Guest Columnist: Dave Stern*
A few weeks ago, Dave and his wife Michelle welcomed the arrival of twin girls; Julia and Ehren. Mother and daughters are healthy. Dave, on the other hand, is asking that any attorneys out there help him draw up the divorce papers for when his wife reads this heartwarming column…
What About Us
Have you ever had a situation where you knew you were going to be misunderstood even before you uttered a single word? Even though there was no doubt in your mind that you would spend the rest of the evening, week or even your life trying to explain what you had really meant to the offended parties yet you foolishly continued? Where there was the overwhelming possibility that you would be labeled “petty” and “small” but that didn’t stop you from speaking your mind? Well there is no need for me to be put in that awkward position so if you’re a woman please stop reading and go watch Oprah or something.
Wow, even I didn’t see that one coming.
So here it goes. Let’s start by saying that the birth of my children has been the greatest experience of my life. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without the joy of fatherhood. I won’t bore you with the typical weepy Alan Alda esque stuff but you get the picture.
Yet it can be very hard and grueling. Any father knows that it can be the most tiring and exhaustive endeavor one can undertake. Walking around in a sleep-deprived haze is the M.O. of today’s father. Yet selflessly we continue on and do the best we can. The rewards almost always outweigh the pain and we carry on. And that’s just during labor.
First off, it often starts in the middle of the night. Even though most men are already pretty tired by the end of the pregnancy (since their wives have been keeping them up with their incessant restlessness for the last 4 weeks or so) it still would be nice if started at a decent hour.
Second, most hospitals have lousy (and expensive) parking. Why do all the doctors get the good spaces? Mark our words you’ll park in section ZZ, which incidentally is a cruel reminder of what you wish you were doing. The hike from the car wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t have to bring the not yet born child’s wardrobe for the next 4 years.
Thirdly, it’s really bright in those delivery rooms. Quite frankly it made both of us nauseous. Maybe there wouldn’t be such a health care crisis if hospitals were a little more frugal when it comes to electricity. The high-pitched hum form those fluorescent lights ain’t no picnic either.
Fourthly, you are constantly tempted to turn on the delivery room television yet you know you can’t. It’s widely accepted that the onset of labor is related to the phases of the moon, but I think it’s related to really really important sporting events. In fact, one of my friends had a delivery room with TIVO. Now that’s friggin cruel.
Fifthly, especially if it’s your first, it can take an unbelievably long time. And get this - you’re standing for much of it. Thankfully you get a break every five hours so you can go to the vending machine and enjoy a couple of packs of those peanut butter crackers.
And finally, when you call your family and friends after the labor they always ask, “How’s momma and baby doing”. Would it kill them to ask how Dad is doing? Something like, “Gosh 23 hours, you must be really tired” sure would go a long way. A late arriving sports score wouldn’t be unappreciated either.
So send the emails, leave the voicemails and mail the letters. I’m ready for the criticism that will undoubtedly blitzkrieg my way. (Although remember, this is Rick’s blog, not mine). I’ll just utter those four wonderful words that absolves us poor shlubs from all wrong doing.
“I was just kidding.”
Seriously I was joking.
No really, I was just having some fun..
Umm……I’m really really sorry.
*Dave is the co-author of the upcoming book “The Bald Handbook,” and is also one of the co-owners of A.M.I.S.H Chicago Advertising www.amishchicago.com . Here is a more complete bio…scroll down the page after you hit this link. A.M.I.S.H staff bios
