Media Notebook (Jan 31, 2008)

Collected and Edited by Rick Kaempfer






Writers & Studios nearing a deal
(LA Times) Verrier and Eller write: "Hollywood's striking writers and major studios have moved closer to bridging their divide after a week of talks, raising hopes that a new contract is within reach. The parties have narrowed the gap between them in some key areas, including how much writers should earn when films and TV shows are distributed online, according to people close to the situation who insisted on anonymity because talks are confidential. The discussions could still derail, as they did in early December, these people cautioned. The parties remain apart over how much writers should be paid when their shows are streamed online and union jurisdiction over original content created for the Internet. Moreover, relations between the two sides have been marred by distrust and near-loathing as positions hardened in both camps."

One of Pepsi's ads for the Super Bowl



Grammys get interim deal with writers
(Associated Press) The Writers Guild of America agreed Monday to let its members work on the show set for Feb. 10. Neil Portnow called the guild's decision gratifying and promised a 50th-anniversary show "with an amazing lineup of artists and performances." With the guild's board of directors deciding to sign an interim agreement for the awards ceremony, the Grammys will escape the fate that befell this month's Golden Globes


CLICK HERE




TV Showman, Once Exiled, Returns With Video Site
(New York Times) Brooks Barnes writes: "One of Big Media’s most controversial executives is back after a period of quasi-forced retirement. Stephen Chao — who was fired from a top position at the News Corporation after, in separate incidents, hiring a male stripper to disrobe at a company meeting and nearly drowning Rupert Murdoch’s dog at a party — plans to announce on Wednesday the formation of a Web video company that he hopes to build into an educational alternative to YouTube. The site, WonderHowTo.com, aggregates how-to videos, from the mundane (like “how to tie a tie” and “how to market your lawn care business in the winter”) to the strange (“how to do Criss Angel’s vanishing toothpick trick”) and the off-color (“how to train your cat to use the toilet” and beyond)."


Bob Schieffer's retirement plans
(Associated Press) Veteran CBS Washington hand Bob Schieffer, who has anchored "Face the Nation" since 1991, said Tuesday he plans to step down from the Sunday morning political talk show with the inauguration of a new president. The start of a new administration next January provides a natural transition, he said. "That's when I'll stop doing what I'm doing now," Schieffer, who turns 71 next month, told The Associated Press. "But I'll still have some relationship with CBS, at least I hope so."


FCC Fines ABC-TV and 51 Affiliates $1.4M for Indecency
(Radio Online) The FCC has issued Notice of Apparent Liability to the ABC Television Network and 51 affiliates, including ABC's O&O'ed stations, for indecent material airing during "NYPD Blue." The Commission says that each station will be fined $27,500 (totaling some $1.4 million) for a February, 2003 episode that contained adult female nudity airing in the "safe harbor" hours of 6am to 10pm when children could be watching.


FCC fine sends millions looking for NYPD Blue clip on YouTube
(WebProNews) Jason Lee Miller writes: "The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) thought long and hard about whether Charlotte Ross's buttocks were both shocking and titillating. Five years later, they've decided they were indeed, and are fining 52 ABC stations $1.4 million. Or $27,500 per Central and Mountain time zone station that presented Ms. Ross's derriere before 10 PM. In case you missed the February 25, 2003 pre-Nipplegate episode on its first run, the news of the FCC's indecency fine has spurred millions to check it out on YouTube. If YouTube deletes it for fear of copyright infringement, likely it'll pop up again from other users. If not, the Parents Television Council, who made the initial complaint and who hates any type of raunchiness on TV, has a clip of the raunchiness on their website, along with lots of other titillating and shocking clips."






CLICK HERE




Clear Channel’s challenge – keep morale up as the stock drops.
(Radio-Info.com) This is real inside radio stuff, or should I say inside Wall Street stuff, which anyone who works in radio knows is the same thing. Tom Taylor writes about Clear Channel's stock drop: "“CCU” sank below the $30 level Tuesday and finished down $2.25 for the day – off a full 7%. That followed Monday’s 7% decline. Tuesday’s erosion was partly fueled by David Faber’s CNBC report of “less than enthusiastic” public support for the deal by one of its two big private equity backers...To give you an idea of the trading frenzy, check the volume: Nearly 26.3 million shares of CCU changed hands yesterday. That’s triple the normal volume. It was also twice the volume of Coca Cola (which has 2.3 billion shares) and was three million more shares than Time Warner. As for employee morale – Monday I mentioned the corporate jets (plural) that are used by the Mays family, and you wonder if some public gestures (at least) would be in order.”



Olbermann: Why I keep 'poking Bill O'Reilly in the eye'
(Raw Story) According to MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, it's not about obsession. He isn't Captain Ahab and Fox's Bill O'Reilly isn't his great white whale, and, in a conversation with CNN's Howard Kurtz, he reveals that he's even getting a little bored of the constant feuding. Except, just like Michael Corleone, every time Olbermann thinks he can move on, O'Reilly "does something so outrageous," that it pulls him back in.
(Rick's note: The video of the entire interview is at the link too.)


Advertiser Sues Imus for $4 million
(Huffington Post) Samuel Maull writes: "Don Imus is being sued for more than $4 million by an advertiser on his former show who says the radio shock jock badmouthed the company and called its commercials for a book by the late President Gerald Ford "cheesy." Flatsigned Press Inc., a book publisher based in Nashville, Tenn., says Imus insulted the company last year in ads it paid for to promote a book by Ford on the Warren Commission's investigation into the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy. On his "Imus in the Morning" show, the talker told WFAN listeners the publishers "have been waiting for (Ford) to croak so they can unload these (books)," the lawsuit claims. Besides calling the ad spots "cheesy," Imus said of Ford's death, "Now that he's flatLINED, you go to flatSIGNED.com," the lawsuit filed in Manhattan's state Supreme Court says. Marc Held, Flatsigned's lawyer, said Thursday that Ford approved the book and signed the copies Flatsigned was selling. Imus was told to read the script "word for word" and not insult the sponsor, "but he kept doing it," Held said."


CLICK HERE




Team Obama Not Courting the Press
(Washington Post) When reporters filed onto Barack Obama's press plane after his acrimonious debate with Hillary Rodham Clinton last week, one thing was noticeably missing amid the wine and snacks on the Boeing 737. There was no high-level campaign spinner to argue that Obama had gotten the better of the exchanges or that the verbal fisticuffs were part of some precisely calculated strategy. On the press bus the next day, mid-level aides dealt with travel logistics but made no attempt to shape the coverage.






CLICK HERE




The Soprano's and 30 Rock win SAG awards
(TV Week) Andrew Krukowski writes: "The Sopranos took home all three of the Screen Actors Guild Awards for which it was nominated—ensemble, lead actor and lead actress in a drama series—placing a definite final bullet point on the iconic HBO series. James Gandolfini kicked off the evening with his fourth SAG win for his portrayal of Tony Soprano. 'This is our last official act as ‘Sopranos’ together,' Mr. Gandolfini said. His castmate Edie Falco won for actress in a drama series, also her fourth win. 'I have fallen in love with these people [the cast of "The Sopranos"]—I don’t know how you walk away from that,' Ms. Falco said. On the comedy side, NBC’s 30 Rock received Actor statuettes for its leads, Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin, while NBC’s The Office nabbed its second consecutive comedy ensemble award."




