Thursday, July 23, 2015

Trump's Latest Reality Show

The other day, after hearing that Sen. Lindsay Graham called him a "jackass", Trump did what any presidential candidate would do.

He gave out Graham's personal cell-phone number.

When I saw him do that, I finally figured this guy out. This whole campaign is a reality show. It's a good one, and will make for some incredible viewing when we go back and watch it after he finally actually steps over the line, but in the meantime that's how I'm viewing this. After each ridiculous comment, I'm picturing him going into the writer's room and brainstorming.

"So, guys, how'd I do?" Trump says

"I think the war hero ripping was better," Head writer responds, "But giving out a sitting Senator's private cell number will make for a good episode."

"I've got the Washington Post on the line here," another writer says. "Want to talk to them?"

"Are they asking me if I have spent a dime yet?" Trump retorts. "Because I haven't."

(Howls of laughter in the writer's room)

"No," the writer says. "They want to know--"

"--if I have any actual proposals for any actual issues?" Trump says.

(Howls of laughter again)

"No," the writer says after the laughter subsides. "It's about the cell-phone number."

"Tell him I got the number from Graham's gay lover," Trump says.

(There's an audible ooooooohhhh in the room)

"Over the top?" Trump asks.

"You know the rule," his head writer says. "If it oooooohes, we dooooooo it."

"What if that ends it before we're ready?"

"You called all Mexicans rapists and that didn't end it," Head writer points out. "You ripped war heros and that didn't end it. You react like a high school bully when someone calls you out, and that doesn't end it. Do you really think that mocking his sexuality will do it?"

"Good point," Trump replies.

"Pace yourself Donald. We're right on track. We just need to make it to that debate," head writer says. "That's where we'll have our grand finale. Better optics."

"Have we got anything for Carly Fiorina if she's there?"

"If she's there," one of the writers improvises, "I was thinking of you saying 'Honey, why don't you go to the kitchen and fix me a sandwich.'"

That gets the brainstormers going.

"And bring a French Maid's outfit and hold it up when you say it," another says.

"If she gets offended," another writer piles on. "Say this--I've got an apology in my pants, want to see if you can find it, sweet cheeks?"

"Those are all great, guys," the head writer says, "But I have a feeling offending all women won't make a dent in our support. We can't possibly have too many of them. We still need a finale that actually ends this thing."

The room goes silent.

"How about I tell them we're taking their guns away," Trump says confidently.

(There's an audible ooooooohhhh in the room)

"If it oooooohs, we dooooo it," the head writer says.

"But not until the debate."