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The balding reader will probably most enjoy the second stage of grieving: Anger and Rage. In that section Stern provides healthy, fun and cathartic exercises for the angry balding man, while still helping him stay out of jail.
For instance, who or what is it OK to hate? The following is an excerpt from Chapter 8...
Hating the Generic
During Stage Two Anger and Rage, you might want to avoid hating specific people entirely. There are plenty of generic classifications of Fullheads that are easy to hate instead.
For instance; Anchormen. As a group, it’s hard to top anchormen. Television news directors obviously scour the country looking for genetic freaks that still have fabulous heads of hair well into distinguished old age. The list is endless. On a national level, over the years we’ve been treated to Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams, Peter Jennings, Scott Pelley, Brit Hume, Wolf Blitzer, Sean Hannity, Chris Matthews, Geraldo Rivera, etc. Local television news anchors are also hair freaks. Just hate them all, and you can’t go wrong.
Movie casting directors are another safe target. Why? Because the evil villains in movies are disproportionately bald. The James Bond series was particularly inflammatory in its portrayal of bald men. No less than three of its evil villains were bald. “Austin Powers” went so far as to call its bald villain, “Dr. Evil.” This is not a new trend. Since the beginning of the movie era, the bald character was more likely to be the murderer, the psychopath, and/or the bad guy. Was it really necessary to cast a balding man as Mr. Potter in "It's a Wonderful Life"? Surely Bela Lugosi was available.
The Broadway musical “Hair” is another great thing to hate, for obvious reasons, but instead of hating the specific people that perform in it, or the jerk who wrote it, if you hate it generically, you can’t get into trouble. It still plays all over the country, so there will be lots of opportunities to have it boil your blood. Just leave Treat Williams (one of the original stars) alone. He has suffered enough in his career. If you reserved a weekend to watch all of Treat’s award winning acting performances, you would still have time left over to clean the garage, run a marathon, cure cancer, write a novel, translate War & Peace into Gaelic, do a 34,000 piece jigsaw puzzle and balance the United States budget.
It’s also OK to hate children. Instead of lashing out at specific kids like the one in the elevator that says to her mommy “What happened to that man’s hair?”, if you hate all children equally you won’t feel the need to lash out specifically. Your own children may have a few rough years, but remember that Anger and rage won’t last forever, and think how much emotionally tougher they’ll be if they have to work a little harder to receive Daddy’s love.
High school reunions are another easy target of generic hate. There are really only two things that former classmates discuss at those horrible events; the girls that got fat, and the guys that went bald. Just so you know, the girls that got fat usually don’t attend. That leaves one target, and you look at him every day in the mirror. For the love of God, don’t ever attend one (unless your school mascot was the “Skin Heads” or "The Fighting Emus"--then school spirit may compel you), but feel free to generically hate them anyway.
And by all means, hate the hair care industry. These faceless generic people think nothing of charging $20 for a thirty-second haircut. They intentionally sell some of the ridiculous hair care remedies we mentioned in Stage One. But worst of all, they treat us as if they haven’t even noticed we aren’t Fullheads. Ordering workers to make small talk about mundane matters while pretending to cut non-existent hair is contemptible, and certainly worthy of your generic Stage Two hate.
The Balding Handbook is available for pre-order now!
