By Rick Kaempfer
News and Views
*The Alito Hearings
WASHINGTON—Senate Hearings on Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito begin next week and both sides are revving up for a nasty battle.
=That’s nice, but what I really want to know is this: Has Jay Leno introduced the Dancing Alito’s yet? If he hasn't, somebody let him know. He can send me a check later.
*Jack Abramoff, part one
WASHINGTON--Congressional lobbyist Jack Abramoff pleaded guilty on Tuesday to corruption, fraud, conspiracy, and tax evasion. One of the charges claims that he created phony charities to launder contributions to members of Congress. Congressmen who have been given money by Abramoff (there are 60!) are falling over themselves to give the money to charity; including Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, who received $100,000.
=This is my favorite part of the story. All of these politicians who got money from phony charities are making restitutions by...giving the money to charity. Sometimes jokes write themselves.
=This scandal is so perfect that even the names of the implicated Congressmen (Delay & Doolittle) describe Congress perfectly.
*Jack Abramoff, part two
WASHINGTON--Disgraced Lobbyist Jack Abramoff arrived at court on Tuesday wearing a fedora and trenchcoat. His friends confide that he is a fan of the movie "The Godfather" and "constantly quoted lines from it."
=Of course, part of his plea agreement says that he will be testifying against half of Washington. "It was an offer he couldn't refuse."
=When he was arrested, the FBI agent whispered "I know it was you, Fredo."
*Jack Abramoff, part three
FLORIDA--When he arrived in Florida to plead guilty to further fraud charges on Wednesday, the fedora was gone, only to be replaced by a beige baseball cap.
=I wore that exact same cap and suit combo last time I went to the monster truck show in Beverly Hills.
*New Rings Found Around Uranus
LOS ANGELES (AP)--Astronomers aided by the Hubble Space Telescope have spied two more rings encircling Uranus, the first additions to the planet’s ring system in nearly two decades.
=Look up in the sky and say this to anyone standing near you…”Is that a ring around Uranus?”
=This is a picture of how my boys react every time I tell them that joke.
*Naked in a freezing lake for good health BERLIN (Reuters) - Saying ice cold water is good for their health, a group of about 30 naked Germans jumped together into a Berlin lake for their annual swim Sunday.
=Ice cold Germans? This explains so much.
=P.S--I’m German. I’m allowed to say that.
*Free Booze helps homeless drunks
TORONTO (Reuters) - Giving homeless alcoholics a regular supply of booze may improve their health and their behaviour, the Canadian Medical Association Journal said in a study published on Tuesday.
=The same is true of suburban Dads. Let's do a study.
*Lynn Swann running for Pennsylvania Governor
PITTSBURGH (AP)--Throwing his symbolic "Hall of Fame" hat into the ring, former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Lynn Swann announced this week that he is running for Governor of Pennsylvania.
=Hmmm. His credentials do sound a little familiar. Attended USC. College & Pro Football Hall of Fame. NFL and College Football Broadcaster. Bit parts in a handful of movies. I can't place it...
=Oh yeah.
*Cost of stamps rise
WASHINGTON--Starting next week the cost of sending a letter will go from 37 cents to 39 cents.
=Start working on your "39" multiplication tables. Let's see, 39, 78, uh...where's the calculator?
=Why do I think the next time they raise it, they'll raise it to 41 or 43 instead of a nice even number? This is a math-teacher plot. How many times do I have to apologize for that D I got in Trig?
*Feds Trying New Weapon in War on Terror: Smalltalk(Gannett News Service) The Transportation Security Administration plans to train screeners at 40 major airports next year to pick out possible terrorists by engaging travelers in casual conversation to detect whether a person appears nervous or evasive and needs extra scrutiny. This new technique is already in use in Chicago, New York and Washington.
=I've gotten my hands on the small-talk manuals for each city.
=Chicago: "Man, can you believe this weather?"
=New York: "What are you looking at?"
=Washington: "Hey there home phone number 555-2276, I totally agree with what you were saying to home phone number 555-7256 at 12:38 p.m. the other day."
(Note to Feds: That was just a joke. Please don't start monitoring my calls.)