An interview with Karen Hand
(Chicago Radio Spotlight) This past weekend I interviewed former WLS, WXRT, B-96, and WCKG personality Karen Hand. She told some great stories about her days at WLS and B-96, and explained what she is doing now. Coming this weekend: An interview with Kiss-FM's morning man, DreX.

Suburban Man: A Wacky Remedy

By Rick Kaempfer





My wife and boys decided shortly after I became the stay-at-home dad that “care-giving” wasn’t exactly my strong suit. It might have something to do with my German “quit your bellyaching and tough it out” approach to illness. Unfortunately, we’ve discovered together that some illnesses can’t be beaten simply with a strong will and a glass of ginger ale.

So, when the boys get sick, even though I’m the one that’s home with them, I’m in constant touch with the tower asking for help. Normally I just do exactly what my wife tells me to do, but every now and then she’ll give me some advice that makes me question her own qualifications.

For instance, about a month ago when Johnny had a hacking cough keeping him up at night, she suggested something that seemed completely crazy.

“Rub some Vick’s on the bottom of his feet,” she said.

I was waiting for the punch line…and it never came.

“On the bottom of his feet? Where did you hear that one?”

“I got one of those mass e-mails that had been forwarded a million times from the sister of my friend’s mother’s neighbor the other day, and this e-mail claims it works like a charm.”

Of course.

“Was she writing from Nigeria, and did she also suggest you give her all of your bank account information?”

“No, this is legit.”

“Sure sounds like it. Have the mass forwarded e-mails from the sister of your friend’s mother’s neighbor ever been wrong?”

“Just do it.”

“Did the e-mail end with ‘forward this to ten of your best friends and you will have ten years of good luck’?”

“Shut up and get the Vapo-Rub,” she said. “It’s in the medicine cabinet.”

When I told Johnny what I was about to do, he looked at me like I was crazy.

“On the bottom of my feet?” he asked. “What did mom say to do?”

“This is her idea,” I said, with a roll of my eyes. “Just let me do it this one time to prove to your mother it doesn’t work, and we’ll never have to do it again.”

He seemed to accept that explanation and went along with it.

A funny thing happened that night. He didn’t cough, and he slept like a baby. When his brothers got sick the next week, I tried it on them too. It worked again. When Bridget got sick the following week, it worked for her too.

I haven’t gotten sick yet, so I can’t tell you how it feels, and I still don’t understand how it works, but I’m not rolling my eyes anymore. Apparently, the sister of my wife’s friend’s mother’s neighbor is the Doctor Spock of our generation. That must be why her e-mails get forwarded millions of times.

How smart is she? Mr. Vick doesn’t even know about the power of his own product. I read every word of the packaging and it doesn’t say a thing about putting it on the bottom of your feet.

Have any of you heard of this remedy?

If so, have you had similar success?




This originally appeared on my blog at NWI Parent, "Father Knows Nothing." If you haven't yet checked out "Father Knows Nothing", there are several new columns there that I haven't shared here at Suburban Man headquarters.

Click here to see them.

Monday Musings

Every Monday stop by for jokes, links to stories you might have missed, amusing photos and video, and more. Contributions and suggestions are welcome and encouraged. Click on the "Email Me" link on the right to contribute.



Joke of the Week:
Guns & Doctors. Contributed by my Republican friend "A."


Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.' FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!



Stories You Might Have Missed

1. Drew Peterson's lawyer reaches new low
(You won't believe his response to an angry e-mail. I'm pretty unshockable, but this even shocked me.)


2. Drew Peterson's secret admirer
(See if you can guess what made me laugh in this story.)

3. A GOP operative creates a new anti-Hillary group.
(Another shocking story. You won't believe the acronym of this group. I'm not exactly a Hillary fan, but these guys--who are pretty mainstream Republican fundraisers--are going waaaay over the line.)

4. Sangria is against the law in Virginia?
(Yes, and it has been since 1934)

5. Obama's Top Ten Campaign Promises
(This is the top ten list he delivered on Letterman Friday night. Very funny.)


Yikes, we lost two more this week. Sad stories...

Chicago News Anchor Randy Salerno dies in snowmobile accident
(He was only 45)

VIDEO: One of Heath Ledger's last interviews, talking about upcoming Batman movie
(He was only 28)



Video of the week: Contributed by "E". Movie predicts NFC Championship Game twenty years before it occurs.








Picture of the week: Contributed by many. Best gravestone ever...

















Reader Response

Regarding "Just One Bad Century"

"I heard about the release of this website on WGN's "The Noon Show," a few days ago.
It. is. PHENOMENAL!
Great information, excellent layout, amazing pictures...very well done - I'm telling everybody I know about this site. Let's bring it home this year! GO CUBS!"
--K

"Great interview with Bob Sirott... I was sitting here going: 'Now that's a familiar voice???' I really like the website...I'll forward it onto some friends...including the ones that have an appreciation for fine mustaches."
--J

"Can I just tell you how much I love this website? I can’t wait for the souvenir stand to open. I might have to use your logo as a new Cubs tattoo (to add to the one I already have)."
--A

Rick responds: We're getting there on the Souvenir Shop. Hang in there. Also, for those of you who didn't hear my interviews with Sirott or Steve Cochran, you can click here to hear them.





358 days until we get a brand new President

Thank You

Thanks to everyone who braved the cold and came out to my book signing in Naperville last night. It was great to see so many old friends (some of which I haven't seen in more than ten years), and fun to meet so many new people.

And thanks to Kim Strickland, my fellow author and friend. It was a kick to share the stage with you.

Have a nice weekend, everyone!

Your pal,
Rick

Attention: I'm leaving the basement!

HEAR RICK KAEMPFER: Appearing on WLS Radio today January 18th, at 10:30 A.M. with Jerry Agar to discuss the Just One Bad Century website.

HEAR RICK KAEMPFER: Appearing on WGN Radio with Bob Sirott on Tuesday (Jan 22) at 12:40 p.m to discuss the Just One Bad Century website.

(By the way, the website is catching on already. Our first YouTube video got over 5000 hits in one day: VIDEO: Harry Caray rips Cracker Jacks)

Suburban Man: Overheard in the Mudroom

By Rick Kaempfer







I overheard this conversation a few weeks ago. My two youngest sons were putting on their snowpants and boots, and getting ready to play in the snow. Sean (age 5) and Johnny (age 9) had no idea I could hear them because I was sitting around the corner.

Sean: Why did Dad say we shouldn’t eat snow?

Johnny: He just means the yucky snow.

Sean: What’s the yucky snow?

Johnny: Anything that isn’t white.

Sean: All snow is white.

Johnny: Nuh uh. Sometimes it’s gray or black. That means it’s dirty. If you eat it, it’s like you’re eating mud.

Sean: What if it’s blue?

Johnny: It’s never blue.

Sean: What if it is?

Johnny: It won’t be. It could be yellow, though. Don’t eat that. It’s animal pee. And brown is animal—

Sean: What if it’s green?

Johnny: That’s just the grass underneath it.

Sean: What if it’s orange?

Johnny: It won’t be orange.

Sean: But if it’s a snowman’s nose, it could be orange. Snowmans have orange noses.

Johnny: They do not.

Sean: (forcefully) YES THEY DO. They have carrots.

Johnny: Fine.

Sean: What if it’s red?

Johnny: That’s blood.

Sean: No, it’s not. It’s diarrhea.

