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MEDICAL SMALL TALK
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
When Rick mentioned an awkward small talk conversation he had with his urologist during his vasectomy procedure (Steve & Garry notebook), he was a little surprised at the reaction it received.
Apparently, this sort of thing happens to just about everyone. It may occur during vasectomies, but it happens at other equally embarrassing moments.
This column is for our friends in the medical profession. We know you do this sort of work every day so it’s no big deal to you. It’s only natural to lose sight of the fact that there are times when small talk is not appropriate.
We’re writing this as a gentle reminder.
A loyal reader (who begged us not to use his name) sent this to us. It’s his recollection (he called it a transcript) of a recent visit to the doctor’s office. He was there for a routine prostate exam.
At the doctor’s office
Doc: (while putting a rubber glove on his hand) Is your kid still taking piano lessons?
Patient: Yes, he really seems to like it.
Doc: (while putting lube on two fingers) Piano is almost the perfect musical instrument for kids. Once they get the basics of piano, they can move on to almost any other musical instrument after that. Please drop your pants and face the wall.
Patient: (while dropping pants and facing the wall) Yeah, I wish I stuck with my piano lessons when….
Doc: Can you spread your legs a little bit…
Patient: Sure….HELLO…when I was a kid.
Doc: (while checking prostate) My wife and I don’t have any kids but I’m a big believer in the piano.
Patient: Yeah….(grunt)…me too.
Doc: (while moving fingers around and squeezing prostate) Did you know that kids who naturally pick up the piano are usually pretty good at math, and kids that are pretty good at math are usually pretty good at piano?
Patient: Yeah….um….I….heard….(grunt)…that.
Doc: (while removing fingers) It’s really a mathematical process.
Patient: (exhaling) I guess so.
Doc: (while taking off his glove and tossing it in the garbage can) Are your kids good at math?
Patient: Yes…they…
Doc: You can pull your pants back up.
Patient: Oh, thanks. Yeah, they are pretty good at math. So…how did it turn out?
Doc: My wife and I both still play the piano.
Patient: (pointing at the garbage can) No, I mean…
Doc: Oh? It’s fine. No problems. You’re just getting older. Nothing to worry about.
Got any other examples of awkward small talk conversations during really embarrassing moments? We’d love to hear them. We promise not to reveal your name. Just click on the “E-mail me” link, and send in a transcript (as close as you can remember it) of your conversation.
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