Thursday, February 11, 2016

Free Excerpt from The Balding Handbook (Burt Reynolds)

Today is Burt Reynold's birthday, and the author of "The Balding Handbook: 5 Stages of Grieving for Your Hair Loss" would like to offer this free excerpt from his book, as one final plea to Burt. Poor Burt. Stuck in Stage One Denial now for more than 40 years.

TAKEN FROM STAGE ONE DENIAL: "Hell Toupee" (Pages 17-18)

There are two kinds of people in the world that can’t spot a hairpiece: blind people and dead people. You have a beaver on your head. People don’t miss that sort of thing.

Don’t be taken in by those tempting commercials of that guy swimming with his hairpiece. “Look! That guy can go swimming and it looks completely natural!” If you were on-set watching them film the commercial instead of watching it via your two dimensional television, you’d say something completely different. You’d say: “Hey buddy, you have a wet beaver on your head! Better drop that hot chick pretending like she doesn’t notice and run for your life!”

Don’t feel bad. Every single balding man in history has given it some thought. Every single one. Balding folks from all walks of life.

But you know in your heart that they don’t work, don’t you? Think of all the different celebrities you’ve seen wearing toupees in your lifetime. Each and every one of those guys is a gazillionaire and can afford the very best quality hairpiece, and yet, you can still spot their fake hair piles from a mile away.

Are you fooled by Burt Reynolds? He was balding in 1970, and now has a furry rodent living on his head. Although in fairness to Burt, at least he’s chosen to wear a gray one; 70-year-old Marv Albert’s fluffy hedgehog piece is Elvis-black. Looks totally realistic, Marv.

What about Elton John? He was almost completely bald by 1976, and now he has bangs. Greg Gumbel was a balding sportscaster working in Chicago in the 1980s, but has apparently been hit by a hair truck. You can actually see the tape on Sam Donaldson’s head. And William Shatner…dear Lord…your five year mission is, to boldly go where only one other starship captain (Jean Luc Picard) has gone before.

Hairpieces don’t work for those guys, and they won’t work for you. It’s OK to consider it, but the second you do, please understand that you are only doing so because you’re deep in the depths of Stage One Denial. But there is good news here, too. The hairpiece is often the end of the road, the last gasp, the final sign that you’re coming close to overcoming your Denial. Seeing how bad it looks is often the final nail in the Denial coffin.