Johnny: (forcefully) NO, it’s NOT. Diarrhea is brown.

Sean: I had red diarrhea one time.

Johnny: No you didn’t.

Sean: (forcefully) YES I DID.

Johnny: Not outside in the snow.

(LONG SILENCE)

Sean: Maybe an animal has red diarrhea.

Johnny: What kind of animal?

Sean: A red fire Pokemon.

Johnny: Those aren’t real.

Sean: What about a cardinal?

Johnny: All birds have white poop.

(LONG SILENCE)

Sean: But I thought you said that white snow…

Johnny: Uh oh.

This originally appeared on my blog at NWI Parent, "Father Knows Nothing." If you haven't yet checked out "Father Knows Nothing", there are several new columns there that I haven't shared here at Suburban Man headquarters.

Click here to see them.

Suburban Man: Holiday Letter 2007

By Rick Kaempfer




I've gotten quite a bit of feedback from friends and family about the Kaempfer family Holiday letter. Since I don't have all of your addresses, I thought I would reprint the letter here.

Happy New Year!

Dear Friends and Family:

It's been an eventful 2007 at the Kaempfer house.

*In February, Tommy (age 11) won a Pinewood Derby race! The other Cub Scout dads congratulated Rick on the victory, but Rick was forced to publicly admit that Bridget made the car.

*In March, Sean (age 5) officially gave up trying to make friends with his older brothers. He now spends his days plotting passive-aggressive revenge. Among his greatest hits, this casual little gem, uttered in Johnny's general direction as he was leaving for school one day…"Magic 8-ball, will Sean be playing with Johnny's toys all day? Hmmm. What does Y-E-S spell?"

*In early May Bridget started a new job at a private equity firm. The job came with its own workout program. She now runs several miles a week because she's constantly late for the train.

*In mid-May, the Kaempfers went camping as a family for the very first time. After a refreshing hike through the woods, Rick and Bridget spent the rest of the weekend picking hundreds of ticks out of every nook and cranny of Tommy, Johnny and Sean. They threw the last tick in the fire just before the thunderstorm began.

*In early June Rick's novel "$everance" was released just as the boys were getting out of school for the summer. He conducted dozens of slightly distracted radio interviews on the phone while all three boys were at home…an experience that may have inspired another book. Tentative working title: "What was that thump?"

*In mid-June, a desperate Bridget took the boys to Benihana in an effort to get them to try new foods. The boys, especially Johnny (age 9), oohed and aahed as the chefs performed a chop-tastic knife show. Unfortunately, recreating this success at home will require a paramedic.

*In July, Rick forgot to apply sunscreen before going outside on a hot afternoon, and his lips became horribly blistered. The next day, he got the biggest zit he's had since high school. The following night, a playful wrestling session with Sean resulted in a gaping wound to Rick's cheek. If you want to see what he looked like during that regrettable three day period, just ask him to show you his driver's license picture. It happened right before he got it renewed.

*In September, Sean started collecting beer bottle caps. He now requests to go "beer shopping" and has been seen looking in other people's refrigerators asking a question any typical five-year-old might ask: "What kind of beer you got?"

*In October Tommy turned 12. His age is now equal to the number of words he speaks to his parents in a given day.

*In November, Johnny and Sean got along with each other for eight days. In a row. The Guinness people have been in touch.

That's it for us. We hope you have wonderful and joyous holiday season, and a truly memorable 2008—the one hundredth anniversary of the Cubs' last World Series title.

Love,
Rick, Bridget, Tommy, Johnny & Sean

If you haven't yet checked out my blog at NWI Parent ("Father Knows Nothing"), there are several new columns there that I haven't shared here at Suburban Man headquarters.

Click here to see them.

Suburban Man: Innocence Lost

By Rick Kaempfer





Have you ever had a joke get away from you?

It started innocently enough.

When my oldest boy Tommy was just learning to talk, I used to tell a joke every time I fixed one of his toys. Keep in mind I only told this joke if his mother was within hearing distance.

The joke: “Remember Tommy, Dad can fix anything.”

My wife laughed every time I said it because I’m such a mechanical moron.

I’m not just being self-effacing here. I’m really, really, worthless. When we got married, one of the first things my wife purchased for us was an actual tool box to replace the Marshall Field’s box I used to store my four tools (screwdriver, hammer, pliers, and pointy metal thing.) She also bought some more tools, and she even knows how to use them.

As Tommy grew older (he’s 12 now), I said the joke less and less because his toys got more and more complicated. Pretty soon, I was able to fix almost nothing. Instead of even trying, I would send him to his mother. At some point I assumed he had figured out that his mother was the mechanical one.

He hadn’t.

We were going over his latest report card the other day, and Tommy was a little concerned about his grade in gym class. I told him not to worry about it. “Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses, and you did well in all the academic subjects. That’s your strength. Gym just happens to be your weakness.”

“But you don’t have any weaknesses,” he said in all seriousness.

“Are you kidding? I have tons of weaknesses.”

“Like what?”

“Well, for one thing, I’m not exactly mechanically inclined.”

His mouth dropped open.

“What do you mean? You can fix anything.”

“No I can’t,” I said. “That’s a joke. I only say that to make your mom laugh, because she knows that I can’t fix anything.”

He was crushed. He didn’t say a word for several seconds as he processed this bombshell.

“Are you OK buddy?” I asked.

He nodded, but I could tell he wasn’t.

“So,” he said tentatively, “when you call yourself Mr. Rand McNally…”

I nodded sadly. “Remember when I got lost trying to find the Cubs Scout outing? And the time I got lost in Ikea? And that night we looked all over the parking lot for our car? And…”

He held his hand in the air. He had heard enough.

I probably shouldn’t have copped to this the same week we had our little talk about Santa Claus. A young boy can only handle so much.


This article first appeared on the blog of "NWI Parent," a publication of the Northwest Indiana Times. I'm now a regular columnist/blogger for them, writing a weekly column called "Father Knows Nothing"

Suburban Man: Clean up the house day

By Rick Kaempfer



I’m often asked what it’s like to live in a house run by men and boys. Let me put it to you this way…if you ever stop by my house unannounced, can I request a specific time and day?

Every Friday, my boys and I do something called “Clean up the house day.” Without a strict adherence to this weekly policy, we’d be living in squalor.

When they’re at school, I stop writing about noon, put on my iPod, and begin cleaning up the house (I’m using the male definition of “cleaning” by the way). By the time they come back from school, I’ve dusted, swept, vacuumed, watered the plants, cleaned the kitchen, thrown all of the stray toys and books onto their beds, and done several loads of laundry.

As soon as they walk in the door, they are handed a gigantic pile of clothes to put away, a swiffer, and a garbage bag, and they’re expected to clean up their own rooms (again, I’m using the male definition of “clean”). They have about an hour to tackle that herculean task, before they go to phase 2.

During Phase 2, Tommy (age 12) puts on the rubber gloves and cleans the bathrooms (do I need to keep reminding you I’m using the male definition of “clean”?). Johnny (age 9) and Sean (age 5) are expected to take care of the basement without getting into a fist-fight.

If they finish early, that’s fine, but they are absolutely forbidden from re-messing up any part of the house until their mother gets home. They’ve learned the hard way that this is a completely non-negotiable rule. After mom gets home, life can return to normal.

