, huh?" Dave said, "Actually we're from Chicago." The guest said: "So am I. F*** the Packers."

*The last morning we met for breakfast again. This time, after a good night's sleep, we were almost back to normal. Jeff looked at the menu and said: "I don't think I've had a vegetable since Friday."

*The Packer hype was already reaching a fever pitch. The Milwaukee Sentinel sports headline screamed: "You want a piece of this?" The name of the writer that wrote that column? I kid you not: Mike Hunt. Look it up.

*We stopped at the Brat Stop in Kenosha on the way back to Chicago to watch the Bears-Seahawks game. How does one describe the Brat Stop? Maybe this will help paint a picture. Someone had already "lost their lunch" in a urinal, and it was noon. Mind you, this urinal was two feet away from a sink, and five feet away from an actual toilet, and someone was so loaded they lost it in the urinal. That, my friends, is the Brat Stop.

*Scott ordered the sausage sampler platter, then upon discovering how tasty one of the sausages was, ordered more sausage. One for the (burp) road.

*When we got back to Chicago we all immediately checked into rehab. We should be out in time for the Bears-Packers game on Sunday. "I tell you what, that Bears-Packers game is gonna be somethin'"

Punch a Packer Person Polka

This is a little ditty I wrote several years ago for Landecker & the Legends, but it certainly works again this week.

It's called: "Punch a Packer Person Polka"

Is it just me, or are the Packer fans obnoxiously cocky this year?

Deep thoughts

Not sure exactly what the origin of this is, but I received it in my e-mail box from "AH"...



Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

30 years ago today...

...Ronald Reagan was inaugurated.



The hostages in Iran were released on the same day.

50 years ago today...

...JFK was inaugurated.

LBJ orders pants

You heard the audio last year.

This year, enjoy the video.

It's very funny.

And yes, it really is LBJ.

Cubs trade Gorzelanny to Washington

Chicago's take on it is here.

Washington's take on it is here.

The Reader's Digest version is that the Cubs got three minor-league prospects in return, the best of which was rated as the National's 18th best prospect.

Will this be a good deal for the Cubs? I'm looking at it this way--At least they got some young talent to help replenish the minor league system that had been severely depleted by the Matt Garza trade.

People will come Ray

James Earl Jones hasn't emerged from the cornfields yet, but if he came out today, he'd be turning 80 years old (just like Don Zimmer, see below).

This is one of my all-time favorite movie scenes...

Happy Birthday Popeye

Don Zimmer is 80 years old today.

We've written about Don Zimmer's days as a Cubs player, and his days as a Cubs manager, and his nickname at Just One Bad Century.

He'll always be one of our favorites.

What the World Needs Now

I like to post this every year on Martin Luther King day. It's a record that was put together and released by a Detroit DJ named Tom Clay in the early 1970s, and it's inspired by the rash of assassinations we endured as a country in the l960s, including the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr.

Will the Cubs be throwing at Theriot?

Ryan Theriot's sin, in case you missed it, was saying that he's "finally on the right side of the rivalry" now that he's with the Cardinals. Cubs backup catcher Koyie Hill sure made it sound like the Cubs are upset and may throw at Theriot when they face him this year.

The story is here.

I personally think Hill was overreacting and/or playing to the Cubs convention crowd. They won't throw at Theriot. They shouldn't either. What was he supposed to say when he came to St. Louis? I wish I was still a Cub? C'mon.

Don't get me wrong--I didn't like hearing it either--but I don't really think Theriot has any animosity toward Chicago. He was just trying to get Cardinals fans to accept him.

Pee Wee on SNL

Father Knows Nothing

I just posted my latest Father Knows Nothing column at NWI Parent. This one is called "The Tooth Fairy Interrogation" and it's about my youngest son Sean's attempt at discovering whether or not the tooth fairy exists.

You can read it here.

Middle Aged Road Trip

My buddy Dane is turning 50 this weekend, so six of us (all college friends) are taking a road trip up to Milwaukee to celebrate with him.

The itinerary has been set. Tonight we'll help out at the soup kitchen and deliver meals on wheels to elderly shut ins. Then tomorrow we'll do what we used to do in college. We'll go to the library, read some philosophy, then have coffee and chat about the meaning of life until the wee hours of the morning.

Then Sunday we'll be spending the entire day in church.

And that, your honor, was what we had every intention of doing before we drove by the first brewery. Who knew that Milwaukee had so much beer?

Skyjack DUI

This is one of the funniest arrest videos I've ever seen. Thanks to "DM" for sending it to me...