*Schools Get PG Version of Clinton
WASHINGTON (AP) Seven years after he was impeached in a scandal of sex, perjury, and bitter politics, President Clinton has beome a fixture in major high school texts. In McDougal Littel's "The Americans," a high school text, the topic merits two paragraphs but doesn't get into any of the saucier details because it's not appropriate for children.
=C'mon, this isn't so hard. I can sum it up in one PG sentence: "He saw London, he saw France, he saw too many underpants."
=I know, I know, that's two potty jokes in one column. Give me a break. My audience for the last year has been 10, 7 and 3. I need to warm up a little.
*Letterman & Bill O'Reilly spar
(NEW YORK)--Bill O'Reilly was a guest on David Letterman's show this week and the two men verbally sparred. Among the comments from Letterman; "I may not be smart enough to debate you point by point, but I'm guessing about 60% of what you say is crap."
=But to be fair, that also means 40% is not crap. By TV standards, that's pretty respectable.
*Jeff Reardon robs jewelry store
PALM BEACH GARDENS, Fla. (AP) - Jeff Reardon, one of the top relief pitchers in history, blamed medication for depression after his arrest for a jewelry store robbery.Police said last week that the 50-year-old Reardon, retired since 1994 and sixth in career saves, walked into Hamilton Jewelers at the Gardens Mall on Monday and handed an employee a note saying he had a gun and the store was being robbed.
=He always did have a pretty good pick off move.
=The note said “One is for fastball. Two is for slider. Three is for “I’ve got a gun and the store is being robbed.” He shook off the clerk twice before she flashed him a three.
=Uh, Jeff, that’s the wrong kind of diamond.
=His defense was that Rafael Palmeiro lent him his medication for the day, and he had no way of knowing what the syringe contained.
*Sean Lennon's personal ad
(NEW YORK)--John Lennon's son, Sean, announced to the NY Post last week that he is looking for a mate. He has pretty specific requirements, however. His ideal mate "must have an IQ above 130, must be truthful, must have a kind heart, and must be born female."
=I already had the phone in my hand until I read that last requirement. Picky, picky, picky.
*Pete Townshend makes big announcement
LONDON--Pete Townshend of The Who says the band will be touring this year in support of a new album due in June 2006.
=If it were me, I'd name the album..."Who's Left"
=I got a list of the new song titles: "My grandson's Generation", "I can see for feet", "Pine box", "Tommy I can't hear you", and "Who are You? No, I really mean it. Who are you?"
=Mocking aside...Those of you still in the biz remember your good buddy Rick when the free tickets arrive.
*Sir Tom Jones
LONDON (AP)-- Tom Jones, the big voiced singer from Wales, was among the new knights of the realm in the New Year's list of honors. Jones, 65, joins a group of previous pop-rock knights including Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Mick Jagger, Sir Elton John, Sir George Martin (the Beatles producer), and Sir Cliff Richard.
=Cliff Richard? What about Keith Richards? That's a ceremony I wouldn't miss.
=For the Tom Jones ceremony, the Queen will forgo the usual tapping of the shoulders with her royal sword and will instead toss her royal undergarmets at Jones. (For those of you who don't know...that's what his fans do at his concerts).
=OK, that's three juvenile jokes. No underpants next week--I promise.
Reader Response
The Good:
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--J
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--B
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--D
“Enjoyed your articles, especially one on big toys. Nicely done.”
--J
"Now we'll never get anything done at work."
--B
"Looking forward to stealing your stuff."
--B
"The 'Trying to Be Best Dad' article is wonderful."
--C
The Bad:
"You self-promoting SOB."
--J
"Goofy Picture."
--M
"Do you have a chatroom for men who enjoy leather?"
--J
(Rick replies: Guilty, guilty, not yet.)
This week in “Severance”
*I’m working with my editor on editing my novel about media consolidation, bias, and politics. The novel is called “Severance.” Although any similarity to real people and events are completely coincidental, other people who have read these specific chapters I'm working on right now have mentioned that Sumner Redstone, Mary Matalin, and Celine Dion won’t like them. I’m not sure why.
*Whenever I find articles that have information about the current state of the media business (which is, after all, the inspiration for my novel), I will provide links for them here.
http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlDC/stinky_fish/ethics_lesson_29965.asp
http://www.nypost.com/business/60406.htm
http://www.suntimes.com/output/business/cst-fin-fitz03.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/03/AR2006010301589_pf.html