I just want the weekend to start off well for my lovely wife. It isn’t too much to ask to come home to a house that isn’t disgusting at least one day a week, right? Even if she just sees the house clean for an hour or two, it seems to put a smile on her face.

Also, from a selfish point of view, after the weekend has started off with a “clean” house, then when the house starts to accumulate new piles of randomly strewn toys and books and crumbs and crap over the weekend–it’s not all my fault. She was here too.

Plus, I don’t have to hear her sighing and muttering the word “disgusting” under her breath all weekend long.

So, if you stop by on a Friday, any time after 5 is fine. If you stop by on a Thursday, even if all the lights are on and you can see us inside the house, we’re not home.

It’s for your own good.



This article first appeared on the blog of "NWI Parent," a publication of the Northwest Indiana Times. I'm now a regular columnist/blogger for them, writing a weekly column called "Father Knows Nothing"

Gift Giving Advice from Rick Kaempfer*

(Celebrity Snippets will return next Saturday to it's regularly scheduled time slot with a memorable story about Larry King. I'm pre-empting that feature to bring you this very special holiday announcement.)



I know you're busy shopping for presents, so I wanted to remind you of an inexpensive option for that special someone on your list. You're probably one step ahead of me here, but have you considered giving the book "$everance"as a gift?



Why?

1. The Writer's Guild is striking.
Everyone on your list is already starved for comedy—and $everance has been called "whiplash-fast choke-on-your-coffee funny" and "a brilliant satire." (And much more: Praise for $everance)


2. Christmas is for Children.
And I have three of them…who will be getting every dime that I make from this book. The littlest one (Sean) literally steals the money right out of my pockets. (And the Writer's Guild thinks they have problems).


3. It's only $16 if you buy it online from my publisher.
Look at your list again. Do you really want to spend more than $16 on most of those people? Give them $everance. They get to laugh. You save some cash.

I know what you're thinking, you've looked for $everance before, and it's hard to find in the stores, and it's…oh look….here's a direct link. (www.encpress.com/SEV.html).

Quick, click on the link before it's too late. It's like the Wii videogame system this year. When you find it, you gotta buy it. If you can't give it to someone you love (or don't love) as a gift, you can still make a fortune selling it on eBay. If not, at the very least it can level out that wobbly table in the basement (Simply place it under the slightly shorter table leg, and voila!)

I'd like to see the Wii do that.





*If you've already received this advice via e-mail, I apologize for the redundancy. I only have a few hundred e-mail addresses, and about 10,000 people read this blog every week. I'll officially stop hounding you now, and return you to the free entertainment I provide without advertising support or pledge drives. (hint, hint. sniff.)

Suburban Man: 2007 Toy Guide

By Rick Kaempfer





When my kids handed me their Christmas lists this year, my mouth dropped open. After I regained my composure, I said what any sane parent (not named Rockefeller) would have said: "Sorry kids, Santa told me he's not bringing anything this year that costs more than $100."

"But Dad…"

But nothing. Don't tell Santa there isn't anything worthwhile out there for less than $100. We found a ton of gift ideas, and we don't even have Santa's extensive connections in the toy world.

Some of these toys are for girls, some are for boys, some are for younger kids, and some are for the "But Dad" crowd, but every single one of them costs less than a hundred dollars.

Ten Toys Under $50

Quizmo
(FatBrain, Suggested Retail price: $15)
This hand held quiz game is for kids 7 and up. It has all the features kids love in their handheld gizmos, including flashing lights and beeps, but it also clandestinely educates them (Quizmo answers 693,135 questions). Why isn't it for kids under 7? It doesn't answer their favorite question: "Why?"
Quizmo is available at Smarti Pants Toys in Highland.

Cranium Zooreeka
(Cranium, Suggested Retail price: $17.99)
In our family we've always found the Cranium games to be a step above the other games on the market. Cranium's latest effort, Zooreeka, was voted the Best Game of the Year at the 2007 Toy Fair, and it's easy to see why. It's perfect for kids who have trouble maintaining their own habitats.
Zooreeka is available at Toys R Us, Wal-Mart, and Target.

Cranium Sounds of the Seashore
(Cranium, Suggested Retail price: $17.99)
This is a Cranium game for little kids (3 and up). It's a matching and memory game featuring the sights and sounds of the sea. It's just the thing for America's global warming generation.
Sounds of the Seashore is available at Toys R Us and Target.

Hannah Montana Singing Doll
(Disney, Suggested Retail Price: $29.99)
If you have a daughter, you know all about Disney Channel's biggest attraction: Hannah Montana. This Hannah doll even sings her hit song "Best of Both Worlds." Ear plugs for parents not included.
Hannah Montana Singing Doll is available at Toys R Us, Wal-Mart & Target for around $20.

Rubik's Revolution
(Sevens Town Ltd, Suggested Retail Price: $34.95)
The makers of the original Rubik's Cube have come out with a new handheld electronic version of the cube that has six built-in-games (and no cubes to turn). It's also not quite as challenging as the original because it's aimed at 5-10 year olds, but that just means that the rest of us have a chance this time.
Rubik's Revolution is available at Toys R Us and Target (for around $20).

Motion Detector
(Snap Circuits, Suggested Retail Price: $21.95)
This motion detector is aimed at the 8-10 year old crowd. It's a Snap Circuits toy, which means it must be assembled, but it's really not that difficult. And once it's assembled, anyone who walks in front of it is greeted with the sound of a laser and a flashing red light. Unlimited fun for families with cats and dogs.
Motion Detector is available at Smarti Pants Toyz in Highland

Bathtub Car Wash
(Alex Toys, Suggested Retail Price: $25.00)
Finally a bath toy that actually makes sense. This toy has received the National Parenting Seal of Approval. It comes with little washable cars, and a squeegee that needs to be filled with liquid soap. It's virtually impossible for a child to play with this toy without getting clean.
Bathtub Car Wash is available at Smarti Pants Toyz in Highland.

Barbie Chat Diva
(Mattel, Suggested Retail Price: $29.95)
The most realistic Barbie on the market. This one talks on the cell phone all day.
Barbie Chat Diva is available at Toys R Us, Wal-Mart & Target.

TMX Elmo
(Fisher Price, Suggested Retail Price: $39.99)
Winner of the "Best Toy of the Year" award at the 2007 Toy Fair, it's similar to the earlier 'must have' Tickle Me Elmo. This one, however, performs new tricks when he's tickled, including falling over on his side, shimmying on his back, and lying on his belly and slapping the floor next to him.
TMX Elmo is available at Toys R Us and Target.

EyeClops Bionic Eye
(Jakks Pacific, Suggested Retail Price: $49.99)
Point the eye at anything and it magnifies it by 200 times, displaying the image on your television screen. Kids will be amazed by close up looks at things like hair and salt, and will be grounded if they try to get a close up look at dad's bald spot.
EyeClops Bionic Eye is available at Toys R Us and Wal-Mart.



Five Toys Under $100

Fold 2 Go Trike
(Radio Flyer, Suggested Retail Price: $99.99)
Winner of the "Best Outdoor Toy" award at the Toy Fair 2007, this is a tricycle that comes completely assembled (my prayers have been answered!). It folds up, is made of sturdy steel, has real rubber tires, and can handle any terrain. Did I mention it comes assembled?
Fold 2 Go Trike is available at Toys R Us, Wal-Mart & Target at prices ranging from $39.99 to $64.95.

