Friday, November 20, 2015
Free Excerpt From "Father Knows Nothing": Don't Eat the Snow
This is one of my favorite conversations from the pages of Father Knows Nothing.
It features an 8-year-old Johnny discussing the subject of eating snow with an even younger Sean (4 years old) as they get their boots and snowsuits on. I was listening in around the corner and recorded it for posterity. So happy I did! I always think about it when Chicago braces for a big snow storm (like the one that's coming tonight).
By the way, we've noticed a big uptick in Father Knows Nothing sales the past week. Thanks so much for your support (even though I'm not sure exactly what is causing it)
Sean: Why did Dad say we shouldn’t eat snow?
Johnny: He just means the yucky snow.
Sean: What’s the yucky snow?
Johnny: Anything that isn’t white.
Sean: All snow is white.
Johnny: Nuh uh. Sometimes it’s gray or black. That means it’s dirty. If you eat it, it’s like you’re eating mud.
Sean: What if it’s blue?
Johnny: It’s never blue.
Sean: What if it is?
Johnny: It won’t be. It could be yellow, though. Don’t eat that. It’s animal pee. And brown is animal—
Sean: What if it’s green?
Johnny: That’s just the grass underneath it.
Sean: What if it’s orange?
Johnny: It won’t be orange.
Sean: But if it’s a snowman’s nose, it could be orange. Snowmans have orange noses.
Johnny: They do not.
Sean: (forcefully) YES THEY DO. They have carrots.
Sean: What if it’s red?
Johnny: That’s blood.
Sean: No, it’s not. It’s diarrhea.
Johnny: (forcefully) NO, it’s NOT. Diarrhea is brown.
Sean: I had red diarrhea one time.
Johnny: No you didn’t.
Sean: (forcefully) YES I DID.
Johnny: Not outside in the snow.
Sean: Maybe an animal has red diarrhea.
Johnny: What kind of animal?
Sean: A red fire Pokemon.
Johnny: Those aren’t real.
Sean: What about a cardinal?
Johnny: All birds have white poop.
Sean: But I thought you said that white snow…
Johnny: Uh oh.