The Bionic Woman

The television show "The Bionic Woman" debuted exactly thirty five years ago today. I was living in Germany then, and it was also a big hit there. Think about it. Why wouldn't the Germans love it? She was Blonde. Aryan. Strong. Fast. Her inefficiencies had been replaced by machines.

This show might as well have been made for the German audience...

Ryno moves on

Dan McGrath of the Chicago News Operative scored one of the first in-depth interviews with Ryne Sandberg since he became part of the Phillies organization.

It sounds like he's still upset, but I really don't think he's bitter.

At least I hope not.

My blackberry isn't working

This made me laugh out loud several times. Very clever...

The Cubs in High School

Despite my ridiculous Cubs fanaticism (or maybe because of it), one of my boys is not a big baseball fan. He doesn't hate it. He's just completely indifferent to the sport.

I'll give you a great example of how indifferent he is. Yesterday after he came home from school we were discussing his upcoming finals, and working out a study schedule, when I asked him about his 8th period class.

"Oh," he said. "We didn't have that class today. There was a pep assembly."

"For what?" I asked.

"The Cubs were there."

"The what?"

"The Chicago Cubs," he said. "I guess their manager went to my high school."

I stared at him to see if he was just messing with me, but he wasn't.

"Mike Quade was there?"

"Yeah, that's the guy. And he brought a bunch of players too. I only recognized a few of their names. Sean Marshall was there. Koyie Hill. And a bunch of other guys."

"Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"I don't know," he said. "I didn't think it was important."

That's my oldest son, the 15 year old. He's right, of course, it's not important in the big scheme of things.

I just provide this anecdote as Exhibit A: Sometimes the apple actually does fall far from the tree. And in this case--that's a good thing.

Speaking Nonsense

I'm not even sure why this made me laugh, but it definitely did...

Batman

The television show "Batman" premiered on this day in 1966, exactly 45 years ago. I loved this show. I'm pretty sure I've seen every episode.

They took the reruns off the air briefly in the 70s because of the violence (I kid you not). Of course, nobody believed it was real violence for a second. I was five and didn't speak English that well, and even I knew it was cartoon violence.

I still remember vividly the first time I saw the show on a color television. (We didn't have one yet). It was like an explosion of color.

The entire debut episode is on YouTube. If you've got 25 minutes to waste (or you're looking for an excuse to waste it), here it is...

All in the Family

Forty years ago today "All in the Family" aired for the first time. That first episode contained a historic television moment: the first toilet flush.

We never missed the show in my house because the characters reminded us of real people (unlike most shows on TV). Plus it was hilarious.

This is the first time Archie met Meathead...

The Cubs Convention

After much worrying about attendance, the Cubs convention has sold out again after all. The big draws are two of the newest Cubs: Carlos Pena and Matt Garza.

They'll both be there.

Once again, I will not. I have to go out of town this weekend. But if I would have been in town, I would have considered going this year. It could be pretty emotional. I'm sure they'll be doing some sort of tribute for Santo.

Father Knows Nothing

I've been getting a bunch of e-mails about my Father Knows Nothing site being down, and I couldn't figure out what the problem was until this morning.

It's not down, they just changed the link. If you bookmarked the previous link, that doesn't work anymore. NWI Parent redesigned the website, and now the current link is this: http://nwitimes.com/app/parent/blogs/fatherknowsnothing

All of the links on my other blogs directing you to Father Knows Nothing are now fixed too.

Please feel free to bookmark it again.

This week's column is about a near death experience on my most recent ski trip.

E-mails, we get e-mails

"RS" writes...

"Rick, has anyone ever mentioned that actor Jason Segel looks like you? That is my opinion."

Hmmm. No, can't say that anyone has. I just looked up his birthday, and he was born in 1980. Was he born in Germany? Maybe I'm his dad.

Hilarious Golf Movie

This made me laugh out loud...

Jokes for a Monday morning

Contributed by "AH"....

Highlights from the Hollywood Squares



Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Father Knows Nothing

My latest "Father Knows Nothing" column has been posted at NWI Parent. This one is about my recent ski trip with the boys. I call it "Radar for Danger."

You can read it here.

Matt Garza

The Cubs made a trade to acquire a pretty darn good starting pitcher: Tampa's Matt Garza. Garza has been pretty good the past few years, he's only 27, and he's affordable. It's true that he has been a little inconsistent, but he also has the potential to be great (he's already thrown a no-hitter).

What do you think?