Kid Tough Digital Camera
(Fisher Price, Suggested Retail Price: $69.99)
An actual functioning digital camera with 1.6 inch color display, built for little hands, and much, much, more durable than a grown up digital camera. It was chosen as the best electronic/entertainment toy at the 2007 Toy Fair. It comes in both pink and blue, and is the perfect present for a little brother or sister who can't fight back without incriminating photos.
Kid Tough Digital Camera is available at Toys R Us, Wal-Mart, and Target at prices ranging from $49.99 to $64.99.

LEGO Creator Monster Dino
(LEGO, Suggested Retail Price: $89.99)
The Dino LEGO has batteries, motors, remote controls, censors, and easy to follow instructions. He can walk, move his head, and roar. Engineering degree not included.
LEGO Creator Monster Dino is available at Toys R Us and Target. Alsip Nursery in Frankfort and St. John also carries Legos products.

Smart Cycle
(Fisher Price, Suggested Retail Price: $99.99)
This toy was featured on the Today show a few months ago. The smart cycle is a child-sized stationary bike for 3-6 year old kids. Simply plug the jack into the TV, insert the software cartridge, and voila, your child is riding in a video game. Instead of turning his brain to mush, however, this video game forces him to exercise.
The Smart Cycle is available at Toys R Us and Target.

Spy Video Car
(Wild Planet, Suggested Retail Price: $174.99)
Winner of the "Best Toy for Boys" award at the 2007 Toy Fair, the Spy Video Car has an infrared night-vision video camera attached to it's front bumper. When the child puts on the special spy goggles, he or she can see what the camera sees. It works indoors and out, daytime and night, has a range of 75-feet, and almost certainly will see something it's not supposed to see.
Despite the suggested retail price, Spy Video Car was available at Toys R Us, Wal-Mart, and Target for less than $100 at press time.


Aren't we forgetting something?

You might have noticed that we've mentioned several award winning toys, including the winner for "Best Toy", "Best Outdoor Toy," "Best Game", "Best Entertainment/Electronic Toy," and the "Best Toy for Boys."

What about "Best Toy For Girls?"

You might not be surprised to learn that the "Best Toy for Girls" (FuReal Friends Butterscotch Pony) doesn't qualify thanks to Santa's "Under $100" rule this year. It retails for $299.99. We only mention it now because we know the truth. Dads are suckers for their little girls. (They have it at Toys R Us, Wal-Mart and Target, Dad.)

We'll even give you a free rationalization. It's cheaper than a real pony.



This article appears in the Nov/Dec issue of NWI Parent Magazine. There's another piece of mine in the same issue.


Also, check out my blog at NWI Parent. It's called "Father Knows Nothing"

Celebrity Snippets: Charmian Carr

Charmian Carr played the part of "Liesl" in the Oscar winning film "The Sound of Music."






Last time in Celebrity Snippets, I wrote about my encounter with Julie Andrews , but these are the essential ingredients of the story for you to understand the significance of my encounter with Charmian Carr.

When I was growing up, the Sound of Music was a very important film in our house. My father came from Austria and he forced us to watch it so many times that we knew the film by heart. After he died, The Sound of Music reminded us of Dad even more.

I made the mistake of telling John Landecker about this, and he thought it was hilarious that a 30-something straight male loved that movie. He brought me along to an interview with Julie Andrews to embarrass me. He thought I was in love with her--but I confessed after the interview that I was actually in love with the girl who played Liesl, Charmian Carr.

As it turns out, telling that to John was an even bigger mistake.

I figured the odds of running into her were minimal, but wouldn't you know it, she came to Chicago just a few years later to promote a sing-a-long version of "The Sound of Music." When John heard she was coming, he insisted that I book her to appear on the show.

I did. But I knew I was in for it.

He wouldn't tell me what was going on in the days before the interview, but I heard a lot of whispering between John and the other members of the show. Whenever I walked into the room, they shut up. Or they laughed. I was bracing for the worst.

On the morning of the interview, I was unbelievably nervous. John had even been warning the audience about my childhood love of Liesl, and that something truly memorable was about to occur.

She arrived at the studio about fifteen minutes early, so I met her at the door and brought her to the green room. I must say, she was still quite beautiful. I know she's easily fifteen years older than me, and I know how ridiculous this sounds, but I couldn't even bring myself to shake her hand. I had sweaty palms.

I tried to warn her that something was going to happen. I told her that John had been teasing me about my love of the movie, and described our Julie Andrews experience to her. She seemed amused by it all, but I must admit...I had a difficult time maintaining eye contact.

Take a look at those eyes.

When I brought her into the studio, John was nearly bouncing off his seat with excitement. Within seconds, he was handing each of us a script, and explaining to the audience what was about to occur.

He had transcribed the love scene between Liesl and Rolf, and wanted to know if Charmian would recreate that scene live on the air, with me playing the part of Rolf. I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed in my life.

She was obviously a little taken aback by this, but after looking at me, shrugged her shoulders and said "Sure, what the heck."

John cued the music, and boom, we were acting out the scene. I was sitting five feet away from the real Liesl, and she was calling me "Rolf" with love in her voice. I stammered through my first line, which sent John into convulsions, and onto the floor, but it didn't stop Charmian. She was such a good sport about it.

We did the entire scene. For those two or three minutes, she was sixteen going on seventeen, and I was the blond-haired Austrian teenager she was in love with.

Can I confess it now?

It was probably one of my all-time favorite moments in my radio career because it was such a unique and personal experience.

Don't tell that to John, though. It would ruin the moment for him.






How many people have both of these autographs on their "Sound of Music" soundtrack?

Suburban Man: An Embarrassing Collection

By Rick Kaempfer





My youngest son Sean (age 5) is an avid collector.

He used to collect harmless things like leaves, rocks, paper clips, and coins. (Hint: Don’t jingle the change in your pocket around this boy. He’ll follow you around until you fork it over.) A few months ago, however, he started a brand new collection that is even more embarrassing.

He collects bottle caps.

Beer bottle caps.

My wife was horrified immediately, but I must admit, I thought it was funny at first. Plus, it was actually kind of nice to have an occasional beer brought to me without asking for it. It was even good for a few laughs when we had friends over.

“Oh, you’ve really got him trained, don’t you?”

“He’s collecting bottle caps,” I would explain.

My wife gave me a disapproving look each time, but I wasn’t concerned. It’s not like anyone believed he was drinking the beer himself. I collected beer cans when I was a kid, which was a rather popular trend in the 70s. I considered his bottle cap collection the same sort of thing. As far as I was concerned, it was totally innocuous.

On the other hand, I hadn’t anticipated that his collection would accumulate at such an alarming rate. Soon, whenever he brought out his huge collection to proudly display for friends and relatives, I felt compelled to add: “He didn’t get all of those from me.”

Unfortunately, the way he got the rest of them has become a bit of a problem. Upon entering a new home, his first destination is now the refrigerator. The other day we went to visit my mother, and he not only went into her refrigerator, he said these words as he did so…

“Hey, what kind of beer you got?”

The look on my mother’s face that day, in addition to the look on my wife’s face the following day when we found him rifling through the garbage for bottle caps at my sister’s house, has convinced me this collection has to go.

I don’t want to throw them out or ban the collection outright because that will make him want to collect them even more. That’s just the kind of kid he is. (I have no idea where he got that rebellious streak from…oh, wait a minute…never mind.) No, the only way to get him away from bottle caps, is to convince him to collect something else.

