Every Monday stop by for jokes, links to stories you might have missed, amusing photos and video, and more. Contributions and suggestions are welcome and encouraged. Click on the "Email Me" link on the right to contribute.
Joke of the Week: Contributed by "O"
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, and learns that she's pregnant.
She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
Stories you might have missed
1. Florida moves to ban fake testicles on vehicles
(I really don't think they've got the balls to do it.)
2. Gary Coleman in Divorce Court
(It will be televised on May 1st and 2nd. Gary will playing himself in this episode.)
3. Humans almost died out 70,000 years ago
(But how is that possible? The world is only 5000 years old. Right, Mike Hukabee?)
4. Penis theft hits Congo
(One of the penis bandits was overheard saying..."Is it twue what they about you people? Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue. It's twue.")
5. Colin Firth's penis is photographed in public bathroom by the guy next to him
(For those of you dreaming for the trappings of fame)
Video of the week: Contributed by "B". "Sweet Home Alabama" performed by the Leningrad Cowboys and the Red Army Choir.
Picture of the week: Contributed by my dog-loving friend "H"
Reader Response
Regarding Suburban Man: "Norm Crosby Lives"
"I remember when I was 10 or 11 and one day I was in the car with my mom and my uncle. I said, “Mom, you’ve got a talligator!” (Instead of tailgater? I honestly thought that term had something to do with alligators!) She and my uncle burst into laughter and I was so embarrassed! You’re definitely saving Johnny from much similar embarrassment, entertaining as it may be!"
--J
"Our family’s favorite misquote came from my daughter. She was messing around, and one of us bellowed, “BEHAVE!!!” —-to which she replied, “I AM being have (rhymes with “save”)!!!! Guess you had to be there…"
--M
Regarding "Just One Bad Century"
"Hey Rick, here’s my story…My mom’s boss at the time, Randy, took me to the first home game after the Cubs won the division in Pittsburgh in 1984. I was 11 years old, and all I can remember is absolute PANDEMONIUM! I remember standing in the upper deck as the Cubs took the field to the sound of Van Halen’s “JUMP” and vividly recall Wayne Messmer proclaiming “Ladies and Gentlemen, your 1984 Eastern Division Champion CHICAGO CUBS!!!” It was so awesome.
We went to Murphy’s before the game. I guess they figured since the kid was with a few adults, they’d let me in. Anyhow, we’re sitting around the table, me sipping my Pepsi amidst the Old Style. Randy leans into me and says, “Hey Scottie, you see that older guy sitting over there? – look down, the guy with the wooden leg?” “Yea” I said. “I see him”. Randy continued: “I want you to go over to him and say, “Hello Mr. Veeck, can I have your autograph please?”
So I did, and Bill Veeck cheerfully signed my ticket. What a thrill knowing years later that he was the man who planted the ivy, who wore the straw hat in the right field bleachers, who’s idea it was for the exploding scoreboard at Comiskey Park. At the age of 11, I met a Chicago sports legend. It was an awesome day – a Cubs Division Championship, a day out at the ball game with the ‘fellas’, and an autograph from Bill Veeck."
--S
267 days until we get a new president.