Phil Rogers of the Tribune isn't a fan of the deal, because they gave up an awful lot to get him (4 highly rated prospects and Sam Fuld). Bruce Levine of ESPN thinks the high price was worth it.

I think it's a little early to judge this. To those Cub fans (and Phil) that are outraged (and I'm hearing from you already), keep in mind that Cubs minor league prospects are never as good as we think they are (remember "can't miss" Corey Patterson and Felix Pie?).

The Homeless DJ reunites with his mom

The Conservative Constitution of the United States

I'm not accustomed to finding humor in the pages of the Washington Post, but this surely qualifies: The Conservative Constitution of the United States of America.

Pretty funny in light of the events of this past week.

I'm sure someone can (and will) write a liberal version that is just as snarky.

Parallel Parking Mule

Very impressive, but I'd like to see him do it with the car (or mule) behind him honking impatiently...

Neologism

These were sent to me by "MM," who says they're from the Washington Post (although I couldn't find a link). Nevertheless, they're good. (My favorite is #13)

Neologism means alternate definitions of real words...

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Lee Smith

Once again Lee Smith only received about 45 percent of the Hall of Fame vote. Why is the former all-time saves leader getting so little consideration?

George Castle tackled that in his column yesterday, and I think he nailed it.

The 2011 Hall of Fame Class

The news just came across the wires. Blyleven and Alomar are both in the Hall of Fame.

Roberto Alomar got 90% of the vote. He was quite simply the best second baseman since Ryne Sandberg.

Bert Blyleven got 79% of the vote. He was a dominant pitcher for the Minnesota Twins.

Congrats to both new members. They totally deserve it. Although I have to admit, the HOF voting is starting to make me feel old. I had Alomar on my Fantasy Team when he was a rookie.

A Deep Thought

I was watching the show "Parenthood" last night on NBC (that's a good show, by the way), and one of the characters was struggling with her controlling behavior over her husband. Her sister had a great observation: "Why don't you control your controlling behavior?"

Anyone that deals with people that have control issues must have smiled when they heard that line. Nicely done, writers of "Parenthood." Nicely done.

Cubs fan gets prison time

Remember the story of the Cubs fan that got into a fight with his (former) brother in law (and Sox fan) at a party? He kicked the Sox fan in the face, and the Sox fan lost his eye in the fight. The Cubs fan lost his freedom yesterday. He was sentenced to three years in prison.

Every Cubs fan in Chicago with White Sox fan friends will be hearing about this for the rest of our lives. Thanks a lot, pal.

The Lord giveth (White Sox shirtless father/son team that beat up first base coach during game), and the Lord taketh away (Prison-bound Eye kicker).

Thin Lizzy

From Bob Dearborn's Olde Disc Jockey Almanac today...

January 4, 1986…Bass guitarist/singer/songwriter (The Boys Are Back In Town) Phil Lynott, lead vocalist of Thin Lizzy, died of internal abscesses, pneumonia, septicaemia and multiple organ failure brought on by his drug dependency at age 36.

Always liked these guys. I got into them in high school in Germany, but by the time Lynott died 25 years ago today, I had moved on. Now that I'm a "grown up," I've reverted. I have a ridiculously large Thin Lizzy collection on my iPod, including of course this one...

Wonderland by Night

He was a German bandleader named Bert Kaempfert, and though I think his music is unbelievably schmaltzy, I appreciate his contributions for two important reasons. #1--He was instrumental (pun intented) in the early success of the Beatles (while they were in Germany.) #2--People over a certain age can actually spell my name correctly (without the "t" at the end) because of him.

This song was the #1 song in America exactly fifty years ago today...

Stars pitch smokes

This is the 40th anniversary of the last TV cigarette ad, so I've been going back and looking at some of the classic ads. Here are a few from the 50s and 60s pitched by the stars of the day...

Danny Thomas


Dick Van Dyke and friends


Lucy and Desi


Fred and Barney


Jack Benny and Humphrey Bogart

Cigarette Ads

Forty years ago this week cigarette ads on television were officially banned. 40 years later they're really odd to watch. This one was one of the last ones on the air...

D-Lee goes to Baltimore

The Orioles have become Cubbie-East ever since Andy MacPhail arrived there, and now they've added another ex-Cub: Derrek Lee.

Add him to the list that includes Sammy Sosa, Corey Patterson, Felix Pie, Rich Hill, and Jake Fox. (Only Fox and Pie are still on the 40-man roster)

Kaempfer's Tody Tyrant

The bird that bears my last name has had a rough go of it in Brazil. A few days ago it was officially put on the endangered species list along with six other Brazilian birds.