It has to be something colorful (which is what attracted him to the bottle caps), easy to accumulate (which will get him enthused), and free (which will keep me out of the poorhouse.)

Have any ideas?




This article first appeared on the blog of "NWI Parent," a publication of the Northwest Indiana Times. I'm now a regular columnist/blogger for them, writing a weekly column called "Father Knows Nothing"

A little something for the Germans

Half Empty will return next week. I wanted to turn you on to this interview I did for a German radio magazine called "RadioSzene." Those of you who understand German can follow along. Those of you who can't, may get a kick out of it anyway.
--Rick


"Hoffentlich passiert so etwas nicht in Deutschland!"

Ein knallharter Blick hinter die Kulissen des amerikanischen Radiogeschäfts

Ex-Radiomoderator und Produzent Rick Kaempfer aus Chicago hat ein Buch über die amerikanische Radioszene geschrieben. Es trägt den etwas ungewöhnlichen Titel „Severance“ (zu Deutsch: „Abfindung“). Eine Mischung aus Satire und Wirklichkeit: Kaempfer klärt den Leser über die Besitzverhältnisse der amerikanischen Radiosender auf und beschreibt den Arbeits-Alltag in einer (fiktiven) amerikanischen Station.

Martin Schmitt, Nachrichtenredakteur bei der Hörfunkagentur „BLR&RadioDienst“ in München, hat sich Ende Oktober mit Rick Kaempfer in Chicago getroffen und mit ihm über sein neues Buch und das Radiogeschäft in den Vereinigten Staaten gesprochen.



Interview mit Ex-Radio-Personality Rick Kaempfer

Schmitt: Rick, bevor wir über Dein Buch sprechen, erzähl uns doch etwas über Deine eigene Radiokarriere!

Kaempfer: Nun, ich bin seit 20 Jahren im „Radiobusiness“ in Chicago. Ich war unter anderem Produzent der “Steve Dahl & Garry Meier Show” (WLS Radio, Chicago). Die Sendung ist in der berühmten „Rock and Roll Hall of Fame“ in Cleveland gelistet. Das Konzept der Show: Rock and Roll und Comedy-Elemente. Ich habe dort unter anderem als Comedy-Autor gearbeitet. Anschließend war ich im Team der “John Records Landecker Show“ (WJMK-Radio Chicago). Eine Sendung, die ebenfalls Mitglied der „Rock and Roll Hall of Fame“ ist. Das Konzept der Sendung: Comedy und Oldies.

Schmitt: Nach 20 Jahren im „Radiobusiness“ hast Du vor ein paar Jahren einen Schlussstrich gezogen und gesagt: Jetzt reichts! Ich schreibe ein Buch über das Business. Der Titel des Buches lautet „Severance“ – eine Art Comedy-Buch?

Kaempfer: Das Buch erzählt die Geschichte eines Radio-Moderators, der sich geradezu darum bemüht, gefeuert zu werden, um dann eine fette Abfindung zu kassieren. Aber seine Radiostation denkt gar nicht daran, ihn zu entlassen. Der Sender will ihn notgedrungen halten, damit er die hohe Abfindung nicht zahlen muss. Schließlich macht der Programmdirektor ihm das Leben so schwer wie möglich, mit dem Ziel, dass er von selbst aufgibt und kündigt. Das ist die Kurzfassung des Buches. Eine Art Satire über den alltäglichen Wahnsinn innerhalb eines Radiosenders.



Rick Kaempfer im Interview mit Martin Schmitt in Chicago




Schmitt: Aber es ist kein Buch über Deine eigene Karriere im Radiogeschäft, oder?

Kaempfer: Nun, vielleicht sogar doch ein kleines bisschen. Im letzten Jahr, in dem ich noch aktiv als Radiomoderator gearbeitet habe, war ich wirklich sehr unzufrieden und unser Team stand auch kurz davor, gefeuert zu werden. Aber unser Geschäftsführer hat uns nicht entlassen, weil wir noch ein Jahr unseren Vertrag zu erfüllen hatten. Aus dieser Zeit stammen auch einige Ideen für das Buch.

Schmitt: „Severance“ scheint wirklich das erste und einzige Buch zu sein, welches das „wahre“ Leben im Radiogeschäft beschreibt. Ist es nur ein Buch für Radioleute?

Kaempfer: Es ist ein Buch für jeden, der sich dafür interessiert, was tatsächlich im Mediengeschäft abläuft. Ich glaube, in den USA wissen viele gar nicht, was hinter den Kulissen passiert. Wenn sie es wüssten, wären sie schockiert! „Severance“ ist ein Buch aus dem wahren Leben. Leute, die es lesen, werden wahrscheinlich gar nicht glauben, dass ich dort die Wahrheit über das Mediengeschäft geschrieben habe. Das ist übrigens auch der Grund, weshalb ich nicht mehr zurück ins Geschäft will.

Schmitt: Die Medienlandschaft in den USA unterscheidet sich ja grundlegend von der Situation in Deutschland: Nur zwei, drei große Konzerne kontrollieren praktisch alle Radiosender in den Vereinigten Staaten. Das klingt nach einer wahnsinnigen Medienmacht!

Kaempfer: Oh, in der Tat! Allein das Medienunternehmen „Clear Channel“ besitzt in den USA 1.200 Radiosender. Der Konzern erreicht damit 27 Prozent der gesamten Radiohörer der Vereinigten Staaten. Betrachtet man einzelne Bundesstaaten, sieht es sogar noch krasser aus: In Florida beispielsweise hat „Clear Channel“ einen weitesten Hörerkreis von 70 Prozent. Das ist unglaublich! Ein weiteres Medienunternehmen ist CBS (dort habe ich gearbeitet). Zu der Gesellschaft gehören ca. 300 Radiostationen. Daneben gibt es noch zwei andere Konzerne, die ebenfalls je einige hundert Radiosender besitzen. Die Folgen: Egal, in welcher Stadt Du Dich in den USA befindest, Du hörst immer dieselben Stimmen. Da werden Shows aus New York oder Washington im ganzen Land ausgestrahlt. Wenn Du also hier in Chicago bist, hörst Du dieselbe Sendung wie in Detroit. Bist Du in Detroit, hörst Du die Show aus Dallas. Das war vor zehn Jahren noch ganz anders: Damals hatte noch jede Stadt ihre eigenen Radioshows und ihre eigene Identität. Heute haben wir in ganz Amerika einen Einheitsbrei. Es ist im Prinzip wie hier im „Starbucks Coffee“: Starbucks wendet das gleiche System an, nur eben mit Coffee-Shops. Da läuft etwas ziemlich schief in Amerika.



Vom Radiomoderator zum Buchautor: Rick Kaempfer




Schmitt: Also eine Art „Franchise-System“ für Radiosender. Vielleicht gibt es ja ein solches System in zehn Jahren auch in Deutschland?!

Kaempfer: Nun, ich glaube, in Deutschland sieht es anders aus. Bei euch gibt es eine strenge Medienaufsicht. In Deutschland ist alles besser geregelt als in den USA. Bei uns wird alles dem freien Markt überlassen. In Amerika ist man für alles offen. Wer das meiste Geld hat, kann kaufen, was er will, egal was es ist. Hoffentlich passiert so etwas nicht in Deutschland!

Schmitt: Willst Du vielleicht nicht doch in ein paar Jahren wieder ins Radiogeschäft zurückkehren oder bleibt es beim Rückzug?

Kaempfer: Also, wenn die großen Gesellschaften die Radio- und Fernsehstationen ausgepresst und genug Geld damit verdient haben, dann werden sie die Sender verkaufen. Es könnte auf Dauer langweilig werden und sie wechseln in ein anderes Geschäftsfeld. Warum nicht vom Mediengeschäft in die Landwirtschaft wechseln? Die interessieren sich nicht für die Branche, sondern nur fürs Geld. Wenn Sie in einem Bereich nicht genug Geld machen können, wechseln sie in einen anderen – erst dann komme ich ins Radiogeschäft zurück!

Schmitt: Wie kann man denn Dein aktuelles Werk „Severance“ bei uns in Deutschland bestellen?

Kaempfer: Ganz einfach übers Internet unter www.encpress.com

Schmitt: Vielen Dank für das Gespräch!

Suburban Man: A Turkey Story

By Rick Kaempfer



When the last time you did a seventh grade homework assignment?

My sister is teaching 7th grade language arts, and her class had an assignment that was giving them trouble. She wanted to show them what could have been done with it, so she asked me if I knew a writer that would be willing to tackle the project. (She's very subtle.)

The class was given the following writing prompt...

You are a turkey farmer. One day while you are feeding the troops, one of the birds begins to say the alphabet. A thought pops through your mind, “Instead of selling these turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner, I could . . .

I wrote the following story...


Roscoe the Turkey

Rudy came out to the pen to feed all the turkeys like he did every morning, but this weekend before Thanksgiving, he was also coming out to say a final farewell to his favorite turkey Roscoe.

"Roscoe," Rudy sighed, "I brought you breakfast."

Rudy tossed the food into the pen as he always did, but this morning instead of responding with his usual clucking noise, Roscoe said the letter "A." He pecked at another bit of food, and then said the letter "B". He took another bite, and said another letter until he had eaten twenty six times, and recited twenty six letters of the alphabet.

Rudy ran back to the farm to tell his father. "Dad," he yelled, huffing and puffing with excitement and fatigue after the long run, "Dad, we can't sell these turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner!"

His father looked up from the tractor. "Why not boy?"

"Roscoe can say the alphabet," Rudy said. He held his hands at his hips as he regained his breath.

"Beg your pardon?"

"Roscoe, the turkey," Rudy explained. "He can say the alphabet. He just said the entire thing, A-Z."

"Great," his father replied. It was obvious he didn't believe him. "He'll make someone a fine Alphabet turkey soup."

"I'm serious, Dad,'" he said. "We can make more money if we keep him. Think of what someone will pay to watch a talking turkey. We can take him to the State Fair and make a fortune."

That got his father's attention, and a few minutes later Rudy and his father were both leaning against the turkey pen fence, watching Roscoe say the letters of the alphabet. Rudy was mesmerized, but his father still wasn't impressed.

"I don't know, boy," his father said doubtfully. "It's only the alphabet."

Rudy tried another tactic. "Dad, what if I told you that Roscoe also knows about insects, bodies of water, parts of your face, the host of the Tonight Show, and the most popular drink in England. Would you promise to spare him if I could prove he knows those things?"

His father smiled. "Rudy, if you prove that, we're going to the State Fair."

Rudy tossed another bit of food into the pen. Roscoe said "A". Then Rudy asked him, "Roscoe, what do you call that flying, stinging, black and yellow insect?"

"Bee," Roscoe said.

Next Roscoe identified the body of water in the Mediterranean (Sea), and after another few specks of food identified the part of the face that provides sight (Eye), followed immediately by the first name of Tonight Show Host Leno (Jay), and after another few pecks, he identified the favorite drink in England (Tea).

Rudy's father was impressed. The people who each paid five dollars at the State Fair to see Roscoe answer those same questions were just as impressed.

That Thanksgiving for the first time ever, Rudy's family ate ham.



Her class loved the story, except for Tommy's best friend. He gave it a 2 out of 10, and said that I really needed to work on my writing technique.

That child has been banned from my home.




If you're a fan of "Suburban Man", check out the blog of "NWI Parent," a publication of the Northwest Indiana Times. I'm now a regular columnist/blogger for them, writing a weekly column called "Father Knows Nothing"

Celebrity Snippets: Julie Andrews

Julie Andrews has won an Oscar for best actress for her performance as "Mary Poppins." The following year she was also nominated for best actress for her role as Maria in "The Sound of Music."




My father grew up in Austria, so the movie "The Sound of Music" was very special to him. He was about the same age as the Von Trapp children during the war, and it struck a chord. We went as a family to see it in the movie theater, and then we watched it together every time it was on television. It was not optional viewing.

In the summer of 1974, he even sent my sister and I to spend the summer with his old school chum in a small town outside of Salzburg…the very same hills that were alive with the Sound of Music. After my father died in the late 80s, the movie took on added significance to me. It reminded me of Dad.

Somewhere along the line during my years with the John Landecker show, I made the mistake of telling John about this. He thought it was hilarious that a 30-something year old straight man loved "The Sound of Music." He filed that little bit of information away, just waiting for an opportunity to use it.

That opportunity came soon enough.

When Julie Andrews came to Chicago in the mid-90s to star in the Broadway-bound "Victor-Victoria," I spent weeks setting up a special one-on-one interview for John. When I finally did secure a taped interview at the theater, he got a little twinkle in his eye.

I knew I was in trouble, but I figured it would be worth it. Our audience was Julie's audience, and vice versa. It was a no-brainer for the show.

The interview was actually quite entertaining. Her husband Blake Edwards, the director of the film Victor/Victoria, was sitting by her side throughout the interview and he was on a comedic roll—totally dominating the discussion. I was enjoying it tremendously as a fly on the wall.

I can still picture it vividly.

I was sitting just a few feet away from Julie Andrews, and I have to say, she looked fantastic. I was so impressed by her in so many ways. She seemed unbelievably nice, plus she was really showing me something by laughing at the ribald humor of her husband. In fact, I was enjoying it so much, I had completely forgotten about the butterflies in my stomach.

They came back quickly, however, when the interview was wrapping up. John pulled a CD copy of the Sound of Music soundtrack out of his jacket, and my face immediately turned bright red. I knew what was coming next.

"That's my producer, Rick," he said, pointing to me, "And he's been in love with you since 'The Sound of Music' came out. Would you mind autographing this CD for him?"

She looked at me and smiled, genuinely flattered. I was so embarrassed I wanted to crawl under my chair.

"Do you run into a lot of 30-something year old straight guys who loved the Sound of Music?" he teased.

"Don't let him get to you, Rick," she said, handing me the CD. "He just doesn't get it."

I still have that CD. On the way back to the studio, I didn't even realize I was clutching it tightly to my chest. John laughed out loud.

"You really were in love with Julie Andrews, weren't you?" he asked.

"Actually, no," I foolishly corrected him. "I was in love with Liesl."

Boy, would I come to regret that little confession. In the next "Celebrity Snippets," I'll tell you why.

Half Empty: Technological Breakthroughs in Breaking Up

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.



By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



A story in the news a few weeks ago caught our attention. A woman decided to get back at her ex-boyfriend by putting a picture of his wife and her phone number on "adult" websites. Sure, she was arrested for harassment, but you have to give her credit for her creativity.