The Kaempfer's tody-tyrant is a small olive-green bird and is a member of the flycatcher family. It is endemic to the Atlantic Forest biome and inhabits well-shaded edges of forests that are typically near rivers. Population estimates put the species at between 9,000 and 18,500 individuals, and it is believed to be declining.

Please pray for Kaempfer's Tody Tyrant.

(And yes, that will be my radio name if I ever return to the airwaves)

Cubs programming note

I got this e-mail from the MLB network about a Cubs program on television tonight...

"MLB's 20 Greatest Games debuts January 3 at 8pm ET on MLB Network and the Chicago Cubs are featured in our 20th-ranked game. The series is hosted by Bob Costas and Tom Verducci, who count down the top 20 games of the last 50 seasons. Each game will be revealed every Monday starting at 8pm ET from January 3 through the month February."

I checked out the list of potential Cubs games that might make this program (they have the nominations on their website), and it will be one of the following...

*Sept 9, 1965 versus the Dodgers. (I've previously written about that game here)

*May 17, 1979 versus the Phillies (My buddy Dane Placko was there, and told the story to JOBC readers)

*June 23, 1984 versus the Cardinals (I was there and told the story to JOBC readers)

*October 7, 1984 versus the Padres. (Don't discuss that game around me)

*October 14, 2003 versus the Marlins (Yes, that's right, the Bartman game. This is the video of poor Bartman being escorted out.)

I guess I don't need to point out that the Cubs are only the winners in one of those games. But before you get all "Hey--what about the homer-in-the-gloamin'" on me, remember that these are just the best games during the television era.

For the Cubs that didn't start until 1946. The year after their last pennant win.

Merry Christmas!

I'm going to take a little while off from the blog for Christmas, but I wanted to thank all of you for participating and reading the blog this year. More than a million of you did, which is still hard for me to believe.

Have a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year!

I'll be back on January 2nd or 3rd.

Not my kid

This video has gone viral because it makes us all feel a little better about our own kids. Although, if I'm going to be honest, we did have a similar reaction to underwear under the tree once about ten years ago...

The digital story of the Nativity

Nearly 5 million views on YouTube for this one...

Cubs taking a pass on Brandon Webb

At least according to this source.

To which, I say: Good move.

$7 million for a pitcher that hasn't pitched in two years is way too much money. Let the Rangers have him.

The search for Santo's replacement

The Tribune Company actually posted the position on their website. It says: "Preferred candidate will have played with the Chicago Cubs — or played major league baseball with previous broadcast experience as a game analyst."

In his column today, Paul Sullivan lists the candidates that would fit that description: Mark Grace, Rick Sutcliffe, Dan Plesac, Eric Karros, Gary Matthews and Mitch Williams.

I'd add Keith Moreland and Dave Otto to the list too.

My top choice would be Suttcliffe, though I think he won't take the gig because he has a pretty sweet gig with ESPN. My second choice is Plesac. He's actually quite good.

Grandma reads 50 Cent's Tweets

If you're easily offended, don't click on this one. There's a little salty language. But I thought it was pretty darn funny...

A Christmas message from Snoop Dogg

And a commercial for Pepsi Max. But it's a pretty good one...

Jokes for a Hump Day morning

I got this from multiple sources. Thanks to all of you...

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following.This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary,

Thank you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of sending me a message. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity..
Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Who should replace Santo?

I have my choice.

He's the one pictured here at this ESPN article about the possibilities.

A unique Christmas wish

This one has more than a million views on YouTube...

Sarah Palin Christmas Song

This is the handiwork of Tom Latourette, the singer of our Just One Bad Century song. He was also a frequent contributor to the Johnny B Showgram on the Loop. His latest comedic target is Sarah...

RIP Phil Cavarretta

Phil Cavarretta died yesterday in Georgia at the age of 94.

For twenty years Phil was the face of the Cubs. He was a Chicago boy (Lane Tech), started playing for the Cubs as a teenager in the mid 30s, was the MVP of the league during their last pennant winning season of 1945, and played with them until he was fired during spring training of 1954 (he was also the manager at the time).

With Phil's passing only two players remain from that last Cubs World Series team. Lennie Merullo will be 93 this year. Andy Pafko will be 90.

Father Knows Nothing

I just posted my latest Father Knows Nothing column at NWI Parent. This week's column contains the secret to happiness. It's called "Saving another life through shtick."

You can read it here.