It got us to thinking about the ways breaking up has changed over the past few years thanks to technology. The whole dynamic is different now. You can judge for yourself if the new dynamic is better, worse, or about the same.

Then: Put all of her pictures in a pile, and set them on fire; watching her face melt, blacken, turn into ash, and evaporate into dust.
Now: Click, highlight, and delete her photos from your hard-drive.

Then: Driving past his house and throwing microwaved tomatoes at it.
Now: Sending a digital photo to his cell-phone—of you giving him the finger.

Then: Having to make one last visit to her apartment to get all your records back.
Now: Sending an e-mail asking her to e-mail your music back to you.


Then: Risking it all by listening to the radio after the break up, knowing that at any moment the DJ could inadvertently play “your” song.
Now: I-Pod, baby. Either delete “your” song entirely, or don’t use the shuffle feature for a few months—just in case.

Then: Driving by to see if her lights are on.
Now: Using a scanner to listen in on the baby monitor.

Then: Sending him a pizza at 3 in the morning.
Now: Sending him a computer virus at any time.

Then: Re-reading her love letters from a happier time, glossing over the bad times and only remembering the good times.
Now: Looking at your cell-phone bill and tracking the memory of each call…she loved me, she started to get irritated with me, she told me I was a jerk, she broke up with me, she told me that if I ever called her again she would get a restraining order.

Then: Reliving the grief a million times each time an unsuspecting friend asks how he is doing.
Now: Emergency IM session with a few hundred friends—all at once.

Then: You can’t even recognize her face on those deteriorating old “Private Polaroid’s.”
Now: “Ex-Girlfriend” websites can give her the kind of world-wide audience she never expected.

Then: Throwing all of his belongings onto the front lawn.
Now: Selling all of his belongings on E-bay.

Then: Using the remote code to check her answering machine messages while she’s at work, only to hear her new boyfriend’s voice on the machine.
Now: Checking her cell-phone voicemail and deleting messages from her new boyfriend before she can hear them.

See what we mean? The whole world of break ups has drastically changed. Also, it occurs to us some of the old classics have been destroyed by technology forever. For instance, in the old days you could call a million times waiting for that one chance to get her on the line. Now, with caller I.D, automatic callback, and privacy manager, you would be exposed as the psycho boy you really are.

Also, you can’t use her phone number when you contribute to a charity anymore. What’s the use of getting her number on every single telemarketer’s phone list when she’s on the national no-call list?

Oh well, time marches on.

Suburban Man: It was sixteen years ago this week...

We were married on November 16, 1991 at St. Michael's church in Wheaton. The reception was at the Schwaben Center in Buffalo Grove. The honeymoon was in St. Kiits.

Tommy arrived in 1995. Johnny in 1998. Sean in 2002.

And despite the sixteen years of living with me, the birth of three boys, the diapers, the crying, and the constant stress of raising a family, the bride looks exactly the same...As stunning today as she was in her bridal gown on November 16, 1991.

Happy anniversary, Bridget.







If you're a fan of "Suburban Man", check out the blog of "NWI Parent," a publication of the Northwest Indiana Times. I'm now a regular columnist/blogger for them, writing a weekly column called "Father Knows Nothing"

Half Empty: Bad Luck

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.




By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





Dave has twin 2-year old daughters and a five year old daughter. His wife travels quite a bit for work, so he actually watches them most of the time. During the rare moments when he gets to run errands on days his wife is at home, he has run into an incredible streak of bad luck. The simplest errands turn into lengthy debacles.

1. Picking up the Pizza: One hour
Yes, it's silly to pay for delivery when you live that close to the pizza place. No, he didn't get flipped off by old ladies because he was driving sooooooo slow. He just had bad luck.

2. Grocery Shopping: Two hours
Yes, the grocery store is only a few miles away. No, he didn't listen to the traffic report to see what was the most horrible route, take that route, and then read the labels of every can of beans in the store after he got there. He just had bad luck.

3. Doctor's Appointment: Three hours
Yes, the doctor's office was crowded, and you just never know how long it will take sometimes. No, he didn't sit in the waiting room for hours after his appointment ended reading any pamphlet he could get his hands on, including one about yeast infections and another about spider veins. He just had bad luck.

4. Driver's License Renewal: Four hours
Yes, the DMV is a nightmare, and this is by no means a record. No, he didn't get it renewed at lunchtime at the busiest location two years before it needed to be renewed. He just had bad luck.

5. Trip to Post Office: Five hours
Yes, the week before Christmas is a crazy time at the Post Office. No, he didn't go stand in the line with everyone sending packages to buy one stamp. He just had bad luck.

If you didn't know Dave better, you'd think he was intentionally picking errands that take a long time, and then making them take even longer just so he could get out of the house.

Not Dave.

On the other hand, if you get a flat tire on a day he happens to be out running one of these errands, you can count on that good Samaritan stopping his car to help you change that tire.

That's just the kind of guy he is.

Suburban Man: Halloween isn't for Everyone

By Rick Kaempfer




Halloween was always one of my favorite holidays when I was kid. Getting dressed up in a costume, ringing doorbells, getting free candy…what’s not to love?

When my oldest son Tommy got to the trick-or-treating age, I was looking forward to reliving the excitement with him. I figured he was going to love it as much as I did.

He didn’t.

In fact, he couldn’t stand any of it. He particularly hated dressing up in a costume. When he was five, he grudgingly agreed to wear the Woody costume because he loved Toy Story, but only if we promised he could take off the cowboy hat the second after I took the obligatory Halloween picture. We came to the same agreement when he was six, and seven, and eight.

By third grade, when he didn’t fit into the Woody costume anymore, he was ready to quit the Halloween tradition once and for all.

I figured his lack of enthusiasm had to be my fault somehow. My enthusiasm for Halloween must not have been translating properly. Maybe if I tried a little harder to get into that little braniac head of his, tried to think of the kind of costume he would like, maybe that would win him over.

So I told him we would brainstorm ideas.

“Tommy, you don’t have to pick one of these costumes in the store, or try to be like one of the other kids, you know. You can be anything you want to be for Halloween.”

Tommy wasn’t the greatest at brainstorming. “I want to be Tommy,” he said.

“You know what Albert Einstein used to say?”

That piqued his interest. Einstein is his hero.

“He said God’s greatest gift to mankind is imagination, because with imagination, there are no limits to what you can achieve.”

He thought about that for a moment. “Einstein said that?”

“Yes, he did. Now use that imagination of yours, Tommy, and I promise you that we will create a costume for whatever you come up with—no limits. Anything at all.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, anything.”

“OK,” he said, “I want to be an accountant.”

He was the only accountant in the 3rd grade that year. He dressed up in a suit and tie, and carried a calculator. The next year he dressed up as an artist. He wore a smock and a beret (until the second after I took the picture). In 5th grade he was a scientist. He wore a white lab coat.

Now he’s in middle school and the kids don’t have to dress up anymore. When he found that out, he broke into the biggest grin I’d seen on his face in years.

This year he’s finally wearing the costume he wants to wear for the first time.

He’s going as Tommy.


This article first appeared on the blog of "NWI Parent," a publication of the Northwest Indiana Times. I'm now a regular columnist/blogger for them, writing a weekly column called "Father Knows Nothing"